O | The Online Writing Workshop Newsletter, December 2000
W | sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Sponsorship Update: now sponsored through February 6!
- Workshop News:
  Special award for review hero
  New main page
  Editors' Choice eligibility
  Reminders and tips
- Editors' Choices for November submissions
- Editorial Focus: It's All in the Details
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Contest/Market Announcements
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Poll on e-alerts from the workshop
  Tips from fellow members

| - - SPONSORSHIP UPDATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Online Writing Workshop is currently sponsored by Del Rey Books,
one of the leading publishers of SF/F.  This sponsorship has now been
extended through February 6, 2001, so workshop membership will be
completely free through that date.  We will alert all members about 2
weeks before the end of the sponsorship, if no other sponsorship has
been lined up, and instruct you all in how to continue as paying
members if that's what you choose to do.  However, we're working on a 
bigger sponsorship deal that we should be announcing by the time of the
next newsletter.  Watch this space!

Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample
chapters of upcoming books, in-depth features, author interviews,
special offers, and more: http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured title for December/January: REDEMPTION OF 
ALTHALUS by David & Leigh Eddings 

Mythmakers and world builders of the first order, David and Leigh
Eddings spin tales that make imaginations soar.  Readers have thrilled
to THE BELGARIAD and THE MALLOREON, magic-filled masterworks
chronicling the timeless conflict between good and evil.  But with
those sagas brought to their triumphant conclusions, fans were left
hungry for more.  Now at last the wait is over.  With THE REDEMPTION
OF ALTHALUS, the Eddingses have created their first-ever stand-alone
fantasy.  Boldly written and brilliantly imagined, this new novel is
to be savored in the reading and returned to again and again for the
wisdom, excitement, and humor that only the David and Leigh Eddings
can provide. 

Find out more about the book and read an interview with David Eddings:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345440773


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

SPECIAL AWARD FOR REVIEW HERO

This month OWW is awarding a special prize to one of our most
committed reviewers, Afifah Myrah Muffaz.  She has been in the top
ranks of reviewers for the last month and has consistently contributed
far more reviews than she has received.  Her reviews are models of
concise and helpful suggestions.  For her diligence and help to other
members, we are awarding her a special one-time prize:  "A Celebration
of Ray Bradbury," a  chapbook produced by the National Book Foundation
when they recently gave Bradbury the 2000 Medal for Distinguished
Contribution to American Letters.  300 copies were printed; this is
copy 223, and it's signed (not all of them are).  Congratulations to
our Review Hero!

NEW MAIN PAGE

As we're sure you've noticed, we've built a new introductory page for
the workshop--one that explains its benefits to potential members,
including editors and agents, and lets interested people look at
samples of newsletters, reviews, etc. to see if they want to join us. 
For current members, we've added our daily Top Reviewers list and also
some daily statistics about workshop usage as well, and you can log in
directly from this first page.  Let us know what else you'd like to
see on our new "front door"!  (No Christmas wreaths or falling
snowflakes, please.)  Just send us mail at 
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

EDITORS' CHOICE ELIGIBILITY

Starting with the November Editors' Choice selections, we have made a
change to our selection process.  In order to make sure that some of
our most professional members don't take too much attention away from
other deserving writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible
for EC consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but we will be acknowledging these chapters briefly in
the Editors' Choices section of the newsletter just to be fair.

REMINDERS AND TIPS

Updating submissions:  If you want to replace a current submission
with an edited version, don't delete and resubmit--that will cost you
three review points.  Instead, use the "Edit this submission" link
that shows up when you view your own submission (no points necessary).
 However, if you want your updated submission to appear at the top of
the list again--for example, if you've done some major work on it--you
can always spend the three review points and resubmit it from scratch.
 Delete the previous version, but be sure to save your reviews first!

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.

Can't paste into our submission form?  As far as we can tell, fewer
than one out of a hundred members has this problem, which is caused by
a bug in the particular browser version they're using (seems to be a
version of Internet Explorer 5 on a PC).  But boy is it annoying if 
you're the 1!  Here are some tips for getting around this (sent in by 
other members):

TIP 1 (from member Arnie Schwartz):
I use Internet Explorer Version 5 at work and I am not allowed to
upgrade it.  The workaround is to click on the "file" pulldown at the
top left. Then click on "Edit with Microsoft Word for Windows". When
the new window appears, I am able to do cut and paste.

TIP 2 (from member Mike Dumas):
To copy from your word processor into the workshop on a PC with
Windows 98, highlight text and either:
--use shift-delete and shift-insert
--right-click and use the cut/copy/paste functions in the pop-up
window.

TIP 3 (from us at OWW):
If the size of the selection being pasted into the text box is too big
for your browser to handle, it will create the same symptoms as the
paste bug. You click, but nothing happens. The "append" form at the
bottom of the text box was created to solve this specific problem:
just cut and paste half your submission into the text box, then
submit, then choose "update/edit," select "append," and add the rest.

