O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF & F Newsletter, July 2002 W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com W | Become a better writer! | - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | - Workshop News: The latest member challenge Upcoming focus group on reviewing Worldcon 2002--San Jose, California "Tales of the Serendip" writing contest Membership payment information - Editors' Choices for June submissions - Reviewer Honor Roll - Publication Announcements - Workshop Statistics - Feedback: Tips from members (and others) | - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE Some core members of the workshop conduct a monthly writing challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and music. The July challenge is to write a speculative story or scene featuring a gay/lesbian character that approaches the idea in a new way. For the current rules and how-to information, see a page maintained by a member: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can. Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics, join the Writing discussion list (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing). UPCOMING FOCUS GROUP ON REVIEWING At the end of July, workshop admin Charles Coleman Finlay will be leading a focus group on reviewing skills. We will read advice on the subject, critique at least one actual story, and then analyze the critiques. The goal will be to help people identify and develop their own strengths as reviewers and recognize their weaknesses, rather than force everyone to fit into a single mold. If there is interest, we may rewrite the workshop's How-to-Review FAQ. The How to Review focus group will begin on Monday, July 29. To sign up, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-focus (although it may be a few more days until we can post the reading list and schedule). Any questions about the focus group can be sent to Charlie at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com. WORLDCON 2002--SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA Fresh from our Online Writing Workshops staff retreat, a.k.a. Readercon outside of Boston, we are gearing up to have lots of fun (and an official gathering of some sort) at Worldcon in California over Labor Day weekend. Please let us know if you are planning to attend Worldcon, and if only for a day or so tell us which day. Send your news to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com soon! Thanks. (More about Worldcon, August 29-Sept. 2: http://www.conjose.org) NEW "TALES OF THE SERENDIP" WRITING CONTEST From the Serendip, the virtual pub where OWW members and their characters hang out: Announcing a New Contest! "A Serendip Mystery" or "The Bartender Did It" or "Blood is Thicker Than Other Kinds of Gooey Stuff." The contest will gather a collection of tales set in the Serendip Pub using a creative combination of the Pub's stock characters as well as your own. Your task will be to create a mystery story based on a standard setup common to everyone. We will try to get some high powered published authors to help us judge the winner or winners. Our challenge is to take our common setup and vary it using the location of the Serendip Bar as our murder scene, with a few basic clues thrown in, just to make things a little more difficult. Beyond that, the sky's the limit. You may keep your characters in the bar, or you may leave and wander around Serendip*ity City. For details, see http://www.digitalphotosystem.com/contest/contest.htm (TALES OF THE SERENDIP (ISBN 0-595-22747-3), the first short story anthology written and edited by members of the Online Writing Workshop, is available via the Barnes and Noble Web site, iUniverse, Amazon.com and the Borders Web site.) MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi (www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S. dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services). Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves. Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee. For example, is the workshop worth a dollar a week to you? Award us a $12 bonus along with your membership fee. 25% of any bonus payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running! For more information: Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml Bonus payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml About our company: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml Price comparisons: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml | - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our Editorial Board. One from each category (SF chapter, F chapter, short story) is given a detailed review, meant to be educational for others as well as the author. Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and instructors Kelly Link and Nalo Hopkinson, or occasionally other writing pros. The reviews are published on the site and in the newsletter. Close contenders for EC will be listed here as runner-ups but won't get a review. To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews. Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors! Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THI'ALIDOR, Ch. 16, by Sharon Lee McGaw Sharon, you identified this chapter as a bridging chapter, and asked if it held our attention and furthered the plot and character development. I found that it did, particularly the opening section where Sabilla removes her bandages and has to confront her ruined face for the first time. It solves one of her problems, but at a terrible cost. That was quite effective. I also appreciated the scene between Parella and LaGina; the way that both women are shown to have both flaws and strengths, and that they have to acknowledge that humanity in each other so that they can work together. It makes the bond between them feel real and identifiable. One thing; a pet peeve of mine is grafting two separate words together as though they were one word, but leaving the capital letter in the middle. With a few exceptions, that's a logo, not an English language construction. "LaGina" struck me that way. Of course, in about another five years, everyone will be doing it, and I'll be outmoded, outnumbered and muttering irritably about how we did things properly when I was a girl. But for now, I wouldn't take the risk of irritating a slushpile reader who might have a similar hot button. Wouldn't "La Gina" work just as well? The scene between Meira and Ollie is more of an interlude in that not much happens, but I'd say that it too gives us a bit more about the characters. For one thing, it tells us that Lacilla (whose name is disconcertingly similar to Parella's) is not as in control as she seems to be, and perhaps there's a lot at stake for her, too. However, I did find that Meira and Ollie felt a tad bit too blase about their situation. Towards the end of that scene, you do a beautiful job of showing how nervous Ollie is, but up until then, although the two women _say_ that they're nervous, they don't act very nervous. I can understand them making light of their situation so as not to alarm each other further, but I wanted a little more. You'll see in my more specific comments below that I marked a place where Meira's actions reveal so little of her inner state that I'm a bit confused at first. Specific comments: I'm not sure about using an invented calendar to mark the days, to wit: "11th of Greydawn," etc. Mind you, I've not read all your chapters. Does "Greydawn" convey anything to us as readers? If not, do you need it there? If you want it, can you find some way to give us some sense of what the month or season of Greydawn is like? When we cite real seasons and months in writing, we might say something like, "it was one of those deadly still, steaming hot days of mid-August." Can you provide clues like that so that we have some idea what to picture with the months that you name? (Again, this may have been done quite adequately in earlier chapters.) "His voice sounded outside the washroom door." "Washroom" is too contemporary and culture-specific a word here. You use it a few times, and each time it sticks out. Watch out for a tendency you have to end questions with a period instead of a question mark. An example: "and how compliant do you think she'll be when she finds out the truth about you. " Why does Meira turn down the food that Ollie offers her and "just have tea"? Meira's just been half-starved in a dungeon for days. I'd imagine that she would want to take advantage of every opportunity to eat. I can picture that there might be reasons that she might not be interested in food--perhaps apprehension over what's going to happen to them has robbed her of her appetite-- but if something like that's the case, you need to give us some indication. You handle this better with Ollie, whose nervousness impels her to overeat; you have her explain why she's reacting the way she does. The contrast between their two reactions worked well. Meira doesn't need to spell out her own emotional state, necessarily. Something like this might work: "What was the king going to do to them? Meira thought of the dungeons; of the cold, probing hands of the servants. Her hands trembled as she held the teacup." I think that Meira under-reacted to having the servants grope her during the bath. Has her time in the dungeon made her perhaps begin to distance herself from the indignities she can't prevent from occurring? This is not a sentence: "the palace, the dungeon, the room, the people, each one of them overdone and combined she was overwhelmed, dwarfed into insignificance." It feels as though it needs some punctuation at the very least to make it make sense. And I'm not sure how to understand the word "overdone" in this context. "She wondered whether the Emperor always had this affect on everyone." That word should be "effect," not "affect." Webster's New Complete Dictionary defines "affect" as "to produce an effect on." So, you have to have an effect before it can affect anyone. Make any sense? Here's a mnemonic that might help: An AFFECT happens AFTER an effect. Generally, this is a well done bridging chapter that effectively uses three different but related mini-scenes in a way that gives texture to the story. It held my interest. --Nalo