O | The Online Writing Workshop Newsletter, January 2001
W | sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Sponsorship Update: big deal approacheth
- Workshop News:
  Upcoming enhancements and changes
  Reminders
- Editors' Choices for December submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Contest/Market Announcements
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Poll on sub-groups in the workshop

| - - SPONSORSHIP UPDATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Online Writing Workshop is currently sponsored by Del Rey Books,
one of the leading publishers of SF/F.  This sponsorship extends
through February 6, 2001, so workshop membership will be completely
free through that date.  Our bigger and longer-range sponsorship deal
is still in the negotiation stage, but we will send out a special
announcement as soon as we have news.  In case we _don't_ secure
this long-term sponsorship, we will instruct you all in how to continue
as paying members if that's what you choose to do.  Members who joined
after September 2000 will first get the benefit of their one-month
free trial period.

Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured title for January/February: REDEMPTION OF 
ALTHALUS by David & Leigh Eddings 

Mythmakers and world builders of the first order, David and Leigh
Eddings spin tales that make imaginations soar.  Readers have thrilled
to THE BELGARIAD and THE MALLOREON, magic-filled masterworks
chronicling the timeless conflict between good and evil.  But with
those sagas brought to their triumphant conclusions, fans were left
hungry for more.  Now at last the wait is over.  With THE REDEMPTION
OF ALTHALUS, the Eddingses have created their first-ever stand-alone
fantasy.  Boldly written and brilliantly imagined, this new novel is
to be savored in the reading and returned to again and again for the
wisdom, excitement, and humor that only the David and Leigh Eddings
can provide. 

Find out more about the book and read an interview with David Eddings:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345440773


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

ENHANCEMENTS ON THE WAY

By early February we will have launched a new version of the workshop
with various improvements and enhancements (many suggested by
members).  Some of the areas we've worked on are:  page navigation in
the submission listings and member directory; member-directory
information; new questions in review and submission forms; and more
monthly statistics (which we will pass along to you!).  We are gearing
up for our next major efforts:  our e-mail alert system for members
and our special features for subgroups within the workshop.  Let us
know what else would make your workshop experience better--just send
us mail at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

EDITORS' CHOICE ELIGIBILITY

Starting with the November Editors' Choice selections, we have made a
change to our selection process.  In order to make sure that some of
our most professional members don't take too much attention away from
other deserving writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible
for EC consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but we will be acknowledging these chapters briefly in
the Editors' Choices section of the newsletter just to be fair.

MIXED SF/F SUBMISSIONS--READ THEM!

We've noticed that the submissions categorized as "mixed SF/F" get
fewer reviews than either SF or F.  If you're looking for something to
review, please consider sorting by Mixed SF/F and choosing an
interesting-looking submission.

REMINDERS AND TIPS

Updating submissions:  If you want to replace a current submission
with an edited version, don't delete and resubmit--that will cost you
three review points.  Instead, use the "Edit this submission" link
that shows up when you view your own submission (no points necessary).
 However, if you want your updated submission to appear at the top of
the list again--for example, if you've done some major work on it--you
can always spend the three review points and resubmit it from scratch.
 Delete the previous version, but be sure to save your reviews first!

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

Note: Starting two months ago, we've made a change to our selection
process.  In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.  And so:

This month, we recommend to your attention the latest installment of
THE TERRACOTTA SPACESHIPS (SF) by Nigel Atkinson, new chapters of
SWEET ALIESSE (F) by Roger E. Eichorn, Marnie Goodbody's latest
chapter of SUNDRAGON RISING (F), J. P. Moore's new installment of 
THE MINOTAUR (F), and Keby Thompson's new chapters of BEE HOUSE 
RISING (SF).  

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!

Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE PRINCE OF
NOTHING, Chapter 1 by Scott Bakker