FINALLY:
If all else fails and you can't upgrade away from IE 5/PC, we will post
your submission for you.  Contact us at 
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two  runners-up in each category the
newsletter, with our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

Note: Starting with the November Editors' Choice selections, we've made 
a change to our selection process.  In order to make sure that some of
our most professional members don't take too much attention away from
other deserving writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible
for EC consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we will 
be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.  And so:

This month, we recommend to your attention Marnie Goodbody's latest
chapter of SUNDRAGON RISING (F), J. P. Moore's latest installment of 
THE MINOTAUR (F), and Keby Thompson's new chapters of BEE HOUSE RISING 
(SF).

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!


Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter:  SWEET ALIESSE,
Chapter 3, by Roger Eichorn

We found this world very interesting, and the characters and deftly
handled political intrigue immediately captured our interest. 
Although this is three chapters into the novel, one editor commented
that "it stands alone fairly well as a beginning."  The writing is
professional, and the details of this world,  (a near historical match
to our own 16th century), have been worked out very cleverly and
carefully. One editor did note that if the Pope in this world is
called the Paulis,  his letters are probably something other than
"papal." Another editor found the close parallels a little
distracting--as the novel progresses, the author's work will be to
make this world vivid and unique, drawing the reader into the story,
rather than continually reminding us of our own world. The fact that
this chapter of SWEET ALIESSE begins with Father Alessandro admiring
the frescoes of the long-dead artist Sacchetti is a nice transition
from the first few chapters, in which the artist Joban Lagarty was a
viewpoint character; when Allesandro (who has a keen eye for a fresco)
thinks that no one's work can possibly compare to Sacchetti's, it sets
up his future meeting with Lagarty. The author does a good job
conveying the tensions of Father Allesandro's audience with Paulis
John VIII: the chapter could be summarized by saying that two men meet
and talk--and yet, it's a very menacing scene. As Allesandro kneels
before the Paulis, he finds himself thinking of a long ago battle,
which is a wonderful, indirect way of breathing danger into this more
static scene, showing that words can be as dangerous as swords.
Fortunately, the author gives his characters sharp (and pointed!),
realistic dialogue. As for the writing in general, there are a few
sentence fragments which are probably intended to be dramatic, but
sentence fragments are usually better used to indicate an urgency, or
fracturing of time.  "A sun whose light failed to reach the city
below." doesn't work in the context of the preceding description--it
just seems abrupt. But when Allesandro suddenly finds himself thinking
of a forest, and men dying in his arms--here it seems appropriate to
break up his memories like bits of a mosaic. And then, "He had lived
to see dawn's light...He had lived to prostrate himself before Paulis
John VIII" is stronger than the fragmented "Had lived...Had lived..."
Those sentences need a pronoun, to stress the fact that he
(Allesandro) survived, while the others didn't.  Again, it's a nice
ironic reminder that being called before the Paulis is potentially
just as fatal as a battle. One editor says, "'Hoards of unoccupied
young men' should be 'hordes'...unless someone is saving them up?" One
more grammar quibble: it's best to avoid ending a sentence with a
preposition--"The Paulis held out the glass, and Alessandro took it
and drank from it." is much less awkward than "The Paulis held out the
glass, which Alessandro took and drank from."  The last line, "Holy
fools, everywhere," is very nice: it manages to describe both the
scheming Paulis himself (more concerned with politics than with his
own death), the unworldly Alessandro, and even the bishops who have
witnessed the meeting between Paulis and priest. We're looking forward
to reading more of this novel.

Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE TERRACOTTA 
SPACESHIPS, Chapter 2, by Nigel Atkinson