Hopkinson Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: CRYSTAL PALACE, Ch.s 1-3, by Bob Allen This feels like an interesting twist on the old "let's go back in time to the Civil War" story. I liked seeing that it dealt with the intersections of race, slavery and economics and how it brought the American North and South to war. I also enjoyed the use of Frederick Douglass's quotations; his words still resonate. There's a lot to discuss here, so I'll get straight to specifics: "The Liberian had a right to be irritated." Typo, and why is it capitalized? "Hudson nodded and carefully turned back the fragile pages to the yellow marker he had placed in the portfolio of papers..." if the pages are that fragile, the librarian might well be upset that Hudson has used a marker to keep his place. And if they are so fragile, they might not let people touch them; they might be on microfiche. (Can you tell that I spent nine years working in public libraries?) Two unwieldy sentences, one right after the other, that make for clunky reading. Try reading them aloud, and you may see what I mean: "Hudson nodded and carefully turned back the fragile pages to the yellow marker he had placed in the portfolio of papers from Memphis, Tennessee, inventor Jebediah Prescott's estate. Discovery of the cotton-picking machine diagram clearly dated 1850 marked the end of a three-week search that had taken Hudson into every public and private archive in the city." I suggest that you break those up into more sentences. I giggled at "white men can't jump/black men can't ski." But I lost sympathy for Hudson after the following exchange: "Maybe it's because I'm the most efficient grad student you've got. Not only is dinner ready, but the bags are packed, and your notes for tomorrow's lecture are transcribed. I even gave you a killer ending." "Good, I want to leave right after class. Taconic traffic is a bitch this time of year." "Hey! Aren't you going to ask what I wrote?" Okay, so Molly's his grad student. In other words, he's having sex with someone who's dependent on his goodwill for her grades, approval of her thesis, and therefore her future career. I know situations where this has worked out okay, but Hudson's on really shaky ground ethically right now. Then we find out that she's being his dogsbody, too; she's cooked for him, packed for him, and she, the person without an advanced degree or tenure, is writing bits of his paper for him, and he's taking the credit. He doesn't even really care what she wrote. Add all of that to the way he's just manipulated the librarian into working late, and you have an unsympathetic character. I'm finding it difficult to care about him. Even though it's clear that he cares about Molly, he doesn't seem charming; he seems like a user, perhaps particularly a user of women. Now, none of this is necessarily a bad thing; Hannibal Lecter was a sympathetic character, even though he tortured and ate people. Just be aware that you've set yourself a challenge by making Hudson the way he is. Some readers won't even notice, but for many of them, you're going to have to work hard to get us to know Hudson so well that we care about what happens to him, even if we don't like him. A thing to note when Hudson gets cold-cocked over the ear; people can easily die from that kind of head trauma; or, conversely, they may not go unconscious at all. If his assailants are smart and want him to live, they might come up with a more sure and less potentially deadly way of overpowering him. You talk twice about adrenaline "surging." I suggest that you find a couple of different ways to refer to it. The following sentence needs the word "had:" "A breeze from somewhere deep within the chamber stirred the ashes, filling him with hope that the muggers [HAD] left an exit door open." It's one of a few places where you use the wrong tense. I know that it's popular to tell writers that "had" is a "weak" word and should be avoided. That may be so, but don't avoid it if you need it in order to be using the correct tense. Nice writing: "The story of the candle's recent movement was written in the dust and melted wax on the table." What's Cosmoline? Can you use a more general descriptor that's not dependent on a brand name? I loved it that poor Hudson found a way to both empty his bladder and help his own quest to get out of that basement! There's some nice humor to this writing. Run-on sentence: "The moment he stepped inside, she fell into his muscular arms, her head barely reached his massive chest." When we meet Hudson's dad, I begin to have some understanding of Hudson, and a bit more sympathy for him. The flashback scene that shows their argument is a nice piece of character development, and it does a good job of telling us what the crux of the story will be. One thing, though; it feels quite didactic. It was a bit like trying to sit through a history lesson. I found myself wanting to skim the details and get back to the story. Yet it is important information for us to have. Is there any way that you can cut this flashback up into pieces and feed us bits of it throughout the novel, instead of in one big lump the way that it is now? All in