We thought that the world portrayed in this chapter was vivid, and
teeming with interesting characters. The city of Carythusal is a nice
place to visit while sitting comfortably in an armchair, reading, but
we wouldn't want to live there. The author's attention to the details
of world-building--from the tiles of the Holy Leper and the honey that
the tavern whore uses to pick up the pieces of money, to the dogs that
run loose in the temples of the Scarlet Spires, trained to sniff for
henna--is impressively thorough.  This intricate, layered, Vance-like
heaping up of characters, history, and setting was exactly to the
taste of one-half of the Editorial Board; it gave the other half of
the Editorial Board a headache. One editor said, "I found this
intriguing, but felt increasingly battered by unfamiliar proper nouns
(people, places, empires, types of ruler, factions, etc...) Too much
for one chapter!"  Another editor said, "This is a winner. Everything
works." (And then went on to say, "I'm aware that there is a prologue
that precedes this. I haven't read it, but the question still arises:
what purpose can it serve?" Another editor noted that "marks" are a
part of a con man's slang, not a spy's.  When there are such riches of 
exotic detail, it's necessary to start off with ones that feel true to 
the reader, and keep things as clear as possible as the story
progresses--for example, is Psukhe a type of Cishaurim sorcery, or a
person's name? The author has an enviable gift for portraying setting
and character, for dialogue, and for pacing: well-placed flashbacks
don't dissipate any of the chapter's tension, and after Achamian and
Geshrunni leave the tavern, the two lines of narrative play off each
other well. The dimensions of Achamian's childhood--"places far and
near and...people high and low" is very nice writing, as is his
realization that these distinctions tend to collapse as one grows
older. The dilemma of the Mandate Schoolmen is wonderful, although the
specifics of Seswatha's dream may be the straw of detail that broke
the editorial camel's back.  Could this first mention of the dream be
more vague?  Less proper names, more atmosphere--just mention a
battle, a forest, a war, a dying king. Then let Achamian wake up just
the way you've written it.  "'Our King!' Achamian cried to those who
encircled him.  'Our King is dead!' But everything was darkness." 
Later, we can get the rest of the story. One editor suggests that the
last line of Geshrunni's encounter with the stranger, "These would be
the last words Geshrunni would hear before the real anguish began,"
can be cut without a pang of regret--the stranger's answer "Something
impossibly ancient...inconceivably beautiful," is a much better line
to end on, and we already know that Geshrunni is about to meet a
miserable fate. Leave us in a bit of suspense. Finally, one editor
objected to the foreshadowing in the paragraph beginning "Almost three
years would pass before Achamian would find an answer to this
question..."  Stay close to Achamian's POV, and you'll keep your
readers close and interested as well.

Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: ALL WE EVER WANTED,
Chapter 2 by Jennifer de Guzman

We liked the sturdy, childlike narrative voice in this chapter, and
the strong sense of place--although it seemed distractingly unclear to
most of the editorial board where exactly Luna was as she was writing
the various parts of  her journal--back at home with Nina again? And
when does she show her journal to Seth and Nina? Long afterward? Luna
stays at Seth's flat for at least a month--during this time, do Seth
and Nina continue to have contact? Luna doesn't mention it one way or
the other, and she probably should--it seems likely, as one editor
points out, that Seth and Nina are arranging things on Luna's behalf,
as she isn't quite capable of taking care of herself. One editor
suggests that in the section addressed to Nina, some of the
direct-address "Nina"s be cut--"that's how people talk, but my
suspicion is that even people who write as if they're talking wouldn't
use quite so many forms of direct address." Luna and Nina's history
together is interesting--especially the repetition and reversal of
Nina's care of Luna when Nina comes back from the Endowment.  So is
the juxtaposition of technology and magic, as when Luna refers to Nina
working on "your jujus and your computer." The reference to the ghost
near the river is also nice, especially when, at the end, Luna sees a
copy of herself sitting and drinking jasmine tea with Nina. The
Outskirts are a potentially haunting setting, but as it is, Seth's
motives for bringing Luna to the Outskirts actually seem more
simplistic and disturbing--he goes to see the people who inhabit the
Outskirts in order to make himself and Luna feel better about their
own lives? This seems a particularly self-involved and Victorian
motive--like bringing one's children to a madhouse in order to impress
upon them their own good fortune. It might be better to let Luna and
Seth wander into the Outskirts in a less purposeful fashion, and then
have a less directed conversation about what they see there. Let Luna
(and the reader) see the children, and the woman with the odd face, as
actual people, not as a valuable lesson. We were intrigued by the
dislocation at the end of this chapter, and the possibility that Luna
wasn't dreaming when she saw herself with Nina.  We're looking forward
to reading more of this novel.

