O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, July 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Anne McCaffrey to comment on August Editors' Choice nominees
E-mail alerts now available
Synopsis Focus Group
The August Member Challenge
OWW Horror workshop
Reminders
- Editors' Choices for June submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prize
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Poll question: weekly reporting
Tips from fellow workshoppers
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured title for July/August:
RAVENHEART by David Gemmell
Eight hundred years have passed since King Connavar of the Rigante and
his bastard son, Bane, defeated the invading army of Stone. In that
time, Connavar hasbecome a legend, and the Rigante have lost the
freedom so many gave their lives to preserve. A conquered people, they
live and die under the iron rule of the Varlish, their culture all but
destroyed. Only one woman remains who follows the ancient paths once
trod by the Rigante. She is the Wyrd of Wishing Tree Wood--and she
alone knows the nature of the evil soon to be unleashed on a doomed
and unsuspecting world.
In a perilous land, facing an uncertain future, the Wyrd finds her
initial hopes pinned on two men: Jaim Grymauch, the giant Rigante
fighter, a man haunted by his failure to save his best friend from
betrayal; and Kaelin Ring, a youth whose deadly talents will earn him
the rancor of all Varlish. One will become the Ravenheart, an outlaw
leader whose daring exploits will inspire the Rigante. The other will
forge a legend--and light the fires of revolution.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345432266&view=excerpt
and read an author Q & A at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345432266&view=qa
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
ANNE MCCAFFREY TO COMMENT ON AUGUST EDITORS' CHOICE NOMINEES
The next Del Rey author to participate in the Editors' Choice process
(after Terry Brooks a few months ago) will be bestselling and beloved
author Anne McCaffrey. Ms. McCaffrey will be contributing her own
mini-reviews of the nine Editors' Choices and Runner Ups for the month
of August. Her comments will be published in the October newsletter
(after the ECs and ECRUs are announced in August), as well as added to
the individual submissions.
E-MAIL ALERTS NOW AVAILABLE
Our new Telltales system of e-mail alerts is now in place. You can
now sign up to be notified whenever the members of your choice submit
or review, or whenever a review is given to your submissions. You can
choose to be alerted for new and updated reviews and submissions, or
new ones only. You can even temporarily suspend your telltales and
reactivate them.
--Don't miss a review--find out about it instantly!
--Keep up with your favorite authors--don't miss a chapter!
--Keep up with reviewers from whom you learn a lot.
--Follow the exploits of the members of your critiquing group.
--Sign up for submission telltales on members to whom you owe reviews.
Visit your Telltales page--just click to it from the bottom of the
Your Info or Welcome pages. And watch for the telltale bird, which
marks where you can sign up for telltales on reviewer histories,
member-directory listings, and submissions.
SYNOPSIS FOCUS GROUP
Interested in learning how to write a better synopsis of your novel?
Many publishers request the first three chapters and a synopsis when
interested in a novel, and many writers have a hard time creating a
synopsis that's detailed enough to show off their book while
streamlined enough to be useful to the publisher. OWW is organizing a
synopsis focus group that will begin early in August and last about a
month: we'll read some how-to articles on synopses, then trade and
critique our own synopses on a special mailing list, and finally try
to come up with a FAQ or guide based on what we've learned together.
If you're interested in participating, let us know at
support@onlinewritingworkshop.com by the beginning of August.
(Everyone on the Writing list who's expressed interest is already on
our list--no need to write us.)
THE AUGUST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The July challenge is humor; the August challenge is elves.
For rules and how-to information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Elf Challenge" in
your title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at
least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can).
Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
OTHER UPDATES TO THE WORKSHOP
In the Submission Selector, you can now choose to list submissions
from most to fewest reviews as well as by fewest to most reviews. Just
choose "by reviews (most first)" in the pulldown menu and click the
"List" button.
In the submission listings, the authors' names are now linked to their
entries in the member directory.
TRY OWW'S HORROR WORKSHOP
Our horror workshop was launched on June 1 and is gaining members
steadily. If you write or read horror, now's your chance to
participate in a workshop where you can be a big fish in a small pond!
We've got some great submissions and some really dedicated reviewers
at work. Plus editor/Odyssey workshop director Jeanne Cavelos (of the
Abyss horror line) will be contributing a detailed review monthly.
