O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, September 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Del Rey Digital Gallery Competition winners
Workshop Editorial Administrators up for awards
The workshop at WorldCon
The October Member Challenge
Just the FAQs
Want to promote the workshop on your own site?
New magazines our members are involved in
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for August submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prize
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured title for September/October:
THE VOYAGE OF THE JERLE SHANNARA: ANTRAX by Terry Brooks
In ILSE WITCH, a brave company of explorers led by the last Druid,
Walker Boh, traveled across unknown seas in search of an elusive
magic. Yet perhaps Boh and his crew were lured there for sinister,
unforeseen purposes...
Now in ANTRAX, as the airship Jerle Shannara is attacked by evil
forces, the Druid's protege Bek Rowe and his companions are pursued by
the mysterious Ilse Witch. Meanwhile, Boh is alone, caught in a dark
maze beneath the ruined city of Castledown, stalked by a hungry,
unseen enemy. For there is something alive in Castledown. Something
old beyond reckoning that covets the magic of Druids, elves, even the
Ilse Witch. Something that hunts men for its own designs...the spirit
Antrax.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345397665&view=excerpt
and read an author Q & A at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345397665&view=qa
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
DEL REY DIGITAL GALLERY COMPETITION WINNERS!
During the month of August, workshop members and other readers picked
two workshop novels--one SF and one fantasy--that won the offer of a
Del Rey e-book contract. The peoples' choices for this first Gallery
competition were:
THE STONE MAIDEN by Anne Aguirre (fantasy novel)
SHEAVES by Kate Bachus (SF novel)
Second place went to:
KYLADA by Penelope Hardy (fantasy novel)
SNOWDANCER by T.K. Thorne (SF novel)
Second-place winners will receive all the books published by Del Rey in
the month of August.
Congratulations to everyone who entered the competition, and thanks to
all of you who helped pick the winners by rating the entries!
The next Gallery competition will be held in February.
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ebooks
WORKSHOP EDITORIAL ADMINISTRATORS UP FOR AWARDS
The workshop has two editorial administrators, who first select the
nine Editors' Choice nominees each month and then participate in the
final reviewing and ranking along with the rest of the Editorial
Board. We are lucky enough to have award-winning writers Kelly Link
and Nalo Hopkinson working with us in this capacity, and we're pleased
to announce that they are both on the short list for the 2001 World
Fantasy Award (to be announced in early November): Kelly for her
story "Shoe and Marriage" and Nalo for the anthology she's edited,
WHISPERS FROM THE COTTON TREE ROOT: CARIBBEAN FABULIST FICTION. Cross
your fingers for them! (The entire ballot can be found here:
http://www.2001worldfantasyconvention.com/wfc2001-13.htm )
THE WORKSHOP AT WORLDCON
Earlier this month the Online Writing Workshops staff attended
WorldCon, the World Science Fiction and Fantasy convention (held Labor
Day weekend in Philadelphia). We shared with some of you the
excitement of meeting workshoppers in person for the first time, and
we promoted our workshops via a special-interest group, participation
on panels, and handing out lots of flyers and brochures. Not to
mention doughnuts, free books, and "Workshop member since [year]"
stickers. Many workshoppers hung out and went out together, and our
very own Charlie Finlay (help-desk guru and OWW's Third Brain) was one
of the professionals who contributed their time (and normal sleep
hours) to the in-person science-fiction workshop held by WorldCon each
year. Next year in San Jose we plan to do even more to promote, and
to celebrate, what we've got going here!
THE OCTOBER MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The September challenge is non-standard formats (like journal
entries, letters, grocery lists, etc.); the October challenge is to
write a story from the antagonist's point of view. For rules and
how-to information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Non-Standard Format
Challenge" in your title so other challenge participants can find it,
and give at least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as
you can). Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the
challenge entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in
charge. For more information and to participate in choosing the
challenge topics, join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
JUST THE FAQs
The writing-discussion mailing list for workshop members has its own FAQs
(Frequently Asked Questions files). The basic FAQ can be found at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing/files/OWW%20SFF-Writing%20List%20FAQ
or at http://www.digitalphotosystem.com/Tales/drowwfaq.htm
The member-written FAQ that can fill you in on the highly-evolved and
acronym-filled culture of the writing mailing list can be found at
http://www.digitalphotosystem.com/Tales/faq.htm
WANT TO PROMOTE THE WORKSHOP ON YOUR OWN SITE?