Editor's Choice, short story: "Water, Green River, Daybreak" by 
Sarah Prineas

It's an interesting fact that readers instinctively expect more of a
character named Marfa Petrovna Kopelnikova than characters with
shorter names. Marfa Petrovna Kopelnikova has gravitas.  The writing
in the story is professional and assured, and lovely in places, as
when Marfa describes the elemental snow and the people who live in
houses built of it, and the lake that is suddenly full of "tiny,
silver fish" when the snow melts. The last sentence is also
beautiful--it recalls Marfa's tales of the Russian snow. The setting,
a sort of magical Miami Beach, could have seemed too close to
Borderlands series that Will Shetterly, Emma Bull, and John M. Ford
have written in, but it has its own distinct character. It would be
nice to get even more of a feel for Miami's extremely mixed
community--Cubans (like Marfa's mostly absent landlord, Mr. Salvador),
African-Americans, tourists, comfortably out gay couples, high school
students on spring break, retirees, etc. Of course, an author can only
put so much local color into one story. (Maybe you've got enough
potential setting for a novel instead!) One editor comments on the
"fashionable misspelling" of the word "magickal:" "adding the 'k' at
the end seems like a hokey attempt at making the subject seem cool--as
if magic wasn't already cool enough...can you tell that this is a pet
peeve?" Another editor comments that "the paragraph that starts 'X
began to speak,' in which X lays out the warlock's plans, is much less
effective as narration than it would be as dialogue." A copyediting
note: "Art Deco" is usually capitalized. The ending seemed somewhat
vague to most of the editors--we assumed that Michael is resting, not
dead, but it seems forced and unnatural that we get no reaction from
Marfa to his changed condition, one way or the other. All the editors
felt that there must be some sort of symbolic meaning to the white cat
that Marfa then encounters, but no one was sure whether the cat was X,
or represented X, or was just another stray white cat. Instead of
enriching the narrative, these ambiguities distract.  There needs to
be something, however, to pin down the end--as one editor points out,
"the ending doesn't resolve the conflicts of the story--the warlocks'
plans (they can try again next time, right?) or the witch's need to
find an apprentice." Conflicts don't necessarily have to resolve
neatly, but the story needs to wind up to at least an emotional
conclusion--that's why the distance from Marfa's POV at the end is a
little frustrating. 

Runner Up, fantasy: FEVER--Posting 5 by Joshua Palmatier

We continue to enjoy reading this novel, although on a sentence by
sentence level, this chapter needs attention. "He turned his arms,
revealing abrasions from the pavement" could be reworked--something
like "He held up his arms. They were scraped raw." is a lot more
immediate and visual. A few sentences later, "The rest of the group
had gathered around us, a girl with two long pigtails tied with cloth
at the front" is grammatically tangled. It should be "...around us, at
the front, a girl with two long pigtails tied with cloth." Later on,
in a description of the same girl, Abigail, we get the same "two long
pigtails tied with cloth." Be careful of repetitions like this. Be
careful as well of contradictions like "In a voice leaden with
self-confidence, he muttered..." It's hard to picture someone
muttering confidently. And should that be "laden"? In the first page,
there's far too much description of the kids running around, and we
don't need to know that Rob glares at the man who has growled
something, but that the man has already turned away. Focus on
important, specific details and people, don't get bogged down with
making sure that you're describing everything and everyone. The
description of the parade goes on much too long. "Snow cone" should be
"Sno-cone." "Pealed out" should be "peeled out."  The sentence
beginning "But evening had arrived.." needs some reworking--one editor
suggests replacing "almost everyone" with "the onlookers," and points
out that as the sentence is now contructed, it seems unclear whether
the barbecue is being held to raise money for the fireworks, or
whether the fireworks are just something that will happen later in the
evening. Beware of repetitions--the narrator groans and then groans
again at the thought of food. One editor asks why "casual brown
slacks" seem out place--too dressy? Too casual? Several editors were
surprised that Dr. Mills's conversation with Mary Geary takes place in
front of the other people he has been talking with--it seems odd that
she would show her bruises in front of everyone. If she does, what are
all the other people doing while Avery talks to her? Watching avidly?
Beverly probably says, "Don't you think I've tried?" and not "Don't
you think I haven't tried?" An editor points out that in the next
sentence, "turned away," "drifted away," and ""drifting out" are all
used--you probably want to rework this. In general, it was hard to
keep straight all the characters--partly because we don't yet know who
is important to the story and why; partly because they haven't really
been sketched in for us as individuals with quirks of personality,
motives, and distinguishing features. For example, who are Perry and
Margaret Volaire, and why are they important to the narrative? The
description of the great oak being struck by lightning is wonderful,
but Perry and Margaret are just more names of characters that we don't
really know (and we don't necessarily know that we're going to get to
know them better, if you know what we mean.) One editor noted that the
narrator's dream of Laura and the diner doesn't feel particularly
dreamlike--perhaps you could make it a bit stranger? The interaction
between Avery and Laura is nice, however, and so is the mounting
tension when Richard Angstrom enters the dream diner. One final query:
we're now a fair distance into this novel, and so far, nothing
particularly supernatural has occurred, and we're still being given
the same information about the history of the town and about Avery
Mills's history. The very first chapter gave us this much
backstory--now we're up to Chapter 5, and the same characters are
still hinting at the same old things. This dissipates suspense, rather
than building it. Let something happen, tell us new bits of old
secrets--and make it hotter, please. Describe people sweating at the
fireworks display, perspiration stains on dresses, the humidity, Avery
Mills's relief when the storm breaks and the air begins to move. In
his dream, the heavy heat of the diner is a nice touch, as is the
frigid air that blows across him when the door opens.  Maybe when he
wakes up, he can suddenly be lying in an icy patch of air--a possibly
supernatural cold spot.