(This workshop is not sponsored, so far, and is supported by
membership fees.) If you know any horror writers who don't know about
our workshops, please tell them about this one! Check it out at
http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com
REMINDERS
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: DOG AND THE WHEEL 3
by Ilona Gordon
A well-written piece with a strong opening, vivid characters, and
quite a few memorable passages throughout. Generally, we wanted to
read more, wanted to know more about the characters and the world they
were in.
Be careful about what form of vernacular you are using. You can pull
the reader out of the story very quickly, especially since otherwise
you maintain the medieval feel of this world so well. The following
passage is especially jarring: "By now his mind is warped and he sees
the world in black and white. He is probably a psychotic murderer,
dad. . ." Even if we accept the use of "dad," we just don't buy that
these people are familiar with the term "psychotic murderer "at this
stage in their civilization.
The opening with the luminous moth/wall and the owl hunting them is
vivid and beautiful, although it begins to get a bit heavy on the
adjectives after a while. There is some lovely imagery: "An old woman
barred the heavy wooden door to the bedroom. Deep lines creased her
tan face, and from that face startling blue eyes looked at Headhunter
like violets from a freshly plowed field." (That said, one has to
wonder whether plowing a field causes violets to spring into being?)
"Puss" should be "pus" ("You smell worse than a puss bucket.")
"Waived" should be "waved" ("He waved them on and watched them go..")
A nice passage wherein Dermont details the benefits that will accrue
to Headhunter after his father's death. Before that, the gratuitous
insults seemed a tad bit overdone. Some of us had just begun to get
impatient with the name-calling when it evolved into a different kind
of conversation.
One member of our editorial board would like to draw your attention to
the following: "'You did what?' Steven's voice was an icy hiss." He
says: "Ahem. My first editor at Del Rey brought to my attention many
years ago the fact that an utterance needs to have some S sounds in it
in order to be properly characterized as a hiss. I have carried this
lesson with me ever since."
The description of the smokeless torches gets a bit repetitious.
A strong effort. Most of us find the piece promising and would like to
see more of Headhunter and his world, but correct the anachronistic
language use.
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: SNOWDANCER Prologue/Ch. 1
by T.K. Thorne
A solid, well-written entry. Most of us would definitely have been
intrigued and interested enough to read on, if there had been more to
read. (One of us would have preferred more action, though.) There's
some very fine description through the alien's point of view, and
intriguing details reinforce Mayre's alienness throughout the
prologue. Chapter One shifts the POV and the scene, but is equally
interesting. Motz is a satisfying combination of young, tough, and
scared, and her hacked instrument hints intriguingly at some plot
complication to come in the future.
One weak spot is the invented words. One editor described them as
"gratuitously difficult to pronounce." For instance, how does one
pronounce "Mayre"? It could sound like "Mary," or it could be a pun
on "mare" or "mer" (i.e. "sea"). That would make sense for a being
that lives in the sea, except that presumably the aliens don't speak
Latinate languages, so their words for "sea" would be different ones,
and in any case, they couldn't possibly all be named after sea things.
In other words, it's an awkward word choice that pulls the reader out
of the story. Ditto "cwth." The reader must stop every time and try
to decide how to pronounce it. We suggest either a different name or
at least a pronunciation guide. Then there's "Motz," which from the
way it's spelt should rhyme with "rots." But then the character says
that it is short for Mozart; perhaps it should be spelled Moatz to
begin with.
Pay close attention to the dialogue. It's a good choice to make it
seem as close to real conversation as possible (i.e., repetitious with
lots of incomplete sentences), but it is possible to overdo it.
Finally, the ending of the chapter seems to draw more from television
("Will Motz survive? Tune in next week!") than from literary craft.
It doesn't really raise the tension or create enough mystery to compel
us to read on. We already know what the jump will feel like, and we
already know that it's quite survivable. Consider extending the
chapter a little more until you come to a place of genuine rising
tension or mystery.
A strong piece of writing with well-imagined sensory detail, a
prologue that draws the reader in, and an initial chapter that
introduces new characters and setting and keeps the reader interested.
Editors' Choice, short story: KNIGHTS TEMPORAL by Nigel Atkinson
This story hooked us from the very beginning. (Actually, we were
hooked from the author's notes, explaining that this was "an
ecclesiastically-based dystopian techno-thriller cum time-travelling
locked room murder mystery. Well, maybe. That's the plan anyway.") We
aren't quite sure if there's a simpler way to classify this story, or
even if it is a story--more than one editor feels that it's the
beginning of something much, much bigger--but we were sure that it was
sharply written, bursting with interesting sfnal and future-world
details, promisingly satirical, and that we would like to read more.