If you have your own Web site and want to proclaim your workshop
affiliation, feel free to use one of our banners or smaller
promotional graphics on your site instead of just a text link. Find
them at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/art/promotion
NEW MAGAZINES OUR MEMBERS ARE INVOLVED IN
Some of our members are editors as well as authors. Here's
information on their new publications.
_Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_ is a new bimonthly Speculative
Fiction magazine. Starting October 1, the magazine is looking for
stories (to 10,000 words), poetry, line drawings and even non-fiction
articles. We will accept SF, Fantasy and Horror pieces, with a
preference for "fun" rather than grim-and-gritty. The first issue is
scheduled for launch June 7th, 2002, at the Convergence SF Convention.
Payment is up to 3 cents per word (Australian), with a $20 minimum per
piece. E-mail submissions to submissions@andromedaspaceways.com as an
attached RTF.
_Pleiades_ was a recent recipient of the Pushcart Prize for best
American small-press magazine. It's now reading for the next issue
and one of the associate editors (who is also a member here) says, "We
have lots to read through already, but I have read stories from
several of you that are so much better than a lot of the things I
have been reading!" So for any of you who write literary short
stories as well as genre stuff, guidelines can be found at
http://www.cmsu.edu/englphil/pleiades.html
And there's also _Ideomancer_, which has recently undergone a change
of ownership and management and is fully stocked with workshop members
in almost all editorial slots. Check it out: http://www.ideomancer.com
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com and works the same
way as this workshop. You'll need to create a separate membership
for that workshop; your member ID and password from this workshop
will not get you in there. (But you can choose the same ID and
password there as here, if you like.)
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Note from the editorial administrators: There were many really well
written and compelling entries this month. Also, none of the short
stories really feels like a short story! All could be the bases for
something more.
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: MY RIGHT ARM by
Angela Boord
Nice opener that manages to tell us something about the narrator and
even more about the world in which she lives. Many nicely constructed
passages throughout. The writing is professional, the pacing
appropriate. Sensory details are particularly good: lots of scents,
sights, and textures here. Generally very well written and
descriptive. The writing is sure-handed and feels appropriate to the
period, though we're not sure why it's fantasy.
We like the narrator's voice. One of us remembers reading much of this
piece before, when it was an Editor's Choice last fall, and thinks it
was a good idea to give it its own chapter, though it seems to stop
short of the climactic event to which the chapter title ("The Chopping
Block") refers. He's curious to see when you intend to include this
chilling scene.
The author asked about Cassis's character, and it's true that his
nastiness is pretty much only apparent because you tell us so. Even
his wanting to make out with the young girl is pretty normal for a guy
his age.
A few small points: Is it Saian or Saien? Each spelling appears once
in this chapter. These two sentences should be combined to form a
single clearer version: "That evening there was a dinner in the
courtyard for Cassis and his men, but I wasn't allowed to attend it.
Hospitality demanded a dinner and I went early to my rooms to prepare
for it."
That's about it. Numerous fine passages, an engaging protagonist, and
a plot that would keep us reading.
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: GARDEN by Jeff Stanley
Very interesting and different. Great opener--quickly establishes the
alien nature of this world. The sections dealing with Rian and the
stranger were well done, with a nice sense of alienness. Less so the
Dersi sections, which seemed much more prosaic and "normal" in
dialogue and interaction, and hence much less intriguing than the
other sections.
The concept of living inside the Ool is very cool. The effort you're
putting into the descriptions is well spent. A couple of notes: Three
arms? Nature seems to tend toward even numbers and/or a radial
arrangement for balance; is three a good idea? Will it seem like one
to the reader? Rian's comment about getting used to differences
seemed out of place.
We found some small lapses in the flow of the narrative. At the
beginning of the chapter, Rian is described as holding a glower in his
left hand, a sporelance in his right, and pressing his middle hand
against the bole of a tree. A few paragraphs later he firms "his grips
on lance and dagger and glower." Yet we've never been told he'd drawn
a dagger. Then Rian is bringing the stranger to his home base when
the ool appears: "He turned to the naked man, finding him staring at
his bound hands." But when did Rian bind his hands? And when the
worms attack, Rian feels them "burrowing through leather, skin,
crunching bone, slurping blood, devouring organs." Yet he survives
this horrific attack? Is it really that serious, or a bit of hyperbole
on the author's part? And finally, this: "He's daft, thought Rian.