all, this is a strong opening that perhaps tries to feed us too much history too soon. --Nalo Hopkinson Lots of good short stories this month! Runners up: "As a Hand Rules Heaven" Part 1, by Chelsea Polk; "Feather and Ring" by Ruth Nestvold; "Year of the Snake" by Steve Nagy; "Sea Change" by Celia Marsh; "Goodboy Rattie" by Mike Dumas; "Smart Hunting" by Bill O'Dea; "Elizabeth's Head" by Michael Keyton; "Closes Within a Dream" by P.J. Thompson; and "It Is Mine" by Satchin Savari. Editor's Choice, Short Story: THE PARTY DEVICE by Magda Knight This is a near-perfect story that perhaps begins a bit too slowly. It's full of great future detail: trends--the current trendy exotic pet is a manatee, the fashionable style of dress is nudity; the translation device that comes along with the drug; the kind of slurred/modified slang the characters speak is goofy, but works (deft use of dialogue throughout). The idea of someone being the head of Mass Consciousness Fun Industries is wonderfully silly, and so is the main character, Fielder Red's, job--manufacturing pop stars (like Budgie Bardo). The drug iD-hello is a terrific story device--"How you see is what you get," Fielder thinks--but this story is a lot stranger and better than a simple future-drug story, or even a future nostalgia story. The farther along we get, the less I knew what to expect, and the more delighted I was. The pirate bar is fabulous, and as a reader, it was so very nice to tag along with such a practical, easy-going protagonist: the scene in which Fielder tells the pirates that he's taken a drug, and should probably wait until it wears off to commit to any sort of adventure--"You know how things seem great, and then you say them--and they come out wrong."--is terrific and feels exactly right. Not to mention the pirate's very reasonable response: "Fair enough, bruv. It can wait." To quote a few wonderful bits from the club scene: "Can you keep the phone on? [the translation device says] I seem to have an insistent urge to hear the darkly melodic sounds of drum and bass." "Me too," said Fielder. "My feet are tingling." "Sounds too loud to be contained in mere beats dragged across his ears like wetted gravel...women danced like foxes." The very last line of the story is absolutely perfect. While a lot of writers try very hard to conclude a story by nailing down every last nail, tucking in each loose thread, tidying away anything that might complicate or make more complex the conclusion, stories like this one (and John Walsh's "Mr. Mac" from last month) are working on a much richer level. They're the equivalent of the drug that Fielder takes--we don't know exactly what they're going to do, or where the author is taking us, and that's a large part of the pleasure of reading them. A few small suggestions: The opening of the story isn't as tight or interesting as it could be. You might contemplate compressing things a bit more--perhaps you could have Sacchrin Promol calling at the same time as Fielder's manatee arrives--you could have the delivery team giving him info on care and feeding, Fielder simultaneously checking out the manatee, preparing to take the drug, and fending off Promol. And the idea of Fielder's trendily naked mom working away in the next room is great, but you should use her just a bit more. Maybe Fielder can suggest Promol invite his mom out--doesn't matter if she goes along with the suggestion or not, just make her slightly more prominent in the story. The comparison of the record sleeves to the wax things you make cakes on seems not quite futuristic enough, esp. considering that electric kettles are mysterious to Fielder, a bit later on. When Fielder finally manages to leave his lodgings, it isn't quite clear what happens--he steps out into a corridor, and suddenly he's outside? Does he live in a ground level flat, or in an apartment building? The description of the landscape he sees and smells is beautifully done, but at first I wasn't sure if he'd ever really left his apartment. Two small suggested cuts in brackets: The music came to a stop. Its absence was rich and musical [in its undertones.] A young boy approached Fielder [from the side, all], shaky and feral. (And move "shaky and feral" so that it comes after "young boy". Don't be discouraged if you have a hard time selling this story--try sending it to Ellen Datlow at Scifi.com, and then _Asimov's_. Good luck with it, and write more. --Kelly Link | - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little well-earned recognition! (Some months we also award a prize to a special reviewer.) If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination form--log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar month. The Honor Roll will show all July nominations beginning August 1. Some advance highlights from the July honor roll: Reviewer: Brian Dick Submission: "Intrepid" (crit for crit) by Sylvan Arrow Submitted by: Sylvan Arrow Nominator's Comments: This is exactly the sort of help I was looking for when I signed up for the workshop. Brian addressed the specific questions I listed in the comments section as well as giving his impressions. He also took