Runner Up, fantasy: RAGNAROK! NOW WHAT? Ch. 1, Pt. 3 by Scott
Anderson

We thought that the combination of Old Norse gods and has-been
Mobsters at a private poker party was a good start for a novel (one
editor, after reading the other pieces of this chapter, felt that they
were not only less engaging, but unnecessary). None of the editors
liked the proposed title of this novel--it seemed jokey and awkward.
Although one editor liked the chapter title, others thought that it
was clever, but also a bit strained and distracting. It's not
necessarily a good idea to conjure up C.S. Lewis and Narnia, unless
you're actually planning to use them somehow. Some of the editors
found the switching back and forth between Loki and Iggy Campbell
confusingly handled--there doesn't seem to be any pattern to how/when
Iggy or Loki is used to refer to the character. We also found Little
Joey's dialect a little over the top. He sounds more like a Saturday
Night Live caricature than a character. There were some awkward
phrasings in this draft, such as "...Mr. Spina said with a portrait of
the Pope peering over his shoulder." When Iggy/Loki thinks that "The
hand was certainly a winner, so why bother?" it's not clear whether
he's referring to his own straight flush, or The Fish's hand. Look out
for references in sentences like "They knew how to dress." Who are
"they?" Women? Mobsters? Everyone? "Pulpy face" is an unusual and
nicely visual description, and the description of the "blood eagle
hit" is pleasantly gruesome. Loki's comparison of the orange shag
carpet of his present setting with the romance and glory of the past
is beautifully written, although references to "she" and "he" and
"his" when talking about sexual escapades is a bit confusing-- who is
the "she"?" The "he" that doesn't mind--is that Loki, or is Loki the
buddy, or is there a third partner? He felt her nail..." should
probably be "He felt her fingernail..." The sensual dislocations as
Loki tastes the Scotch and chocolate and music that Linda is offering
him is nicely handled--so is his wish that just once somebody would
play the Sex Pistols or Arlo Guthrie instead of Wagner (and ABBA). In
that same sentence, "their" should twice be replaced with "they're".
"Jet-died hair" should be "jet-dyed" instead, and that
sentence--"steely-eyed in his eggplant-colored jogging suit with his
jet-died hair" sounds a bit like you're describing an item in a J.
Crew catalog. The pacing of Mr. Spina and Loki's battle is exciting
and well-choreographed, and the description of Loki climbing up the
staircase of air, looking down on a "a crowded Jewish cemetery, a
briar of granite leafed with pebbles...the lights of
Manhattan...shimmering across the surface of the East River like
luminous bridges" is gorgeous. The last paragraph with its short
declarative sentences is also stylistically impressive--as Loki's
speed increases, so does the speed of the sentences, as does the sense
of danger and excitement, both for Loki and the reader. The last
sentence, "From his whipping cape flew drops of Mr. Spina's blood,"
slows us down again, bringing us back to the events of the
narrative--this is fantastic writing. As one editor notes, Loki is a
mercurial and not particularly sympathetic character (perhaps Linda
will prove more likeable?)--although it isn't necessary that Loki be
completely sympathetic, it does make it slightly more difficult for
the author to keep the reader engaged. 