Brain-dead. Either that or moronic." Yet the creature uses speech and
reacts to pain--so he's obviously not brain-dead.
Nicely alien scene when the stranger touches the point of Rian's
sporelance.
An intriguing chapter with some uneven writing; the Rian segments are
more compelling than the others. We'd read on to find out more about
Rian and the stranger. The author's insistence that the story is
"neither SF, F, or SF/F" is confusing, since this feels like SF for
the duration of the piece.
Editors' Choice, short story: AND RITES OF BLOOD by Chelsea Polk
Nice opening that gets us quickly into the story with vivid sounds,
sights and smells. Professional writing, with a good sense of pacing,
and a nice, dramatic transition from casual banter to dramatic hook.
It's got a good dramatic concept, too, but though eSiennh is a
sympathetic character, the shortness of the story makes it difficult
to develop enough of a connection with her to care a lot about her
fate. Tension builds nicely as the reader is led along, unsure of
exactly what will come next.
We noted many good passages, as in the creation story: "Then hJael
turned the pot the wrong way and Men came out--with their short lives
and their need to bend the land to their will."
Though it's an interesting way of doing it, some editors felt that
capitalizing the second letter of names (rather than the first) might
become rather tedious.
We hope a better title can be found than "Rites of Blood"--something
that resonates a bit more with the complexities woven into this tale.
Our major problem was with the ending. Slamming the door in our faces
just before the climactic scene seems like a cheap trick and is bound
to irritate readers. We need something satisfying, a real resolution
for eSiennh's dilemma, if not to the problem faced by her people.
Consider lengthening the story; a premise like this could support a
much longer treatment, maybe even novel length, provided you're
willing to give some thought to a way out of their bind and can come
up with some way to have your protagonist be instrumental in making it
happen. As it is, we're left with a main character who comes to a
huge moral decision and decides--what? The fact that she raises her
spear at the end seems to indicate that she's going to kill her best
friend. Or perhaps she's going to hurl the spear to the ground again.
We can't tell and have to be satisfied with what the author has to
show us...only we're not. Take the challenge and delve deeper into the
possibilities of this great premise!
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: A GODLESS SANCTUARY
by Afifah Myra Muffaz
Very interesting and well written, with a fascinating premise. The
author's wordcraft seems to have become stronger, too; previous
excerpts used beautiful language that made no sense in the context.
This excerpt exhibits less of that tendency.
Was there, in the previous chapter, a sense that the characters live
far from the city? There isn't that sense here--we only have a clue
because we are told.
There's some trouble with tenses throughout, particularly the past
pluperfect. Some examples: "Her father [had] painted her ceiling for
her fifteenth birthday. She [had] picked the colors herself."
"Sanctuary saw [should be _had seen_] it before, in a dream. . ." "The
last time he saw [should be _had seen_] her alive was during a storm."
"In the dream she [had] heard his thoughts. . ."
And we stumbled over some confusing passages, such as: "Her birthday
was two weeks ago. Her second dream had ended only a moment before."
Before what? Her birthday? The current moment? Also: "It was a day to
look into the sun, not school." Literally? This can cause severe
damage to one's eyes! Find a better comparison.
Rae's confrontation with Fay and her use of power on him is vivid and
exciting, only marred by more odd usage (it actually sounds like a
literal translation from another language): "Fay passed a fancy, that
if he died now..." and then "He passed a worry..."
Here are our line-level nitpicks. Rae is described as having crimson
hair like strands of blood. But if she wears it in "a tight little
bun," it's unlikely that Sanctuary would think of it in terms of
strands of blood.
". . .she strode purposefully toward Sanctuary, her pinhead stiletto
boots balanced with skill on the bumpy grass." Is it the grass that's
bumpy, or the ground beneath it? Wouldn't her pinhead stiletto heels
be sinking into the earth?
Sanctuary leaves her father "an indescribable mess of spaghetti."
Careful with using that adjective "indescribable." Why can't the mess
of spaghetti be described?
This is an interesting story that could benefit from tightening and
polishing. It's flawed by odd usage and careless mistakes which can
easily be repaired. We'd read on.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: HONEYSUCKLE SHADE by
R. Jay Driskill
A nice beginning. Compelling though uneven, with some wonderful
descriptions that covered all of the senses. There are a few eloquent
passages, but there are many more that seem labored and unconvincing.