We loved the professional writing; the notion of civil
servant/priests; the "Bester Effect"; the idea that the Catholic and
Mormon Churches (what about the Christian Scientologists? The
Episcopalians? Orthodox Jews? You may want to touch on some of these
other religions, just to ground the story) have in effect bought the
world, making conspiracy theorists around the world momentarily
blissful. It's a ridiculous premise, but we'll buy it as long as you
give us headlines like "BOSS BISH PREGGERS AGAIN!" The opening quote
from St. Augustine is also lovely and pertinent--a narrative that
manages to reference, in an organic way, St. Augustine, Leslie
Charteris, and Alfred Bester, is doing not just one but many things
right.
At the moment, our main quibble concerns Juliet Frame. It's okay if
she's enigmatic: on the other hand, it seems odd that David Crean
doesn't access any sort of dossier on her personal history. We should
see him researching her personal life, her professional contacts; at
the moment, all we know is that she wrote a dissertation on the Bester
Effect. We should know more about her--more should come out during her
first interrogation. How old is she? Does she have a family? A
boyfriend? Do they question her colleagues? The discussion about her
"soul" is a bit confusing--it seems to mean something quite serious to
David, Bishop General Fletcher, Ragnor, and to Juliet herself. Don't
hold back on essential plot information too long. Otherwise you run
the risk of irritating rather than tantalizing your readers. A minor
comment: David thinks that Juliet Frame "was small even for a woman."
This seems a little odd. How small is she? Women, like men, come in
all different sizes, and unless she's child-sized, David probably just
notes that she's small.
At the very end, when Juliet mentions her body/double, we wondered
about the body as well. Wouldn't David and Ragnor have gone to take a
look at it? In the story as it currently stands, it isn't clear why
the Church has drafted David to investigate the murder/mystery. It
doesn't seem to be for either his faith or his scientific background.
So why is he involved, and what exactly is he supposed to be looking
for? So far, he doesn't seem to have looked at much. As we mentioned,
this is probably pushing more towards novella/novelette length.
Two final minor comments: we loved the titles of the section headings.
Titles like "Knitting with Water" were evocative, and seemed to refer
to more than one thing--both David's attempt to piece together a
seemingly unsolvable mystery, and the old woman in the corner shop,
knitting while David bought his newspaper. This kind of layering and
doubling repays close reading, and holds the narrative together even
when plot elements seem occasionally flimsy. And lastly, when writing
dialogue, always use commas to separate commands or questions like ""I
don't think you realise what kind of trouble you are in[,] Dr. Frame"
and "Don't bandy words with me[,] Mr. Crean."
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: AS ABOVE, SO BELOW,
Chapter 2, by The Tempest
We enjoyed and were intrigued by this entry, though it could have been
more substantial. Nicely imagined description and dialogue. One editor
said, "No nits worth picking. I'd very much like to read more of
this."
Since the author asked, the second title ("As Above, So Below") is the
stronger. FARFALLE/CHRYSALIS is too precious and vague.
Very nice opening detailing the twins' powers. It draws the reader in
at once. However, though the interaction between Koryn and Nera seems
to work, it's difficult to tell in so short a scene, and difficult to
really believe the connection between the two of them.
Some minor details: the last exchange needs more attribution. It gets
confusing, trying to figure out who is talking to whom. And the
glottal stop signified by the apostrophe in the middle of " Dol'mat"
is unpronounceable. Unless it isn't in fact a glottal stop, and is
meant to signify that there have been letters removed from the middle
of the word (the way that "you've" signifies "you have").
All in all, a too-brief piece that shows a lot of promise. It's been
ranked lower largely because its partial state makes it difficult to
judge if the chapter accomplishes its aim.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: ISABELLE THE TYPICAL, Ch.
1, by Douglas Keaton
We have lots of conflicting opinions on this excerpt, which is common
with writing that is experimental. One of us found it a bit
confusing, but stillthe most intriguing of the three nominees. Another
simply said "wispy...dreamy...sleepy...zzzzzzz." All of us found that
overwriting and overly belaboured language detracted from the
character and the story. But most of us were intrigued enough by
Isabelle and the flow of the story to want to read on for a bit.
Nice irony to the title; Isabelle is obviously destined to be anything
but typical. That said, consider substituting the word "ordinary" for
"typical," which has a more contemporary ring to it. "Ordinary"
seems the older word, more in keeping with the universe of this story.