Runner Up, science fiction: WEAR WHITE TONIGHT, Chapters 9-11 by
Lonnie Stanley

As one editor said, this chapter "is told in a professional, easy
style. Dialogue is convincing and natural. The protagonist, while not
exactly admirable, is a likeable character who soon earned my sympathy
(though I questioned some of his more boneheaded decisions, as well as
his choice of friends.)" Other editors found the characters far less
appealing. One said, "It feels like a SFnal version of some recent
violent lowlife movies, and that doesn't really float my boat as a
reader. Many of the characters were not developed enough to seem real
and I didn't get much of a sense of the narrator's character in these
chapters." Another editor found the narrator, Larry Porter, a
particularly unlikeable character, perhaps intentionally so. "He seems
unrepentant after being involved in the death of several high school
students in a drunk driving accident, hangs out with coke
dealers/addicts, and seems to notice women primarily (and
dismissively) for their sexual characteristics--a particularly
unlikeable person, possibly intentionally so. Some readers might find
this narrator and narrative not only misanthropic but specifically
misogynistic." Editorial opinion remained divided as to SF content as
well: one editor was intrigued by the time-travel home carpentry
project, in which 4th-dimensional straight arcs of light cause objects
to shift in time and space; another editor felt that this was an
interesting idea but not "very grounded in science--or in need of more
explanation to feel realistic." This draft needs a going over, to make
sure that questions in dialogue end in question marks, and to take
care of awkward sentences like this one: "Out there alone, acutely
aware that Carcass was wandering loose somewhere on the planet, and
expecting retaliation some saw as inevitable, the sound was not
welcome." The sentence "A burst of laughter shot through Rodney and
blew powder off the mirror onto the floor" could be rewritten as
"Rodney laughed and blew powder off..." Rewriting all such sentences
will considerably strengthen the novel. It seems unbelievable that a
news reporter would describe city police vehicles as "parked at odd
angles throughout the parking area." Phrasing like "The word pendulous
was brought to mind" is awkward and passive--"came to mind" is better
than "was brought." By the way, Grover's Grove seems like a clever
reference to Grover's Mill, NJ in Orson Welles's "War of the Worlds"
radio broadcast. In Chapter Eleven, avoid repeating "hushed by thick
dust" over and over again.  One editor points out that the repetition
of "Rhnrhnrhn" makes the tires seem noisier, not more hushed.
"Gaghghghagh" doesn't work much better as a gagging noise. The
sentence "Unfortunately, the conversation turned immediately to me,
which was understandable, since no one, including apparently myself,
had any idea who I was," is ungainly--maybe a different take on the
punctuation would help. One editor wondered what Elliot's
"prostitution aid" was, and continued, "This section became as
believable and interesting as the two that preceded it--but...I felt
as if I was missing a lot and I couldn't quite be sure (especially
after the time jump) if it was due to not having read the preceding
eight chapters or because the author wanted it that way." Another
editor, after reading all 11 chapters, was still somewhat adrift.
Overall, these chapters have a great deal of imaginative energy, which
is engaging, even when the narrator, Larry Porter, is less so.

Runner Up, science fiction: THAT WHICH IS HUMAN, Part 5: Homecoming by
Bruce Davis

We continue to enjoy the mix of convincing military details and
character in this novel. In this chapter, the balance seemed more
heavily weighted towards character.  "Good opening (although I hate
having all those numbers and decimals thrown at me right away)," said
one editor. We did wonder why Mac's "pang of longing and recognition"
is an illusion. What is the illusion? Recognition? His longing?
Sometimes when one is closest to home, the longing for home is most
acute.  Most of the editors again wondered if we would ever be given
any explanation why all the soldiers are male--there are wives and
children waiting for them to touch down, but no husbands waiting? No
female Marines? It would also be terrific if we found out a little
more about the Rilz--we only find out vague secondhand information
about them. No news footage with images of them? No quotes from their
attempt to negotiate? By this point in the novel, even if we haven't
met a Rilz, we should know what one looks like, smells like, sounds
like, etc.  One editor wondered if "the brass plate next to Ivan's cup
really says Lt. Arkady 'Ivan' Ivchenko." In general, be careful of
repeating real names/nicknames after we've already learned them--use
one or the other. One editor mentions being taken off guard by the
sentence "As he turned, a dark haired missile launched itself from the
crowd and wrapped itself around him." The editor says, "This is the
sort of language usually reserved for describing the greeting one
receives from a pet or small child, not a full grown woman." Watch
repetition, too: "Cold fingers in his brain" and "cold fingers in his
soul" turn up on the same page.  While the writing throughout was
professional, most of the interactions between Mac and Linda came
perilously close to predictable.  We knew that Linda wouldn't show up
at the awards ceremony, and that Mac wouldn't be able to find anything
to say when Linda starts a fight with him. The professor who picks a
fight with Mac over the Rilz seems straight out of Central Casting,
and when Linda says that she'll find her own ride home, we aren't at
all surprised. Try to pin down one or two things about these
characters that make them seem fresh and real. Linda's clothes are
bright and soft and feminine--that isn't specific enough. Does she
like to wear red even though it doesn't look good on her? Does she
come home tasting like salt (from swimming with the dolphins)? Do she
and Mac have pet jokes? Does Mac like to cook for her? The details
about military life are terrifically specific--apply that same careful
attention to characters, and you'll win the hearts of the Editorial
Board. 

