O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF & F Newsletter, July 2002
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
The latest member challenge
Upcoming focus group on reviewing
Worldcon 2002--San Jose, California
"Tales of the Serendip" writing contest
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for June submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop conduct a monthly writing challenge,
open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a particular
topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and music. The
July challenge is to write a speculative story or scene featuring a
gay/lesbian character that approaches the idea in a new way. For the
current rules and how-to information, see a page maintained by a
member: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically,
just submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in
your title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at
least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can.
Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
UPCOMING FOCUS GROUP ON REVIEWING
At the end of July, workshop admin Charles Coleman Finlay will be
leading a focus group on reviewing skills. We will read advice on the
subject, critique at least one actual story, and then analyze the
critiques. The goal will be to help people identify and develop their
own strengths as reviewers and recognize their weaknesses, rather than
force everyone to fit into a single mold. If there is interest, we may
rewrite the workshop's How-to-Review FAQ.
The How to Review focus group will begin on Monday, July 29. To sign
up, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-focus (although it may
be a few more days until we can post the reading list and schedule).
Any questions about the focus group can be sent to Charlie at
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.
WORLDCON 2002--SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA
Fresh from our Online Writing Workshops staff retreat, a.k.a.
Readercon outside of Boston, we are gearing up to have lots of fun
(and an official gathering of some sort) at Worldcon in California
over Labor Day weekend. Please let us know if you are planning to
attend Worldcon, and if only for a day or so tell us which day. Send
your news to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com soon! Thanks.
(More about Worldcon, August 29-Sept. 2: http://www.conjose.org)
NEW "TALES OF THE SERENDIP" WRITING CONTEST
From the Serendip, the virtual pub where OWW members and their
characters hang out:
Announcing a New Contest! "A Serendip Mystery" or "The Bartender Did
It" or "Blood is Thicker Than Other Kinds of Gooey Stuff." The contest
will gather a collection of tales set in the Serendip Pub using a
creative combination of the Pub's stock characters as well as your
own. Your task will be to create a mystery story based on a standard
setup common to everyone. We will try to get some high powered
published authors to help us judge the winner or winners.
Our challenge is to take our common setup and vary it using the
location of the Serendip Bar as our murder scene, with a few basic
clues thrown in, just to make things a little more difficult. Beyond
that, the sky's the limit. You may keep your characters in the bar,
or you may leave and wander around Serendip*ity City. For details, see
http://www.digitalphotosystem.com/contest/contest.htm
(TALES OF THE SERENDIP (ISBN 0-595-22747-3), the first short story
anthology written and edited by members of the Online Writing
Workshop, is available via the Barnes and Noble Web site, iUniverse,
Amazon.com and the Borders Web site.)
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
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fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know
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your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth a dollar a week to you? Award us a
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personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen the
shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
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About our company: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Editorial Board. One from each category (SF chapter, F chapter,
short story) is given a detailed review, meant to be educational for
others as well as the author. Reviews are written by our Resident
Editors, award-winning authors and instructors Kelly Link and Nalo
Hopkinson, or occasionally other writing pros. The reviews are
published on the site and in the newsletter. Close contenders for EC
will be listed here as runner-ups but won't get a review.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THI'ALIDOR, Ch. 16,
by Sharon Lee McGaw
Sharon, you identified this chapter as a bridging chapter, and asked
if it held our attention and furthered the plot and character
development. I found that it did, particularly the opening section
where Sabilla removes her bandages and has to confront her ruined face
for the first time. It solves one of her problems, but at a terrible
cost. That was quite effective.
I also appreciated the scene between Parella and LaGina; the way that
both women are shown to have both flaws and strengths, and that they
have to acknowledge that humanity in each other so that they can work
together. It makes the bond between them feel real and identifiable.
One thing; a pet peeve of mine is grafting two separate words together
as though they were one word, but leaving the capital letter in the
middle. With a few exceptions, that's a logo, not an English language
construction. "LaGina" struck me that way. Of course, in about
another five years, everyone will be doing it, and I'll be outmoded,
outnumbered and muttering irritably about how we did things properly
when I was a girl. But for now, I wouldn't take the risk of irritating
a slushpile reader who might have a similar hot button. Wouldn't "La
Gina" work just as well?