We found the narrative here engaging, although reading the second
chapter alone, some editors found the setting and characters a little
thin.  We don't know much about Nikolka's relationship with his
colleagues, or get much of his emotional reaction to their deaths--he
seems to shrug it off fairly fast. Perhaps a line or two in this
chapter about Oleg and Natasha as living people would make their
deaths have more weight, and be an improvement over the throwaway line
about Nikolka's tears.  One editor comments that "there might be even
more impact if these events were described in correct temporal
sequence:  First we see Oleg and Natasha lying against the far wall. 
Then we see the bullet holes.  Then we realize for ourselves that
they're dead."  The repetition of the "lying" in the next sentence
could be cut.  Also, Nikolka begins "to slowly pick his way through
the debris" and then considers how to cross the room, scrutinizing the
casings--the order of these actions seems reversed. The details about
the gangs and gang fashions are fantastic--more, please!  We
particularly liked the perfumed vodka, the description of the formerly
beautiful artists' homes, the long-vanished confection sellers, and
the tattoo of the hammer and sickle made up of tiny corporate logos. 
One editor says that "some of Nikolka's interaction with Alexei
doesn't quite ring true, and the reader's estimation of Nikolka is
diminished by it." Harrison's message on the rescued computer and the
world Harrison represents were intriguing, and Nikolka's situation, by
contrast, all the more dire.  Some line-level work needs to be done
here:  In general, the story could use some attention to tenses,
punctuation, and language.  "Brushing away the tears that had filled
his eyes"--should be "...the tears that filled his eyes"; "perhaps
they were too busy having fun" should be "...they had been too busy
having fun"; "He had watched the slow, agonizing death of a man
stricken with gangrene and swore then" should be "...sworn then."  "He
would prefer get into such a predicament" should be "...prefer to
avoid such a predicament." Alternating between "cartridges,"
"casings," and "cases" is confusing--one editor thought "cases"
referred to crates.  In Nikolka's dialogue with his gangster brother,
give each speaker's line of dialogue a new paragraph.  Nikolka's
dialogue and thought patterns alternate distractingly between
grammatically correct English and Russianized English such as
"Interesting when I can give you game of damn tennis." The speech
patterns need to be thought out more carefully.  Also, we're told
Nikolka had never seen Harrison's hands, and then a few lines later,
Harrison wags a finger on the computer screen.  We're looking forward
to reading the rest of the novel.

Editor's Choice, Short Story: DREAMLAND.COM by Alexander Gabriel

This was a fantastic and original piece of writing that manages to
comment on, among other things, the very format of the Online Writing
Workshop.  (We _think_ we're flattered.) One of the best things about
writing (and reading!) stories, is that at a shorter length, there's
paradoxically more space for experimentation.  Novels require things
like well-developed characters, but a short-story author can try
leaving some elements out and emphasizing others. There is a character
in this story, of course, Harriet, but what we discover about her is
limited to her dreams, her account summary, and her Y/N responses to
Dreamland.com's prompts. The writing manages to be beautiful, silly,
satirical, and in the end, a little scary, while at the same time,
conveying a sense of loss--a large sentient software organization
would like to incorporate our dreams and make us all happy again. This
raises interesting questions about Internet culture, where private and
deeply personal material becomes a public commodity, available to
strangers for enjoyment and interpretation. Substitute fiction for
dreams, and the story also comments on how fiction workshops, not to
mention professional fiction magazines, work--anyone can read or
comment on your story. The narrated dreams are wonderful: we loved
details like the shower curtain on which little Copenhagens are
burning, the golf ball that turns into the dreamer's mother, the
interactive dream in which the (perfect and funny options) of a wooden
boat, a flint hatchet, God, a hurricane, a birthday cake, an UFO, and
nothing are all squeezed in. One editor wrote, "All the dreams seemed
convincingly dreamlike. I especially enjoyed the line of Harriet's
post-apocalyptic dream that reads:  'You spend most of the week
calling everyone you know to make sure they are gone too.'" Some of
the Dreamland.com options, like "Do you wish to have incomprehensible
snippets of conversation that seem to suggest a meaning but never come
into focus Y/N," are great.  In some places, the Web-site language
could be a little tighter.  It probably isn't necessary to include
details like the "Opening Page 32 of 256 K," etc., especially since
that may ring false to people who are more technologically savvy.  An
editor writes that "The Tempest" quote is actually "We are such stuff
as dreams are made on," but then points out that everyone else seems
to get it wrong, so maybe Dreamland.com would mess it up as well.  In
Lea's dream, there are a couple of "than's" that should be "then's."
In the second sentence of Carla's dream, she should be removing petals
one by one, not tulips. Clean this story up a little, and submit it to
_Century_, or _Asimov's Science Fiction_, or scifi.com.  We're looking
forward to reading it again.  And finally, we would like to reassure
the author as well as the rest of the workshop that the Editorial
Board isn't just a collection of scheming, smart, AI software.  We
have no plans to take over the world--honest!