the time to analyze the sentences that didn't quite work for him. Brian went beyond correcting grammar into suggesting ways to make the sentences stronger and/or more relevant to developing the story. Thanks, Brian. Reviewer: Margo Lerwill Submission: LIGHTNING STRUCK CH 1 (REVISED) by Neil Mason Submitted by: Neil Mason Nominator's Comments: Margo reviewed this piece the first time round, and carefully worked out for me the path of my wavering point of view. I had no idea that my POV wavered, or that this was a bad thing. Her care in doing that, and in several other very valid criticisms have helped me improve a lot. Here, in the revised version, where I have tried the same chapter from a different character's point of view in order to begin from the viewpoint of the protagonist, she has made very valid and pertinent comments on this POV change, and pointed out several other areas which need strengthening. Margo's comments are always very well considered, clearly expressed, and based on good commercial knowledge. She has helped me through several crits, and with e-mail chat off the site, to be a better writer. All nominations received in June can be still found through July 31 at: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml | - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | Three workshoppers received Honorable Mention in the Year's Best SF of 2001 anthology, edited by Gardner Dozois. The three stories are: "Underground," by Jennifer de Guzman, _Strange Horizons_ 3/26; "Footnotes," by Charles Coleman Finlay, August _F&SF_; and "Latency Time," by Ruth Nestvold, July _Asimov's_. In addition, Cecilia Dart-Thorton's novel THE ILL-MADE MUTE was mentioned as one of the notable first novels of the year. (OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link also had two stories on the Honorable Mention list: "Louise's Ghost," which won this year's Nebula Award, and "Sea, Ship, Mountain, Sky," co-authored with Gavin Grant.) Leah Bobet sold "With the Help of Your Good Hands" to _On Spec_. She says that anyone who critted it will remember it as "the one that put Shakespeare's Tempest, a Finite math problem, and the Odyssey in a blender with five other things." Jennifer de Guzman sold her story "Counterpoint" to _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com) for publication this fall. Mark Fewell sold his story "The King of Balloons," which was workshopped in our horror workshop, to _Hadrosaur Tales_ (http://www.hadrosaur.com) for publication in Issue #16, April 2003. Cathy Freeze's story "Duck Plucker" will appear this fall in _Fortean Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com). Cathy says, "Yay to all you great critters out there. Thanks for the help." Resident Editor Nalo Hopkinson's novel MIDNIGHT ROBBER has gotten an Honourable Mention in the 43rd Casa de las Americas Prize for Literature, in the section for Caribbean literature in English or creole (http://www.granma.cu/ingles/febrero02/6casa-i.html). (Nalo's latest book is a collection of short stories, SKIN FOLK.) Steve Nagy's feature on author Tad Williams and his new online serial novel SHADOWMARCH and other work is now online at the new webzine _MarsDust Online_ (http://www.marsdust.20m.com/people.htm). Marsha Sisolak sold her first story ever, a flash piece called "Staining Snow," to _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). She says, "Thanks to Sharon Lee McGaw, Charlie, Angela Boord, Celia Marsh, Stella Evans, Kim/Tempest, chance, Dena Landon, Wade Markham, Ruth Nestvold, and a few others for their critiques. I could never have done it without you all!" Tempest, a.k.a. Kimberley Bradford, sold "Elf Aware" to webzine _The Cafe Irreal_ (http://home.sprynet.com/~awhit/) under the pen name Finley Larkin. M. Thomas's fantasy story "Slaying the Dragon" will be published in the August edition of _Deep Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net). Mikal Trimm's short story "Cable and the Possible God" (workshopped with us) will appear in Issue #3 of _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_ (http://www.andromedaspaceways.com). This is Mikal's first print fiction sale! | - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | Number of members as of 7/20: 495 paying, 128 trial Number of submissions currently online: 853 Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 56.2% Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.2% Number of submissions in June: 473 Number of reviews in June: 2245 Ratio of reviews/submissions in June: 4.75 Estimated average word count per review in June: 548 Number of submissions in July to date: 328 Number of reviews in July to date: 1340 Ratio of reviews/submissions in July to date: 4.1 Estimated average word count per review in July to date: 564 | - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | TIPS APPRECIATED Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments, for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest. See you next month! The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com | - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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