The main problem, though, is the switching point of view. Settle on
one main POV character, and when you change to another, signal it with
a break in the text. You also need a break to show time passing,
e.g., after the snake is killed. And what does Zack know about the
"promises made in boyhood"? He is in boyhood, and he doesn't know
about the promises--he just makes 'em.
The two paragraphs in which we learn that the "fact that Earl was
black didn't register with Zack..." are heavy-handed and ring false. A
sentence later we're told that Zack isn't sure whether to refer to his
friend as "Black? Colored? Afro-American?" which shows that he's given
it some thought. One way to show that Zack attaches no special
significance to the color of Earl's skin would be by not mentioning it
except as a natural part of the story, i.e., when describing him as
you would any other character. These two paragraphs have the opposite
effect: by bending over backward to assure us that "Earl was just
cool," the author makes us see him only as a Different Character whom
the protagonist has condescended to accept.
Nice passage when we're told that the word "nigger" makes Zack feel
"something like guilt for even hearing it spoken out loud."
"The memory of that day--March 24, 1980--that stood out the most for
Zack was of Emmet Dobbins. . ." Introducing the date in the middle of
the chapter is also jarring. Introduce it at the beginning or not at
all. Plus, we're never told that Zack actually saw Emmet Dobbins. The
next section of the story seems completely separate and doesn't
mention our protagonist.
We found small grammatical errors and awkward turns of phrase
throughout. Also, use asterisks, octothorpes (#), extra spaces, or
some other method to clearly indicate when a new section is beginning.
It's very jarring otherwise!
Now for two nitpicks: The mailman is putting mail into the boxes with
his left arm. Shouldn't it be his right? Zack notices the bumper
stickers on the mailman's car: ". . .the one on the left read "M ILM N
DEL V R!" with clods of red mud obscuring the mysterious missing
letters." We get what the sticker is supposed to say, and presumably
Zack does too, and "mysterious" makes more of it than should be there.
We were intrigued by the increasingly threatening atmosphere at Round
Pond, but the awkward writing made it difficult going. This could be a
really compelling read, but it needs work.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: THE TRANSFINITE
ARCANUM by James Thomson
Terrific imagery and a terrific pace! The writer's clearly trying to
stretch his wordcraft; bravo. The opening hook is a good one and the
action yanks us into the story right away. The piece would have been
even stronger if:
a) There was a greater sense of an overarching story.
b) There weren't parts that seemed purely for effect, and that
sometimes interrupted the central story.
c) We had an idea of why this was classified as science fiction.
The following is awkwardly phrased: "A shop window to his left turned
white and fell in a glittering waterfall. 'P.E. Wombly and Sons.' The
words dissolved into a shimmering chaos as the window crumpled."
Sentence one tells us that the window was smashed into many pieces.
Sentence two tells us what was written on the window. Sentence three
tells us that the window was smashed into many pieces. It's a nice
image, but needs to be reordered to make chronological sense.
It seems a bit much when the protagonist imagines "the possibility of
sons, large, ill-tempered and well-armed," and individuals matching
that exact description appear a few paragraphs later. This was also a
little excessive: "Her face was hidden by her hood, and yet her eyes
looked shocked as he slit her throat."
The rules of pluralizing a word don't apply to names: The Wombly
family should be referred to as the Womblys, not the Womblies. And
the euphemisms "old feller" and "Willy" seemed jarring and slowed me
down the rapid-fire action.
What effect does mercury have on human tissue? The protagonist dips
his hands into a vat of it and it burns his wounds. Are there any
aftereffects? He is able to "hurtle a gob" of it at the door. Is this
possible? When it fragments into tiny droplets and strikes his
pursuer, the man "fell without a sound." Why? And wouldn't the
bullet's force redirect some or all of the mercury as it breaks up?
The ending was horrific, but unexpected, as the nude man seems to have
been fatally wounded. If he really feels the bullet "plough a bloody
furrow through his organs, then rebound off the back of his ribs and
carve a second channel," we don't expect him to survive such a wound,
and so when he has the wherewithal to smile and enjoy the dawn and
feel "so very much alive" we need a bit of reassurance that we weren't
wrong about his imminent death. We weren't, were we?