Runner Up, fantasy: MY RIGHT ARM by Angela Boord

This novel's opening sentence--"My right arm is made of silver"--drew
us in, and the voice of the narrator, Kyrra, was consistently
compelling, although some of the editors felt that the story might
flow more smoothly if told in the past tense rather than awkwardly
jumping between tenses in the opening paragraphs.  It's important to
consider the drawbacks of present-tense, first-person narration--it
does make the action of a story more immediate, but it also requires a
deft touch or else it distracts, especially when so much of the story
is told in flashback.  At this point, the flashback sections are much
stronger than the scenes in the tavern.  The author has stated that
this is part of a novella she is trying to work into a novel; we think
there's clearly enough plot, character, and world here for a novel,
and alternating chapters set in the present with chapters set in the
past is an excellent strategy for fleshing out the book.  At the
moment, a great many things seem rushed and undeveloped.  For example,
it was unclear to some editors whether Kyrra lost her arm as a
punishment for losing her virginity, or whether it was, as the story
later suggests, for aborting Cassis's child.  Some things would also
benefit from a bit more description--why does Kyrra end up with a
silver arm, rather than an arm made of something a bit harder and more
practical (silver is a very soft metal) and also less flashy?  Some of
Kyrra's comrades at arms or the men in the tavern could probably use
the money made from stealing and pawning a silver arm.  Also, making
one's own armor and stitching it together when you only have one arm
is a daunting task. Show this, rather than passing over it in a hurry.
 It also seemed odd that Kyrra's parents, living in a society which
puts such value on virginity, would be so oblivious to her trysts with
Cassis.  She should have a chaperone, and surely Cassis's visits to
the house would be carefully monitored.  But all of this sort of
detail can be ironed out by giving the backstory more room.  There are
beautiful descriptions in this chapter--for example, "I used to spend
hours at my window watching the ships that floated on that vast blue
expanse like the specks of pepper they carried in their holds..."  The
way in which Kyrra compares the ships and then the sea to trade goods
like pepper and bolts of silk is an excellent clue to her character
and her position in life, as well as being a fantastic pair of
similes. The description of Kyrra's mother's tea party is also
gorgeous--"My mother forced me into those teas like a general whipping
boys to war"--but later on, there may be too many references to teas
and teacups.  Occasionally, the language feels more strained than
poetic, however, and suffers in clarity--"his fingers as they brushed
my cheek ridged slightly with callous" suggests that her cheek is
calloused (or rather, callused.) Cassis, at this point, seems textbook
romance villain--he speaks in cliches, and Mam is much more
interesting and vivid.  Of course, Kyrra was young and naive and, like
many other young, naive women, ready to fall for a walking cliche--but
it would be good if she could remember some quirk of character or
detail to make him come alive to the reader.  Her suitors are
described at least twice with the phrase "lined up in the receiving
room," an editor points out. What were her other suitors really like?
It will tell the reader something about Kyrra, her world, and how
Cassis is something new and different if you describe them, or show
some of Kyrra's interactions with them.  Also, similes like "He walked
in like the scent of orange blossoms, immediate and beautiful", are
more poetic than picturable; one editor comments, "orange blossoms
can't walk."  Pick another image, one that describes Cassis and only
Cassis; that conveys his sensual impact on her; that makes him seem
rare and dangerous and immediately desirable.  We're hoping that you
do continue with this novel and these characters--we're eager to
read more.

Runner Up, fantasy: BOOK OF NAMES Prologue by Sarah Prineas

As usual, this was a tough month to rank the fantasy chapters.  We
found this prologue immediately engaging, just like the SWEET ALIESSE
and MY RIGHT ARM chapters.  Like Kyrra in MY RIGHT ARM, the
protagonist of this selection, Andra, is a strong, interesting female
character who has fallen prey to a lustful villain. Like Cassis, Sten
seems much more of a villainous cliche than an actual person. We would
like more detail on this world, and on Andra's rejuvenation and her
connection to the woods. One editor said that while this was a
prologue, rather than an opening chapter, "I should be more curious
about the life/role of the protagonist in her woods, but I'm not,
quite.  Somehow this doesn't have enough loose ends to pull me
onward..." One editor noted that the prologue "had a nicely crafted
balance between beauty and brutality." The description of the birth is
intense and graphic whereas the rape wasn't really described and
doesn't need to be--the author knows that the one scene conjures up
the other. The enscribed (do you mean "inscribed", one editor wonders,
or are you just trying to sound a bit more archaic?) parchment which
Sten uses to ensorcel Andra, which she later spits out as a black
clotted mass, is another strong visual image evocative of invasion and
rape. We did feel that after the author has told us the names of the
characters--Andra and Sten--referring to them as "the woman" and "the
man" is confusing and distancing. The one point at which it seems
appropriate to the story to refer to Andra as "the woman" is after she
has been raped--at this point, she has literally been stolen from
herself by Sten's spell and by the rape.  She's very far away from
things like her own body, and her own name, and referring to her as
"the woman" reminds the reader of this.  At the beginning, the writing
seems a bit too rich. Pruning the description of the trees might make
it stronger--remove adjectives like "proudly", and edit out some of
the clauses.  By cutting some of the first paragraph, the writer can
better emphasize the really lovely bits of her writing.  For example,
"All was still in the holybark grove.  The slim boles of the trees
stretched upwards; overhead, the leaves in the canopy trembled as if
waiting.  A light breeze turned up their silver undersides, and a
tinkling, like bells just on the edge of hearing, disturbed the
silence," is tighter, and less piled up and jammed together, than the
original. "Her murmuring voice" is more concise and strong than "Her
voice, an almost wordless murmuring." Most sentences will benefit by
removing opening phrases like "Shaking her head" and "In a smooth
motion" and "Without hesitation."  When Sten reveals himself to Andra,
beware of images like "he moved his eyes over her new, young body" and
"his eyes still caressing her body" which sound as if his eyes, like
removable, sentient slugs, are physically crawling over her.  Further
into the prologue, much of the forced-feeling poetic style drops away,
and the writing is clearer and stronger. 