Here's an example of a lyrical passage which has marred by
overwriting: "She tugged at the line. The fish tugged back. She
laughed and her father with her. Just beneath the surface, like a
watercolor smeared, the trout shook his head as if in negation but
really in hunger." The head-shaking complicates an otherwise lovely
image. And sometimes those attempts at creating evocative images
often conjure up images that are at best confusing: "The thumb only
protruded from palm to completion in clean fingernail." This could be
said more clearly. The writing is at its best when it's pared down,
as in the following: "Did you hear of Dame Isabelle's five wins at
the tournament yesterday? Yes, I certainly did. It wasn't quite fair,
though. Three of them were crushed by her boot. Nancy to Wendy, Wendy
to Nancy at that party last night."
The nature of the memory that opens the chapter is confusing. We are
told that: "Here, she knew, was a moment whose flavor would find her
at odd moments for all of her life. Find her as she crossed a room and
caught a summer draft." Yet Isabelle is four at this point. Does she
really have such profound understanding at that age, or is this the
adult Isabelle's commentary on her younger self? This needs to made
clear in several places. Also, there's some confusion throughout as
to who's saying what.
"Here was a moment between the ones that slipped away, to form her
character not at all, or else insidiously." Again, a sentence that
sounds artful and profound but means...what?
At one point Isabelle cites Descartes to Sir Matthew. Does that mean
this story is set in the real world, sometime after the writings of
Rene Descartes? And it's unclear what the author is trying to do with
the past/present mix. Some clues would help reduce the frustration.
But despite pretty phrasing that's getting in the way of the
storytelling, Isabelle is a likable and interesting character and the
story itself fairly involving (though not dissolving or resolving).
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: SANCTUARY CH. 2
by Elizabeth Donald
An intriguing chapter, competently written, with potentially
interesting characters. The author asked if the entry felt rushed;
we'd characterize it as not containing enough development of character
or situation. We got a strong sense of time and place. Be aware
though, that one editor found the whole setup implausible and another
said that the setting was less evocative and original than it could
have been.
The language is fairly good, although the dialogue is occasionally
stilted. The character of Aurora is compelling, though a bit more
insight into her determination to be a fighter might be useful. We
begin to get a good feeling for the characters introduced so far, but
there needs to be even more character development. At the moment,
it's difficult to understand the characters' motivations or even to
tell them apart.
Perhaps the most distracting thing about this excerpt is the POV,
which wavers all over the place. Whose story is this? Decide that,
and then tell the story mostly from that person's POV, with occasional
switches when your POV character is not in the scene.
The opening is serviceable, but avoid telling us how things are said
when we could just as easily figure it out for ourselves:
"Yes, Father," she said dutifully, and got off her bed.
John led her out of the quarters they shared and through the halls.
"Where are we going?" she asked quietly.
"You'll see," he said enigmatically.
It seems like a stretch that John would forbid all exercise on the
grounds that it could promote militarism. What about simple health?
And when Aurora asks how one fights an alien, Adams replies that no
one knows how to fight them. Aurora responds: "I know what they look
like. I saw one." Why does Adams take this so completely in stride?
Isn't it illegal for the children to leave the sanctuary?
Absorbing and well written, but the characters, especially the
children, are a little flat, and the story lacks sufficient physical
context.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: LENORE CHAPT 7 by
Isabel Scott
A strong submission and well enough written, if sloppily typed.
(Please always re-read your text and do a spell and grammar check
before submitting!) Some of us really enjoyed this excerpt. The word
choice and the cadence of the language create a rough (extremely
vermin-infested) world that draws readers in and keeps them guessing.
The characters are compelling and multilayered. But the title is
weak; we suggest changing it.
This seems to be fantasy, except for the word "spaceport" thrown in
near the end. Perhaps it's more clear from the earlier chapters that
this is a world with differing levels of technology, but it's
something that your characters should also seem aware of.
The emotional rollercoaster Lenore rides seems overly fast in this one
chapter, flying from hate to love as she does. And one editor fournd
Lenore's caring for Hugh despite all the rough treatment and
humiliation is a little cliched, unless the first six chapters set it
up better than is implied here. To quote: "Personally, I get a little
tired of strong-warrior-woman-falling-for-her-captor stories. She
should kick his butt and get out of there."
Examples of nice phrasing: "She taunted him with laughter. He thrust
and that quickly his knife was her knife." The scene where Lenore
kills Hedrin is exciting and gruesomely watchable, though it does
contain some hyperbole that should be reconsidered: "His manhood
shriveled to the size of a worm." (Doubtful, unless he was
congenitally deformed or worms are stouter on that world.) And: "She.