Exciting and intriguing. The action is nonstop in this chapter, and
we'd read on, and hope to find some slower, more reasoned explanations
for what we'd just been through. We're unsure what it's all about.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: SOUL SURVIVERS
by Mark Sutton
The writing here is nicely stylish at times, though the extensive
information on the first couple of pages could be woven in later, to
seem less like an info dump. Pap is the more interesting character at
first--and you're going to have to be very careful that he doesn't
turn unlikable. You need him (or someone) as a key, sympathetic
character. Also, do you mean to spell "Survivers" that way, or should
it be "Survivors"?
The narrator uses a dialect which is sometimes unclear. Is "piss and
sugar" a common description for an attitude, or a reference to "piss
and vinegar"? Are we supposed to recognize its meaning?
We suggest that you abandon "makeyourownlistputithere," which
immediately jars the reader out of the first paragraph.
We found a few things unclear: "The world didn't die from pestilence,
even though drugs acted as a qualifier." ? The passage that begins
"Death, he liked to vacation New York at one time..." is atmospheric,
but also doesn't make a lot of sense. And this is overly cutesy: "You
see, Earth's leaders spent too much time frigging their genitalia."
There is a reference problem with the following section: "In fact, as
old and crippled as the old man looked, he turned his full attention
back to his kill and observed the skin of the back of 'Fluffy' blister
and peel itself off the tasty red muscle...puddle of goo." "He"
refers to Pap, which isn't obvious at first reading. "Fluffy" is more
inappropriate cutesiness and the puddle of goo is gratuitously gross.
"Pap knew how babies were made, but he definitely didn't understand
how positioning something over your pee-pee could stop it from
happening." So does he know how babies are made or not? If he really
did, he would understand how barrier methods of contraception work.
There's some interesting writing here, but at the moment the dialect
is uneven, the phrasing sloppy and the characters distant. You don't
have to have any characters who are uniformly appealing, but you're
more likely to keep your readers interested if we can relate to them
in some way, whether for positive traits or negative ones. Think of
ways to make us care what happens to Pap, to Baby Sister, or to Momma
Cola, who routinely killed her guests.
Runner Up, short story: A STORY OF CHRISTMAS, Part 1 by Ruth Nestvold
An interesting premise with a nice opening, but the story got bogged
down in the conceptual material, especially the linguistics. Didn't
really seem as if it had much of a dramatic hinge. The story was
reminiscent of Ursula K. Le Guin stories of this type. The excerpts
from planetary catalogues, scientific field notes, and native creation
myths all worked to great effect for Le Guin, and they can do the same
here if the author has a strong enough story.
Beautiful description of the arc of rings and their attendant moons at
sunset, and "The Legend of the Three Moons" is very well done.
We're told that on Christmas "the human population had made some
adjustments for life there, most obviously in the prominent flaps of
skin between their fingers." Made some adjustments how? Through
purposeful genetic manipulation, or through some sort of natural
selection? And what is the purpose of those adjustments?
Dialogue and personal interactions are often awkward; here's one
example. When Toni steps off the shuttle she asks, "what's that
smell?" and Sam replies that he can't remember the explanation for it.
The geologist then "stepped forward to introduce himself, shaking his
head. "'Somehow, when you're expert enough in your field to make it to
first contact team, you're an idiot in everything else, don't you
think?' He shook hands with Toni." Irving's comments seem meant to be
wryly amusing, yet they come across as insulting. And how does not
understanding what one would assume is a complicated chemical reaction
make anyone an idiot? Other examples: the rapport between Toni and
Sam, and Toni's instant liking for the exobiologist, seem too sudden
and don't ring true.
Toni constantly thinks of "the execution vid." Is this foreshadowing?
We start to notice it...perhaps too much.
Quibbles: "As a result of the long seasons, much of the interior of
the continent is hostile." Do long seasons automatically produce an
inhospitable climate? Also, is it important that the Mejan show no
impulse to raise their buildings "higher than the ground beneath their
feet," despite occasional flooding? You've set it up to be. And Toni
keeps referring to the planet as either Sgr 132-3 or Christmas. Don't
its inhabitants have a name for it, and wouldn't a linguist be
sensitive to using native nomenclature?
Also, don't forget to do a spelling and grammar check!
All in all an intriguing beginning to what feels like a much longer
work. I agree with the author that she needs to find a better title.
We'd read on, hoping the pace picks up.
Runner Up, short story: VICTORY'S TEARS by Mike Garner
A unique and attention-grabbing opening, with well-crafted characters,
especially Very Foot. You've developed an interesting post-holocaust
concept without hint of a lecture. Terrific pace, and an excellent use
of the sense of smell! We liked the "folktale" feel of the beginning,
though it was lost somewhat during the horrific chase.