Runner Up, science fiction:  THE RE-EVOLUTION OF MAN, Prologue, 
Sections Two and Three by Darriel Caston

We thought this novel had a lot of potential.  The author gave us not
one, but two sets of characters in danger, which is always a good
idea.  We wanted to know more about the world, which seemed like a
complicated, interesting SF construction.  Several of the editors felt
that the quotes that began each segment weren't doing very much, and
there seemed to be far too much action for this to be a prologue--it
feels much more "in media res" than set-up or backstory.  In fact, so
much is happening that readers are introduced to characters and
situations too hastily.  Focus on the characters--introduce the
various settings and disasters a little more slowly.  In the first
section, there's too much technical detail on one hand--we don't need
to know how everything works--and too much of Cory's internal
emotional anguish on the other hand.  Pare down the sentences so that
they read more grammatically and less awkwardly--"spot" instead of
"dot of Jupiter"; "seemed" instead of "seem"; "cyclopean eye" instead
of "single red eye of a cyclops" (single is redundant, and we've
already been told that it's red.) Look out for colloquialisms like
"way to [sic] loud" which are jarring and inelegant.  "Molasses" and
"masses" is an unfortunate, unintentional rhyme. Rather than
melodramatically describing the deaths of Cory's parents, it might be
good to describe a boy sitting on the outside of a habitat, under the
great red eye of Jupiter, waiting for something.  Don't tell us what
he's waiting for, or what has happened to the adults and the
habitat--build suspense slowly.  Let us know that something is wrong,
but don't tell us what.  End the scene when Cory sights the
spacecraft.  The next scene can begin as a plain transcript of an
interview between Cory and Captain Ramirez--the less you tell us about
something horrible, the stronger the impact of the things that aren't
described, or internally compassed by the characters.  That way, we
have to imagine what Cory or Captain Ramirez is feeling--make your
readers do the work for you.  Also, descriptives like "emerald eyes"
seem straight out of a romance novel.  In the first few paragraphs of
the second segment, tone down the language--it's too busy.  We are
told that shafts of light "shattered" and "slithered"  and "disturbed"
puddles of shadow, while space shuttles "roared challenges to heaven,"
and "clawed their way through the dawn sky."  Too much! "Playing
counterpart" should be "playing counterpoint," but remember, it's not
a symphony--don't overload the senses with busy verbs or metaphors. 
Phrases like "anxiety crept into her demeanor" are awkward and
impossible to visualize.  When her grandfather smiles, just tell us
that he smiles--you don't have to spend half a paragraph building up
to the smile.  One editor says that "after the serious discussion
Zaree and her grandfather have been having, her 'wicked' smile seems
out of place and the following comment about Liesell Stewart is
awkward and ungrammatical: 'She was a handful, but when the chips were
down you could always count on her, but they somehow complemented each
other.'" Cut or rework overdone descriptions like "She was a child of
the land, and could dance to its subtle music" and "Sasha was lean
muscle, strength and power enshrouded in a spirit of loyalty and
friendship"--spirit is shrouded in flesh, not vice versa.  The section
in Sasha's POV was well-handled and imaginative, although one editor
points out that if Sasha is a nearly-300-pound animal, she probably
doesn't fit under a table, and "the discourse on war and philosophy is
jarring in the middle of the-world-as-seen-by-Sasha." Clean up this
draft, and keep on writing.

Runner Up, science fiction:  GINGERBLUE by Bryant Telfer

We thought this opening chapter was well-written, but somewhat
predictable. It stuck closer to the old, hardboiled school of
detective fiction than does the proverbial gum on a shoe.  The SFnal
details were sometimes attention-catching, like the neuro-whore and
her john.  Sometimes they went a little over the top: "The bored
government health worker idly masturbated as he watched them from his
truck.  He dispensed the free government heroin and Prozac to the
neighborhood children every Tuesday."  This may be too
tongue-in-cheek.  The tone wavers too much between straight "biopunk
noir" a la K. W. Jeter and goofy, spoofish satire. One of the editors
liked the introductory quote, while others felt that it didn't add
anything to the narrative, and that the first paragraph could be cut
as well.  One editor notes that Kash's hardboiled persona seems to
waver--"tossing off tough-guy quips one moment and wiping his hands
nervously on his pants the next." Miss Dunn's comments about
"testicular fantasy" and her question about erections (straight out of
Dashiell Hammett's THE THIN MAN) seem a bit crude, as does Kash's
reaction to her goads. A hardboiled detective shouldn't be so jumpy.
The idea of a professional sniffer is interesting, but surely Kash
wouldn't give away trade secrets--cat piss--to an employer he doesn't
trust.  At the moment, we don't know enough about Kash to want to read
more about him; at the moment, like the world, he's all slick exterior
and attitude.  One editor suggests that the author "begin with a scene
slightly later in the storyline, something that illustrates the
protagonist's problem or dilemma...that will draw in [the reader]."