Runner Up, short story: THE EGYPTIAN BOOK OF THE DEAD by Chelsea Polk

We liked this story a lot. The prose style was mirror-polished, which
is extremely appropriate for a story which is mostly about people
watching other people. Similes like "I loved watching Charenton Below.
It's like Mardi Gras down there--if you dumped a bucket of soot on all
the celebrants" were sharp and funny. The description of the
"latelies--'only lately Gothic" was also wonderful, although we did
wonder a bit if anything in their attire identified them as latelies,
or were they just new to the narrator? This is an extremely visual
story; one editor says, "I didn't actually count, but there seemed to
be at least a dozen verbs like "look" or "watch" or "see" on every
page--sometimes in each paragraph! If the author could comment in some
way on this community's (and humanity's!) obsession with visual beauty
and with watching, rather than doing, this would be a very rich story.
 I don't think it's quite there yet." There was some editorial
confusion over the "lately" with all the arm jewelry and
Jenna--presumably, the narrator looks for the "lately" and then sees
Jenna.  It wasn't quite clear. The narrator's name could also be
mentioned a bit sooner. In general, these are Martha-Stewart
decorative Goths.  Drape them over your furniture--they're trendy this
year! None of them seem to have real jobs, or personalities, as
opposed to "personas." They drink trendy specialty drinks, fall in
love ornamentally, and throw really good parties. But what does
Thaddeus do for a living? Jenna has inherited money, but what occupies
her time when she isn't throwing parties or painting her loved ones
into eternity? Where did she learn to play the piano? Unless we get
some specifics, piano playing and painting seem more like fashion
accessories than real talents. When Thaddeus and Eshva meet in the
club, Thaddeus says, "I didn't shout.  She didn't need to hear me."
One editor asks, "Why not? Is she deaf as well as mute, and a skilled
lipreader? If I'm being a bit picky here, it's because in my Other
Life I work as a Sign Language Interpreter for the Deaf...I found
[Eshva's] method of communication a tad dubious--'She communicates
through her body; an uncanny language that speaks in gestures one
understands intuitively.' Very romantic and evocative, but how does
she order a Swiss cheese sandwich?" When Jenna plays the piano and
"people [nod and listen] to her play, shocked by their approval," who
is shocked and why? "Hermes Trigmestius" should be "Hermes
Trismegistus." Plot and character seems a little thin on the ground
sometimes (yes, you can substitute style instead, but not forever,
even if you're Dorian Gray): why does Jenna leave the photograph
albums just lying around where anyone can pick them up and notice that
she's hundreds of years old? Why exactly do she and Thaddeus fall in
love? Because they both appreciate beautiful things? Why does Jenna
leave? At the end, Eshva's death does seem suspicious--and yet, how is
it that Thaddeus turns out to be such a good painter? We needed to see
a little better that he loved Eshva (although the sentence "It seemed
we all loved her" is quite poignant) and if Thaddeus loved her too,
then how could he kill her? In the end, it seems less likely that
Thaddeus sacrificed Eshva in order to buy time to find Jenna, more
likely that he wanted to stay young and beautiful, eternally worthy of
being watched by others.