. .slit his bag. His gonads spilled out onto the ground." (A bit of
severing or yanking might be necessary to actually get the gonads out
of his slit bag and down onto the ground.) After she wounds him,
Lenore kicks Hedrin with her bare toes with sufficient force to slide
his body along the ground and we are told that he died "half from
blood loss, half from his busted innards." (Long powerful toes or not,
it would really hurt to kick someone with that kind of force!)
Great dialogue, though occasionally stilted. Lenore and Betina
discussing Hugh's health while he joins in, befuddled by the opium, is
one scene that is well crafted and stands out in memory. The lancing
of the abscess is convincingly nauseating--well done!
A fascinating chapter with strong characters and good action, which
suffers largely from some sloppy writing.
Runner Up, short story: SHE WHO SOWS, REAPS by Jennifer de Guzman
We found the setting of this story intriguing, and very much liked the
intermingling of bits and pieces of folklore with details of realistic
life. The writing is strong, and it's wonderful to see a nuanced story
about a monster who may not exactly be a monster--the author never
settles for the easy conclusions. Having said that, we would like to
see the author work on character, something that "horror" stories
sometimes skimp on, when it's really the most essential piece: we need
to care about the characters, in order to care what happens to them.
Character builds suspense.
While Mateo Cablayan is clearly the protagonist, Father Juan is
probably the most fully complicated of the characters, easiest to
identify with, for a contemporary reader. This is partly because, as
Mateo says, Father Juan is "wise and calm, but still very modern." At
several points, Father Juan seems to be addressing an audience of
readers, rather than Mateo or the other members of his congregation.
Unfortunately, this makes Mateo and his wife seem less real: more
details about Mateo and his wife Luz and their relationship will help.
Make it clear to us that they have quirks and history. Let Mateo
remember specific things about Luz, from before she sunk into her
depression. Let us see how Mateo fits into the social order of
Narvacan, and that Luz has friends, or doesn't have friends, or at
least that the other women have begun to gossip about her, before the
Bongolans' baby disappears. At the moment, Mateo and Luz are a bit
underwritten: write some flesh onto their bones. Details like Mateo
wondering about the emotional capacities of men and women are good:
this should resonate at the end, when he makes his terrible discovery
in his wife's garden. One note: "Maybe I hold in too much, he
thought. So much that I don't even know what I'm feeling. It all slips
through, like the water through my net." You probably need to add "Or
maybe it all slips through..." as either he holds it in, or else it
all slips through, not both.
Relationships with secondary characters need to be worked on. First we
learn that Jesus Bongolan's wife is missing from the fields, then that
she's had a baby, and immediately after that, that the baby has been
stolen, and then that Mateo and Jesus are friends and that Mateo has
warned Jesus about the aswang, and then that the village is suspicious
of Luz. All of this information may be essential, but it is given to
us in a very unnatural and inorganic sequence. Write some of this
information into the earlier story. Again, when Mateo finds out that
there are rumors that his own wife is an aswang, it seems odd that he
goes out to sea without first going home to check on her. He might not
go home, for any number of reasons, but the author needs to make his
actions seem natural rather than just plot-convenient.
All of the details about the aswang are wonderfully eerie and
gruesome: they make the flesh creep. The juxtaposition of description
of tongues like sharp bamboo straws, with sentences like ""Aswang
could be anybody, respectable people during the day who planted rice
or fished or made pottery" is fabulous. When it turns out that Luz is
the baby thief, even if she isn't the aswang that the village has been
looking for, that's fine. We don't need her to be revealed as a
supernatural and bloodthirsty monster--but we do need to see how she
has changed in Mateo's eyes. How does she appear to him now? Would it
be easier to accept her actions if she were an aswang, and not simply
his wife? And what will Mateo do now? One can't just simply cover
one's wife's legs with garlic and holy water.
Runner Up, short story: SERENADE by Michael Martineck
All three of this month's nominees stood out, not only because they
were well-written, but also for the writers' close attention to
world-building. Lots of small details in this story, like the antique
locket that Alec's wife Margot uses as a concom (although "concom" as
a word is distractingly clunky and Star Trekkish), make the future
seem just as real as Margot's pregnancy--again, also made concrete by
the use of many small, telling details. The larger premise of the
story--that artists depend upon corporate patronage, and that
patronage, in turn, is dependent upon world-web popularity--doesn't
seem all that far-fetched. If art (information) is free, then artists
will need sponsors, and corporations will use art and artists as a
form of advertising. This future feels entirely too possible--nice
extrapolating! The details about music also feel real, although
remember that it's "chords," not "cords." Descriptions of Alec's
performance as when he plays the second set after finding that he's
not in Windmill's budget are compelling and believable. The author
might want to suggest that "Doris from budget" is a fan, and that's
why she's risking her job to tell him.