Some nitpicks: It was difficult to believe that fifteen bobwhite hens
would remain quietly sleeping inside the hem of Very Foot's cloak,
especially after he's lifted the cloak and turned in a circle. Are
they perhaps drugged?
"Very Foot bowed[,] but before he could speak the little girl
interrupted." If he hadn't spoken yet, she couldn't very well be
interrupting.
When Very Foot displays his covey of grouse, the watchman knocks them
from his hand and announces that they are rotten. Then apparently he
only takes some of them, allowing Very Foot to bring the rest in with
him. This needs to be spelled out, as we assumed the watchman had
taken all the birds and were therefore surprised when more seemed to
appear later.
Very Foot tells Polly: "Your momma was low," and she realized she
"knew the word." Which word, and is this some sort of insult the dog
is supposed to comprehend? She hasn't seemed to have that sort of
intelligence.
We were surprised when the strikeflame turned out to be a flare. We'd
assumed all along they were talking about ordinary matches. Perhaps
something should be said about the size of the objects.
Lots of nice description, including: ". . .he encountered the dusty
tweak of cinnamon, the extended cloy of plastic, and the fatty mystery
of soap."
We loved the "ancestral tale" about Grandmother Three's method of
removing fleas! We're told she's his "many times great-grandmother,"
yet she had once commented to Very Foot that he wasn't human in the
eyes of the true humans. Had he really known her? This seems to
contradict the idea of an "ancestral tale."
There's a good sense of mounting danger as Very Foot realizes he's
being pursued, and nice work on the humans' dialogue. Polly's death
scene was actually quite moving.
We found this an interesting premise that's not developed far enough.
The world is fascinating and could stand much more exploration, and
the ending here is a bit unsatisfying. We'd much prefer to have
followed Very Foot home and gotten a glimpse of fox society than
returned to Gummy and Mince and their antics. Again, the ideas in this
story could easily support a novel, or a collection of interlinked
tales. We'd also urge the author to find a new title. "Victory's
Tears" just doesn't seem to match the story (or part of a story).
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We list in the Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop the people who
have given useful, insightful reviews that have been appreciated by
the authors. After all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we
want to give great reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the
workshop community. In the newsletter we list reviewer names and
submissions reviewed; on the site we also include comments from the
submission's author. (Most months we also award a prize to one or
more special reviewers.) If you've received a review you really
appreciated and would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer
Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination form at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's honor roll:
Steven Bratman, reviewing SILENT WEAPON by jl rae
Christiana Ellis, reviewing ESCHATOSALVE by Monica Chamaschuk
John Hoddy, reviewing THE RING OF CALBANNIN, Ch. 1: Beacon by Greg Byrne
Kevin Kirk, reviewing THE MOURNING TIME, Ch. 1: Tragedy by Trey Nix
Steve Miller, reviewing "Amnesia" by Eric Lynum
Al Nultemier, reviewing "The Escape" by Leah Tribolo
Amanda Licht, reviewing "Just Another Day at the Office" by Kim Merrill
Chelsea Polk, reviewing "Reality TM" by Steve Ramey
Steve Ramey, reviewing BLOOD ON THE ICE by Paul Munro
Michael Tresca, reviewing THE SEARCH FOR SUNFIRE Ch. 5, by Bonnie Anderson
Larry West, reviewing DRAGONSLAYERS NEVER DIE... by Michael Tresca
Larry West, reviewing TALES OF THE SEEKERS Ch. 11, by Laura Fischer
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts! ("DROWW" is the original Del
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.) The latest news is listed below. Our
complete online Hall of Fame is at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml
Pete Badzey's short story "Revenge of the Vegetable Gods" appears in
the August 2001 electronic edition of _Dragonlaugh_
(http://dragonlaugh.freeyellow.com). This is his first publication,
and he says, "I have to credit the workshop and my excellent reviewers
for helping me make it as good as it is. Thanks!"
John Borneman has had his short story "Out of Luck" accepted for
publication in the September issue of _Morbid Musings_, a new online
magazine (http://www.meghansmusings.com/borneman.html). He says, "This
humor/horror piece piece was written as a tongue-in-cheek poke at the
recent "Death Scene" Workshop Challenge."
James Chancellor's novel DADDY WHY'D YOU DO THIS has been accepted for
publication by e-publisher SynergEbooks (http://www.SynergEbooks.com).