Runner Up, short story: DAWN BREAKS ON RAVEN'S JUNCTION by Julian Lim

We loved this story--the difficulty was that no one on the Editorial
Board  believed that it really was a story. It felt much more like the
beginning of a novel. It has hearty, novel-sized doses of character,
background, set-up, and plot. In fact, we would eat our hats if the
author could tack a satisfactorily story-sized ending onto this
section. But why bother trying? (Besides the pleasure of making us eat
our woolly winter hats?) If it looks like the beginning of a novel,
smells like the beginning of a novel, and tastes like the beginning of
a novel, trust us, it's a novel. We've read a few of them--sometimes
even paid money for the pleasure!  And if the author kept on writing
this one, it's possible someone would pay him some money. The writing
was literally magical. We were entranced by the strange details of
this world: the liquid-filled music box that sings in an almost
knowable language, the Dolorous Sea, the children of the Merchant
King's daughter with their parti-colored skin and eyes. The author has
a particular gift for names--Eddo's names for the workers on the other
shift, the names of the upper levels (CANDIED APPLE LEVEL,
FLAXEN-HAIRED BOY LEVEL, and CHERRY BLOSSOM LEVEL, where the leafless
trees put out sooty black flowers), the names of Garlic Town and Onion
Town, and the train names--Sooty Dog, Pretty Eunice. Raven's Junction,
and the Yard where convicts are sent and trains pass through carrying
mysterious cargoes, is a rich and strange enough setting, but when
Alice, the woman on Pretty Eunice, says that she thinks she has come
to find Eddo, we know that we'll be seeing a lot more of this world. 
Like a lot of journeys, it's just starting off in a train station. The
prose could be cleaned up a little--the port city is called
"Amartarine" and then "Amartine", and in "...beneath the omnipresent
din the most interesting noises presented themselves to the careful
observer...", "listener" might be better than "observer." "...the
worst criminals were exiled to the desert, their lives at the mercy of
the merciless barbarians and the even more merciless sand" was a nice,
dryly funny repetition. One editor felt that the setting seemed like
an oil rig, and not a particularly busy one at that--is second shift
particularly slow? The editor also found the mix of technology and
fantasy confusing, but another editor found it pleasingly reminiscent
of writers like Gene Wolfe and Jeffrey Ford. Write more!


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We list in each newsletter the names of people who have given useful,
insightful reviews that have been appreciated by the authors.  After
all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we want to give great
reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the workshop
community. If you've received a review you really appreciated and
would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer Honor Roll, just
e-mail the following information to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Reviewers: Various (see below)
Submission: THE FLAWED PROPHETS by Afifah Myra Muffaz
Author's comments: "Charles James, Roger Anderson, Scott Bakker--who
followed me from DROWW to OWW with their follow up reads of my
work--thanks so much for the support.  Margo Berendsen, Julian Lim,
Nora Fleischer, David McKeever, Rina Leigh, Jay Ferrin--new friends
I've met at OWW--thanks for reading TFP chapter by chapter like that.
It means a lot to me that people care."

Reviewers: Pen Hardy & Kishma Danielle
Submission: DEATHWATCH (and others) by Catherine Murphy.  
Author's comments: "For perserverance, honesty, effort--and off-line
follow-ups."

Reviewer: Joshua Palmatier 
Submission: THE EXILED EMPRESS by Larry West
Author's comments: "His review opened my eyes more than any other
about what had to be done to save the most problematical chapter in
this novel...He articulated, item by item, what I knew instinctively
(but had failed to confront) about this sprawling chapter.  His
comments forced me to confront structural errors as well as detailed
ones. I also have much praise for the way he dissected the chapter. 
He wrote an extended review that gave me what I needed to know, and
there isn't a nit in it!  I suggest that everyone read his review of
chapter 3 while you can.  It is a model for how to confront a writer
with his own mistakes."

| - - CONTEST/MARKET ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

"Vestal Review," a pro-paying quarterly e-zine for flash fiction, is 
edited by member Mark Budman.  (http://www.vestalreview.net)

VERY SHORT FICTION AWARD: Open to all writers, published and
unpublished. Held twice yearly, winter and summer. Story length must
not exceed 2000 words. (Word count needs to appear on first page of 
story.) Must be typed, double-spaced, and not previously published.
1st-place winner receives $1200, publication in Glimmer Train
Stories, and 20 copies of that issue. 2nd/3rd-place: $500/$300,
respectively. Reading fee is $10 per story. Winter (postmark) deadline
is January 31; summer (postmark) deadline is July 31.  For more
information including detailed submission requirements, write to
Glimmer Train Press, 710 SW Madison Street, Suite #504, Portland,
Oregon 97205.

| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!