Runner Up, short story: ROGER'S COROLLARY by Shari Willadson

While one of the editors felt that this was an idea, rather than a
story, and another editor pointed out that Michael Kandel had pulled
it off at novel length in "the hilarious CAPTAIN JACK," most of us
thought "Roger's Corollary" was a terrific piece of flash fiction. 
Like this month's Editor's Choice, this is another strong,
experimental piece of short short fiction.  One editor commented,
"This is probably the first time I have written a critique longer than
the story itself."  Another editor points out that, like a haiku,
every word of a short short counts.  "The last sentence would have
more impact it if was its own paragraph." She also wondered to which
theorem Roger's corollary referred. The sentence "He'd stand under the
blue light and close his eyes, ask us if he'd flashed at all" is a
little unclear, and inserting "out" after "once he blinked" would make
it clear that he's not just blinking his eyes.  The last sentence
manages to be both funny and poignant--an escape from Newark, and yet,
no one wants "to want another place too badly."  It's a nice twist on
the "there's no place like home" motif.  The author also posted
another good short short in November--this one about mysterious
socks--which is worth reading.

Runner Up, short story: EXIT WITHOUT SAVING by Ruth Nestvold

We found the premise of this story interesting, the writing strong,
but the setting and the characters a little rushed.  It's always good
to begin with a funeral.  Mallory, addicted to body-swapping, could be
a very sympathetic character, if we knew a little more about her;
lines like "So Ethan had left her too.  She was used to that," need to
be explored. The dialogue, like the writing in general, is good. 
Opening directly with the conflict of the story is maybe not so
good--perhaps we should just observe the funeral, and find out how
dangerous Mallory's job is a little later on, in conversation with
Ethan.  Maybe they should go home in love--funerals tend to bring
people together--eat dinner, go to bed, have sex, and then fight about
Mallory's job.  There tend to be certain rhythms to married life. 
(Are they married, or just living together?) In general, important
details were missing--spend a little more time describing the physical
and mental differences when Mallory goes joyriding in a male body.
Things should even smell differently. Make it clear how the transfer
works, and maybe show Mallory's borrowed body lingering as it looks
down at her uninhabited, original body--this could potentially be a
very powerful moment. Here's a radical plot suggestion: it might be
less melodramatic if the threat to Mallory was not brain drain, but
was rather just that agents tended to run off--go native, so to speak,
in their put-on bodies. Tell us who Dane is right away, and why
Mallory uses her brother's body to go out and pick up women--that's
very nice and creepy, but at the moment, unexplored.  Also, what is
Sue doing in a dive bar?  At the moment, the voices, and the
revelation that her morph unit is haunted by cast-off bits of other
people's personalities, come out of almost nowhere. You could either
set it up a little better, or else just discard it--somehow, it makes
Mallory's flight seem less original. The haunting last paragraph of
the story, in which Mallory runs off into the woods, would lose
nothing if you cut the end of it to read "The forest was green and she
was wet.  Wet and cold.  Cold and wet, taking her away." The last line
of the story is lovely--"The forest was green and she was far away." 
Don't let Mallory linger to diagnose Sue--she should just look down,
see that something is wrong, and then run away. In general, the
writing level of the story was high, but the pacing was a little
rushed. It might be better to give Mallory three times at morphing, so
we can see a little better what Mallory does while illicitly swapping
for pleasure, and what she enjoys about it.  Slow things down.  Also,
show us a little more of Mallory's married life--in flashback, if you
want, to make us see how the marriage worked, before Mallory runs away
from her husband, her old life, and her old body. Linger a little
longer on this story and this world--we need to see some of the
everyday stuff better (like e-cars, for example, and the burbs--how do
they fit in with the woods that Mallory flees into?) to both
understand what Mallory wants to get away from, and to be able, as
readers, to put on the new body of this story, before things start
going wrong. 

| - - EDITORIAL FOCUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Here's our first article on writing by our editorial administrator, 
author Kelly Link.  This one's about the use (and abuse) of details 
in SF/F:

I've been rereading my old stories.  I'm going over them with a
finetooth comb, looking for awkward sentences, metaphors that don't
work, descriptions that seem weak or cliched or repetitive --I'm even
reading them aloud, which is an painful yet useful way to make sure
that everything really sounds right.  In June, these stories are going
to be published in a collection called STRANGER THINGS HAPPEN.  After
several months of reading slush for one of the SF magazines, reading a
Terry Brooks novel (in order to write the jacket copy), reading every
single selection that comes into the Online Writing Workshop, reading
the new Stephen King book ON WRITING (for fun), and reading my own
work, I'm beginning to develop some theories about how fiction works,
when it works, and why it doesn't work, when it doesn't.