Michael H. Fox has published his novel TOMORROWCHILD, part of which
went through the workshop, with iUniverse.com. He says, "Thank you
for the time you spent giving me the final critiques I needed and for
the encouragement."
Carol Hightshoe's romantic-fantasy story "Midnight Song" appears in
Denise Little's _Creature Fantastic_ anthology, published September
2001 by DAW Books. For more information see
www.geocities.com/klyssia/MSong.html
Marc Sanchez has had flash fiction piece "Death was a Bikini-Clad Goth
Chick" accepted by _Morbid Musings_
(http://www.meghansmusings.com/Morbid.html). He has also placed "The
Thing in the Lighthouse" with _Nightscapes: The Online Cthulhu Mythos
Magazine_ for publication in Issue #15 and placed "This is Life"
with _Shadow Keep_.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 7/20: 5695
Number of submissions currently online: 1781
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 64%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 1.7%
Number of submissions in August: 1026
Number of reviews in August: 3911
Ratio of reviews/submissions in August: 3.81
Estimated average word count per review in August: 371
Number of submissions in September to date: 527
Number of reviews in September to date: 2272
Ratio of reviews/submissions in September to date: 4.31
Estimated average word count per review in September to date: 374
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
POLL: Logging in
This week we're upgrading our log-in code so that the errors a few of
you have gotten will no longer rear their ugly heads. (Error 1064
should now be running scared.) So let us know if you encounter any
problems logging in, or changing your password or member information,
during the next few days. Send us mail at
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.
TIP: Writing the Novel Query Letter
This month we have a tip contributed by professional writer Moira
Allen, who is not only the author of the new book THE WRITER'S GUIDE
TO QUERIES, PITCHES AND PROPOSALS (Allworth Press, August 2001) but
also owner of Writing-World.com, a site for writers (with more than
200 articles and 500 links, plus a free biweekly newsletter). She's
let us use an excerpt from her new book as a tip on how to write a
query letter. Here's how her tip begins:
There is no specific "formula" for a winning novel query. Some writers
like to start off with a dramatic hook: "What if a nuclear explosion
leveled New York, and you were one of a handful of survivors?" Others
prefer a more straightforward approach: "I am seeking representation
for my 75,000-word mystery novel, Death Dines Out..." Whatever your
approach, however, a book query often addresses many of the same
questions as a periodical query, including:
1) Your reason for choosing this agent or publisher. Make sure the
recipient of your proposal knows that you selected them with care. If
you chose a publisher based on certain book titles, or an agent based
on authors that agent already represents, say so. This will
demonstrate that you've done some market research--which is the mark
of a professional. But don't "suck up" by telling a publisher how much
you love their books, or that you've named your first-born child after
the lead character in their most popular series.
2) The basics about your book. Make sure your query specifies the type
of book you've written (e.g., its genre), its length (word count), and
a working title....
Find the entire tip on the workshop site at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tips/allen.shtml
TIP: Creating Believable Characters
I'm still a humble newbie to the workshop, but already I'm gaining
insight and confidence by sharing with all the other writers. Like
me, they have probably all been scribbling stories from their heads
onto notebooks and computers since they learned to form letters with a
pencil. I would like to share MHO about making believable characters.
I scribble quite a bit of fan fiction in my private notebook of
story-bits. Has anyone else noticed how easy it is to write fan
fiction? The world is created for us. The characters are already
individuals with their own voices--again, all there for us to
manipulate. All the fan-fic writer has to do is make up a plot that
these characters in this world would be likely to fall into. Soooo
easy, and lots of fun.
When creating our own worlds, and our own characters, how can we get
to the same plane of skating through our story worrying only about
plot? My way is to profile people I know well--my friends, my family,
my coworkers. People I like and people I don't like. I then use
these already individual people as my guides for my characters (not
exact copies, mind you, but molds). I know what they would or
wouldn't say in any situation, and that makes my characters more real
when they have to interact with each other. Otherwise, all characters
speak with my voice, which makes for pretty boring conversations.
Emotion of my characters can be more interesting if I use my friends
and others as guides, also--I have a coworker who is the most
fascinating combination of tough and sensitive. She has the most
amazing willpower, and yet she is insecure about doing some things on
her own. This is what I want to capture for my readers.
(Tip contributed by member Kelly Schaub)
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
Visit our newsletter page [an error occurred while processing this directive]