(This is from the Warner Aspect press release:)
Karen Lowachee, a member of the original Del Rey OWW, has won the
Warner Aspect First Novel Contest (beating out almost 1,000 other
manuscripts)! The final selection was made by Tim Powers, winner of
the World Fantasy Award and the Philip K. Dick Award.  "WARCHILD is an
exciting find," said Betsy Mitchell, Editor-in-Chief of Warner Aspect.
"It reminds me of Orson Scott Card's ENDER'S GAME in its emotional
power and because it is a coming-of-age story, and the writing is very
accomplished. We're happy to welcome Karin Lowachee to the Aspect
list."  Ms. Lowachee cites Maureen McHugh, Guy Gavriel Kay, and C.J.
Cherryh as influences and favorite writers. She developed WARCHILD
with the help of critique from the members of an online writing
workshop. "They were instrumental in keeping me going," she says.
"Without the feedback, the novel wouldn't have happened, certainly not
in a year." WARCHILD is scheduled for publication in February 2002.

(And Karin says:)
"If it weren't for the critiquers at the workshop bludgeoning me to
keep writing, as well as offering such scathing commentary, I doubt
the experience would have been as helpful as it became. Their
relentless insistence on "improving" my work was responsible for many
sleepless nights, wherein I dreamed large scenarios of exacting
revenge upon their own hapless stories and chapters.  

"Now seriously...the workshop provided invaluable feedback as well as
a community of writers who were as dedicated to their own work as I was
to mine. I'm happy to say that I keep in touch with many of them still
and they continue to alternately praise and tear down my writing where
appropriate. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a better writer
for the experience of the workshop." 

Cecilia Dart-Thornton (Cecilia Thornton Egan)'s fantasy trilogy "The
Bitterbynde" will be published by Warner Aspect later this year. 
Cecilia was also a member of the original Del Rey OWW.  Chapters of
"The Bitterbynde" garnered an Editor's Choice in 1/00 and an EC
runner-up in 2/00.  Watch for the book in May!
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0446528323/o/qid=979747538/sr=8-2/ref=aps_sr_b_1_2/107-9084173-6628569)

Member Elizabeth August (Kathleen Ward)'s short horror story "Death's
Garden" is forthcoming in _Rogue's World_, a new semi-pro quarterly
webzine (http://www.specficworld.com/rgworlds.html).  She says her story has
been "fine-combed by so many helpful OWW members."

Member Mark Budman's short story "Mr. L.," adapted from the first
chapter of his novel MR. L. OF RED SQUARE (EC runner-up, 10/00),
appeared in issue 4 of _Exquisite Corpse_ and was nominated for the
prestigious Pushcart Prize. (http://www.corpse.org/issue_4/ficciones/budman.htm)

Member Charles Coleman Finlay has sold four poems titled "accidental
series" to pro-paying SF webzine _Strange Horizons._ They will appear 
in the February issue. (http://www.strangehorizons.com)

Member Jennifer de Guzman's short story "Remembrances of a Raven" is
online at Digital Catapult (http://www.digital-catapult.com).

Member Afifah Myra Muffaz's flash fiction piece "Kill" has been
accepted for an Electric Wine poetry chapbook 
(http://www.electricwine.com) and is scheduled for publication 
early this year.  Her story "Cherish" in the current issue of
Gothic.Net (http://www.gothic.net/archives/fiction/muffaz101.html) 
has the highest reader rating of their current stories.


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 1/20: 1605 
Number of submissions currently online: 900

Number of submissions in December: 191 
Number of reviews in December: 837 
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December: 4.38
Estimated average word count per review in December: 377

Number of submissions in January to date: 246
Number of reviews in January to date: 1116 
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January to date: 4.54
Estimated average word count per review in January to date: 370.1


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

POLL: YOUR OPINION WANTED

How can we best serve the interests of writers who want to form 
sub-groups, public or private, within our workshop?  Should we allow 
private groups (only members can view submissions) or only groups that
operate in public?  What functionality might we add that could help 
these groups form, operate, grow, and thrive?

Comments?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Let us know in the next few weeks
at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.


TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's 
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter.  Just send it to 
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.

See you next month!

The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|

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