The plot, unlike the world, feels a bit rushed and improbable. We'll
buy the set-up: "He wasn't 25 anymore. He needed a steady gig. They.
The little family. Mortgage, diapers, little jars of smushed peas."
That's good, funny, biting set-up. However, once the author has
introduced Alec's difficulties, and told us that "it was never a good
idea" to go looking for a new patron, we find out at the end that
Margot, unknown to Alec, goes out and finds a new patron as easy as
pie. We'll buy she's more practical than he is, and better at
business, but why doesn't he then consult with her? And has she told
him that she's solved his difficulties? And it seems a little
improbable that Windmill would really want to cut Alec loose because
he's too popular--they would probably want to tie him down cheaply
instead. And, of course, if company-artist relationships are really as
devious and difficult as this, then artists would have agents (as they
do now.) Give us a bit more of Alec and Margot's relationship, and a
bit more about company-artist relationships as well. The
dopamine/addiction/art subplot also needs a bit more space to develop:
Alec, once he's embarked on his grand experiment, begins to disappear
from the story. Pin him down, and show us close-up how he changes, and
how Margot and he adjust their relationship.
Winifred is an interesting character, but she, like Doris, needs to
have more of a place in the story. The author has a gift for making
characters seem real: once they're real, and in the story, they need
to stay in the story. Remember that the reader should feel that a
whole world and a cast of characters exists in AND outside of the
narrative, and not just when convenient, to propel the narrative. Work
on this some more--it may end up a lot longer than you originally
expected, but the writing overall is strong enough to support as much
story as your characters need.
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
This month's reviewer MVP is workshop newcomer Bob Allen. Along with
receiving four Honor Roll nominations in the past month for his
reviews, Bob is currently one of our top five reviewers as well (based
on number of substantial reviews). We're sending him a copy of
previous workshop member Cecilia Dart-Thornton's novel THE ILL-MADE
MUTE, which was an Editors' Choice long ago. It is adorned with an
OWW bookplate signed by Cecilia.
We list in the Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop the people who
have given useful, insightful reviews that have been appreciated by
the authors. After all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we
want to give great reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the
workshop community. In the newsletter we list reviewer names and
submissions reviewed; on the site we also include comments from the
submission's author. Most months we also award a prize to one or
more special reviewers. If you've received a review you really
appreciated and would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer
Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination form at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml or e-mail
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com the following information:
Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful
This month's honor roll:
Bob Allen, reviewing HOTWIRED, Ch.s 1 and 2, by Allie Davidson
Bob Allen, reviewing THE JEFFERSON SOCIETY by Brynna Ramin
Bob Allen, reviewing various stories by David Reagan
Bob Allen, reviewing TRIUMPH OF THE TRIUMVIRATE, Ch. 1, by Steve Kornic
Manda Benson, reviewing "Worth the Cost?" by Elizabeth Anne Ensley
John Borneman, reviewing "Second Coming" by Hannah Bowen
Tom Brown, reviewing "Old Bones" by Nigel Read
Christopher Jude Defensor, reviewing "She Who Sows, Reaps" by Jennifer
de Guzman
Roger Eichorn, reviewing FEAR ITSELF, Prologue and Ch. 1, by Bob Allen
Roger Eichorn, reviewing DOE, Chapter 1, by Steve Nagy
Elizabeth Anne Ensley, reviewing EDGE OF ICE, Ch.s 1.1 and 1.2 by Rob
Campbell
Nora Fleischer, reviewing PROMENADE by Melinda Kimberly
The members of Going to Get Published Dammit (a critiquing group),
reviewing HEART'S DESIRE (all chapters) by Jennifer St.Clair Bush
Sam Godwin, reviewing DRAGON'S TEST by RJ Hayes
Sam Godwin, reviewing A WISH FOR PEACE, Prologue, by Theresa P. Johnson
Penelope Hardy, reviewing "Harmony of Life" by Rick Lorentson
A. L. Hicks, reviewing THE BANDIT LITTLE RED, Ch. 1, by John Hoddy
John Hoddy, reviewing THE BLOOD OF ETERNALS by Gregg Jackson
domynoe l, reviewing "World Builders" by Jana Paniccia