At the moment, I'm intensely interested in how writers can use small
details to convey character, motivations, setting, and mood.   I'm not
talking about window-dressing sort of details, such as gem-like eye
colors. (In real life, how often do you meet women or men with topaz
or emerald-colored eyes? How often do you come across them in epic
fantasy or SF novels? In real life, do you even notice the color of a
stranger's eyes?  Or the eyes of your children's teacher? I usually
don't. But in standard fantasy novel, it occasionally seems as if each
characters is given a brilliantly colored pair of contact lenses upon
entering the plot. For further rants on cliches like eye color, pick
up a copy of Diana Wynne Jones's TOUGH GUIDE TO FANTASYLAND.)

Character description shouldn't be a catalogue of physical
attributes--in fact, good writers know how to leave things out. Or
rather, good writers go back through their first drafts and prune back
all those lyrical descriptions of which they were originally most
proud.  There's a workshop saying that sums up this process: "Kill
your babies."  After you've written your first draft, I'd encourage
you to cut out as many adverbs, adjectives, internal monologues, and
eye colors as you can stand.  By all means, experiment with styles,
but make sure you've mastered a plain, pared-down prose style.
Overwriting, like overexplaining, is fatal to narrative pace. My
secret vice is leaving out things like endings, or the gender of my
characters--and there's even a French writer, Perec, who wrote an
entire novel without using the letter "e."  It's called A VOID.  Try
leaving things out--it's a lot of fun.

In place of things like eye color, give your readers something tasty
and nutritious--some detail about your characters or your setting that
will seem both familiar and strange.  (Like the Steven Wright joke in
which a man comes home and discovers that all of his furniture has
been stolen by burglars and then replaced with exact replicas.)  Feel
free to cannibalize your own life, or the lives of your friends or
relatives (tastefully, of course).

You want to remind readers of the real world at the same time that
you're stealing them away. Maybe your character has an obsession with
a particular kind of music, or sport--there aren't enough sports in
fantasy and science fiction.  Don't give your main character a
sidekick--make your main character a sidekick!  The Tontos of the
world are much more interesting than the Lone Rangers, as the writer
Karen Joy Fowler has shown us.  Maybe the world you're building is
flat as a pancake, right up to the horizon--no hills, mountains, or
valleys.  How would this affect the personality of its peoples? Even
religions might be a little odd, in a place where there were not a
single mountain (to come to Mohammed), not a single (shadow of the)
valley (of death).  

There are two basic tricks to writing fantasy or science fiction.  You
can make everyday things seem strange and magical/otherworldly, like
the K-Mart in Shari Willadson's short-short "Roger's Corollary." Or
else you can make strange and otherworldly things seem cosy and homey,
by comparing spaceships to teacup saucers, spell books to recipe
books. The trick is in the details.

--Kelly Link

copyright (c) 2000 by Kelly Link

| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We list in each newsletter the names of people who have given useful,
insightful reviews that have been appreciated by the authors.  After
all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we want to give great
reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the workshop
community. If you've received a review you really appreciated and
would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer Honor Roll, just
e-mail the following information to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Reviewer: Marsha Sisolak
Submission: MERLIN'S CHILDREN, Prologue, by Michael McBroom
Author's comments: "Insightful and helpful."

Reviewers: Mike Martinez and Margo Berendsen
Submission:  DARK MATTER by Mark R. Knight
Author's comments: "They have been most helpful to me, and I would
like to publicly acknowledge them."

Reviewer: Arnold Schwartz
Submission: THE BETA CONSPIRACY, Chapter 4 by Mike Dumas
Author's comments: "I'd like to thank Arnie for all the thought and
work he put into his review.  I'm still going through all his good
ideas."

Reviewers: Pen Hardy and Larry West
Submission: AMARATH by J. M. Blumer
Author's comments: "You can look at nearly any story they have
reviewed to see the depth and breath of their input. ÝWhat impresses
me most is the way in which they provide feedback. ÝIt's always with
a touch of humor or a kind touch, yet honest and to the point."

Reviewer: Larry West
Submission: DEATH'S GARDEN by Elizabeth August
Author's comments: "Even when he chastizes, Larry does so in a
scholarly and humorous way.  It causes a person to stop and learn!"

Reviewer: Sarah Prineas
Submission: DEATHWATCH by Catherine Murphy
Author's comments: "Sarah has critted all three chapters posted (1, 2,
and 3) and her comments have been right on the mark.  I've really
appreciated the
consistent quality of her reviews.  Thank you!"


| - - CONTEST/MARKET ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The National League of American Pen Women (1300 17th St, Washington
DC, 20036) gives a prize of $1000 in even-numbered years to an
American woman over 35 years of age to further creative goals at an
age when encouragement can lead to realization of long-term purposes. 
Submit a published or unpublished article, short story, editorial,
drama, teleplay, 3 poems or 1st chapter of a novel.  There is an $8 
fee for submission.

_Black Gate_ publishes epic fantasy fiction at all lengths
(including novel excerpts), articles, interviews, news
and reviews.  It is seeking adventure-oriented fantasy fiction
suitable for all ages as long as it is well written and
original. 6 cents/word for fiction, and 5 cents/word for non-fiction.
More information: http://www.blackgate.com

WORLD WRITERS.NET offers prizes in each issue of $1,000 and $500 plus
$200 for each published story. Annual Grand Prize $5,000 and a Gold
Medal for the best story of the year.  Stories should be literate and
entertaining.  Preferred length 2500-5000 words. Submission info at:
http://www.worldwriters.net/


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!

Member Dorian E. Gray's short-short "Mercy" appears in the current
issue of the webzine "Antipodean-SF" (http://antisf.com/index.html). 

Member Pam McNew's flash-fiction piece "Breakfast" is on the
Anotherealm Web site (http://www.anotherealm.com).

Member Mark Budman's flash-fiction piece "It's Like Salty Water, Only
Red" is online at The Melic Review
(http://www.melicreview.com/current).

Member Dave Kuzminski recently won the Short Fantasy Story contest
held at The Writer's Hood (http://www.writershood.com/htms/fantasy.htm).

Member Steve Hallberg's short story "Tetley's Time Travel Emporium,"
which was an EC runner up for October, appears in the December issue
of _Planet Relish E-Zine_ (www.planetrelish.com).  This is his first
SF/F sale.

Member Charles Coleman Finlay has just sold his short story
"Footnotes" to _The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction_.   He says,
"This is a story I workshopped, significantly rewriting and expanding
it after receiving everyone's comments."

Member Kathleen Ward/Elizabeth August has black and white
illustrations in the Fall 2000 issue of _Dreams of Decadence_
alongside Jennifer de Guzman's story. Some of her work is also up on
www.HorrorArtOnline.com.


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 12/20: 1354
Number of submissions currently online: 747

Number of submissions in November: 255 
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November: 3.83
Estimated average word count per review in November: 366

Number of submissions in December to date: 179 
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December to date: 4.82


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

POLL: YOUR OPINION WANTED

We are planning a system of "e-alerts" for the workshop, so that you
can sign up to be notified by e-mail when various things happen. 
"Various things" might include the following:
--Someone reviews your submission
--Member X makes a submission
--Member X updates his/her submission that you previously reviewed
--Member X submits a review
--other ideas?

The e-alerts will include a URL that will take you straight to the new
content (after you log in).

We're also considering a weekly stats message you could sign up for;
this would include, for each of your submissions, number of views that
week and in total, cumulative ratings, new reviews with content and
reviewer name.  So you could choose to be updated in real time or
weekly about your own submissions.

We're thinking that sign-ups for these e-alerts will appear on the
relevant submission or review pages as well as in the member
directory, and your current e-alert list will be customizable in the
Your Info section, where you'll be able to suspend or delete your
e-alerts at any time.

Comments?  Thoughts?  Further suggestions?  Let us know in the next
few weeks at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.


TIPS FOR MEMBERS

A major problem with beginning writers is that they often have their
characters saying mundane things in ways that nobody in the real world
would ever do! A successful writer needs to master the art of
transferring the sense of a "real" conversation onto paper.

For some reason, many people seem to have the idea that contracted
forms of speech (e.g., "you're" instead of "you are", "it's" instead
of "it is") have no place in "serious" written literature.  The result
is often extremely boring and stilted dialogue and prose.  I can't
stress this too strongly: You simply HAVE to learn to write dialogue
the way normal people speak it, otherwise, you wind up with something
that sounds like the fine print on the back of a rental contract.

Having said that, it's quite OK to _deliberately_ use noncolloquial
language to indicate that a character isn't speaking in his/her/its
native language. In fact this can be a very useful way of avoiding too
many dialogue tags like "The Fuyrtdtiasnghiann said", "Jim said", "The
Fuyrtdtiasnghiann said." 

When I'm writing dialogue, I find it helpful to actually _say_ the
spoken parts out loud, to see if they really "flow off the tongue" as
it were. If you can get someone else to listen while you do it, so
much the better.

--contributed by member Helena Szczepaniak

Need a story idea or just some exercise of your writing skills?  Visit
the Instant Muse Web site for an instant story idea: 
http://www.webcom.com/wordings/artofwrite/storystarter.html

--contributed to the OWW-Writing list by J. Jenna Jameson


TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's 
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter.  Just send it to 
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.

See you next month!

The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2000 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|

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