domynoe l, reviewing THE HEART OF SATURDAY NIGHT by Mark Reeder
David Nihsen, reviewing SANRATHS REVENGE by Emma Gilbertson
Brynna Ramin, reviewing FEAR ITSELF Ch.s 2 and 3 by Bob Allen
M T Reiten, reviewing "Second Coming" by Hannah Bowen
M T Reiten, reviewing "It/They and the Cosmic Other" by Tom Shafer
Delos Rifenburgh, reviewing STALEMATE, Prologue and Ch.s 1-3, by
Laura Kent
Jeff Stanley, reviewing HEARTS DESIRE (all chapters) by Jennifer
St.Clair Bush
Jeff Stanley, reviewing TO HIDE A STAR (all chapters) by M T Reiten
Marguerite Wilson, reviewing THE NIGHTMARE SUN by Richard C Rogers
Eugene Woodbury, reviewing "Second Coming" by Hannah Bowen
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts! ("DROWW" is the original Del
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.) The latest news is listed below. Our
complete online Hall of Fame is at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml
Jennifer St.Clair Bush has sold print rights to YA novel THE TENTH
GHOST to Cosmos Books, a division of Wildside Press
(http://www.cosmos-books.com) and has sold HEART'S DESIRE to Cosmos
Books as well. Both will be out in 2002, and an e-version of THE
TENTH GHOST is coming soon from Bookmice.com. HEART'S DESIRE was
workshopped and one section was an EC runner-up. Jennifer says, "All
the people who reviewed HEART'S DESIRE really helped me make it into
something I am proud of."
Mark R. Knight's short story "At the Tower of Dragons" has been
accepted by Aphelion: The Webzine of Science Fiction and Fantasy
(http://www.aphelion-webzine.com). It was workshopped in May, and
Mark says, "I don't think I'd have gotten that far without the help of
the workshop."
Richard J. O'Brien's novel THE BABEL CODEX will be available soon from
PublishAmerica's imprint AmEricaHouse
(http://www.publishamerica.com/bookstore-b.htm). It's "a contemporary
fantasy replete with secret gnosis, shadowy government agents and five
unlikely heroes."
Nancy Proctor sold short story "The Dragon of Shiner Creek" to
Speculon (http://www.speculon.com), where it is scheduled to appear in
the August 1st issue.
Antonietta B. (A. B.) Wallace's novel THE MARK OF THE WEREWOLF is
available through PublishAmerica
(http://www.publishamerica.com/bookstore-m.htm). More information:
http://abwallace.com
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 7/20: 4926
Number of submissions currently online: 1726
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 67%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 0.6%
Number of submissions in June: 1097
Number of reviews in June: 4185
Ratio of reviews/submissions in June: 3.81
Estimated average word count per review in June: 361
Number of submissions in July to date: 642
Number of reviews in July to date: 2945
Ratio of reviews/submissions in July to date: 4.6
Estimated average word count per review in July to date: 368
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
POLL: What info would you want to get in a weekly workshop report?
As part of our new telltales system (e-alerts from the workshop),
we're eventually going to give members the option of receiving a
weekly report. We'll include in this report the member's current
submissions with their cumulative ratings and number of reviews; a
list of reviews contributed by the member during the week; and other
information that might be of use to members. What else would you like
to see? E-mail us at support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com if you
have suggestions.
TIP: IMPROVE YOUR NON-VISUAL DESCRIPTIONS
I found this exercise to be extremely useful. Go to a place you can
sit with your eyes closed (or have a partner to warn you of danger so
you can keep your eyes closed). Sit in that spot for five or more
minutes (I suggest at least ten--at most fifteen at one time) and
feel, listen, smell, the things around you--concentrate on all your
other senses with your eyes closed. At the end of the time period,
grab a notebook you had handy and write down what you heard, felt,
smelled, etc.--this is more profitable when done with the writer's
"eye" for description in mind. I did this on the beach and came up
with so many new ways to describe the setting of a beach that I may
not have thought of otherwise. When I read what I wrote of that
experience, it has the power to send me back to that ocean beach every
time with the details it inspired--and there is no sight in the
description anywhere (I can't wait to incorporate some of the details
in a beach scene of a future novel)!
(Thanks to member Laura Kent for this writing tip.)
TIP: WHEN _NOT_ TO REVIEW
Never review somebody's piece when you are
a) tired
b) in a rush to get some credit so you can post the piece you have been
working on all day and can't wait to see responses
c) not in the mood to review
I have found that I give the worst reviews when I am tired and in a
rush. I have done this, and I find I get frustrated that I can't find
a short piece to read, with easy mistakes to point out or suggestions
I can give without any real effort. I did exactly this, and wrote an
appaling review which I later apologized for and re-wrote. If I can
make this mistake, perhaps others can.
What I ended up doing was venting my frustrations at not finding a
piece I could review with no effort. Had I found one, the review I
would have done may have provided tips, but would not have been all
that positive.
I guess you could expand this to "Never review when you are not really
in the mood." It's far better to wait until you find a story (or
stories) you enjoy, then review them properly when you are in the
mood. Otherwise you are not being constructive.
(Thanks to member Gregg Jackson for this writing tip.)
TIP: PASSIVE AGRESSION
"Good storyline, but watch the passives." "Too much passive voice."
"Use more active sentences instead of passive."
Do these sound familiar? They should: Use of passive voice is one of
the most frequent criticisms on the workshop. But are we as writers
really so... passive? Before you dish out some passive aggression in
your next review, put your editing skills to the test!
Rewrite these sentences, changing passive to active as necessary:
A) "The Red Pony" was written by John Steinbeck in 1945. B) Kukla,
Fran, and Ollie were attending the class. C) The explosion could be
heard from miles away. D) Magda was a no-nonsense sort of woman. E)
The award is being presented by Coach Thomas. F) Johnny's grades were
falling rapidly. G) The professor was murdered late last night. H) The
moon is bright tonight. I) Several passive constructions were flagged
by the editor. J) Kylie is acting silly.
So, how many of these sentences did you rewrite? If you edited more
than Sentences A, E, and I, put down that red pen and let's review.
In an active sentence, the subject carries out the action while the
object receives or describes it: Mary throws the ball. A passive
construction turns this right around, so that the object performs the
action and the subject receives it: The ball is thrown by Mary.
Passives are formed by combining a form of "to be" with the main
verb's past participle.
What about Sentences B, F, and J? They have "to be" with a
participle, so they must be passive, right? Wrong! Many people will
misidentify these as passives, but they are really examples of
progressive tenses. Look carefully. In all three sentences, the
subject is the one carrying out the action. This is easier to see in
the simple past or present tense: Kukla, Fran, and Ollie attended;
grades fell; Kylie acts. Progressives indicate action that is
continuing or was interrupted. Compare "I went to the store" with "I
was going to the store." "I went to the store" sounds finished, while
"I was going to the store" leaves you wondering if I ever got there.
We have forms of the verb "to be" in Sentences D and H, too. Are they
passive? No again! These sentences illustrate linking verbs.
Linking verbs connect a subject and a complement; they are usually
forms of "to be" but can also be verbs related to the senses like "to
taste," "to look" or "to sound." A complement is a word or phrase
that tells us more about the subject's condition: John is tall.
Dinner smells delicious.
So if "to be" and participles aren't good ways to identify passives,
what is? The surest way is to find the sentence's main verb and ask
who or what did it. If the answer is "the subject," the sentence is
active, no matter how it looks. But even if the sentence is passive,
it's not necessarily wrong.
In Sentence C, the explosion is what was heard, not who heard it. In
Sentence G, the professor was the victim, not the murderer. Both
sentences are passive--and completely acceptable. Passives are
actually preferred when the identity of the actor is unknown or
unimportant. Any number of people might have heard the explosion; the
professor's murder is still unsolved. A passive can also be used to
focus attention more strongly on the recipient of the action than on
the actor, usually when the recipient becomes important later.
Sentence A ("The Red Pony" was written by John Steinbeck in 1945) is
passive, but if the rest of the paragraph is an analysis of the themes
in the novel it works as written. If the paragraph goes on with a
Steinbeck bibliography, though, it needs to be changed!
By now, you should be a pro at accurately picking out the passives.
You won't be misled by progressives or deceived by linking verbs, and
your hand won't automatically reach for a red pen every time you see a
page full of "is," "was" and "were." Now it's time to get working on
those reviews, confident in the knowledge that if you end up writing
"Nice plot, but too many passives!" you'll be right!
[This tip has been brought to you by the verb "to be," actively trying
to change its passive image.]
(Thanks to member Donnamarie Thiel-Kline for this writing tip.)
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
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