The scene between Meira and Ollie is more of an interlude in that not
much happens, but I'd say that it too gives us a bit more about the
characters. For one thing, it tells us that Lacilla (whose name is
disconcertingly similar to Parella's) is not as in control as she
seems to be, and perhaps there's a lot at stake for her, too.
However, I did find that Meira and Ollie felt a tad bit too blase
about their situation. Towards the end of that scene, you do a
beautiful job of showing how nervous Ollie is, but up until then,
although the two women _say_ that they're nervous, they don't act very
nervous. I can understand them making light of their situation so as
not to alarm each other further, but I wanted a little more. You'll
see in my more specific comments below that I marked a place where
Meira's actions reveal so little of her inner state that I'm a bit
confused at first.
Specific comments: I'm not sure about using an invented calendar to
mark the days, to wit: "11th of Greydawn," etc. Mind you, I've not
read all your chapters. Does "Greydawn" convey anything to us as
readers? If not, do you need it there? If you want it, can you find
some way to give us some sense of what the month or season of Greydawn
is like? When we cite real seasons and months in writing, we might
say something like, "it was one of those deadly still, steaming hot
days of mid-August." Can you provide clues like that so that we have
some idea what to picture with the months that you name? (Again, this
may have been done quite adequately in earlier chapters.)
"His voice sounded outside the washroom door." "Washroom" is too
contemporary and culture-specific a word here. You use it a few
times, and each time it sticks out.
Watch out for a tendency you have to end questions with a period
instead of a question mark. An example: "and how compliant do you
think she'll be when she finds out the truth about you. "
Why does Meira turn down the food that Ollie offers her and "just have
tea"? Meira's just been half-starved in a dungeon for days. I'd
imagine that she would want to take advantage of every opportunity to
eat. I can picture that there might be reasons that she might not be
interested in food--perhaps apprehension over what's going to happen
to them has robbed her of her appetite-- but if something like that's
the case, you need to give us some indication. You handle this better
with Ollie, whose nervousness impels her to overeat; you have her
explain why she's reacting the way she does. The contrast between
their two reactions worked well. Meira doesn't need to spell out her
own emotional state, necessarily. Something like this might work:
"What was the king going to do to them? Meira thought of the dungeons;
of the cold, probing hands of the servants. Her hands trembled as she
held the teacup."
I think that Meira under-reacted to having the servants grope her
during the bath. Has her time in the dungeon made her perhaps begin
to distance herself from the indignities she can't prevent from
occurring?
This is not a sentence: "the palace, the dungeon, the room, the
people, each one of them overdone and combined she was overwhelmed,
dwarfed into insignificance." It feels as though it needs some
punctuation at the very least to make it make sense. And I'm not sure
how to understand the word "overdone" in this context.
"She wondered whether the Emperor always had this affect on everyone."
That word should be "effect," not "affect." Webster's New Complete
Dictionary defines "affect" as "to produce an effect on." So, you
have to have an effect before it can affect anyone. Make any sense?
Here's a mnemonic that might help: An AFFECT happens AFTER an effect.
Generally, this is a well done bridging chapter that effectively uses
three different but related mini-scenes in a way that gives texture to
the story. It held my interest.
--Nalo Hopkinson
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: CRYSTAL PALACE, Ch.s 1-3,
by Bob Allen
This feels like an interesting twist on the old "let's go back in time
to the Civil War" story. I liked seeing that it dealt with the
intersections of race, slavery and economics and how it brought the
American North and South to war. I also enjoyed the use of Frederick
Douglass's quotations; his words still resonate. There's a lot to
discuss here, so I'll get straight to specifics:
"The Liberian had a right to be irritated." Typo, and why is it
capitalized?
"Hudson nodded and carefully turned back the fragile pages to the
yellow marker he had placed in the portfolio of papers..." if the
pages are that fragile, the librarian might well be upset that Hudson
has used a marker to keep his place. And if they are so fragile, they
might not let people touch them; they might be on microfiche. (Can
you tell that I spent nine years working in public libraries?)
Two unwieldy sentences, one right after the other, that make for
clunky reading. Try reading them aloud, and you may see what I mean:
"Hudson nodded and carefully turned back the fragile pages to the
yellow marker he had placed in the portfolio of papers from Memphis,
Tennessee, inventor Jebediah Prescott's estate. Discovery of the
cotton-picking machine diagram clearly dated 1850 marked the end of a
three-week search that had taken Hudson into every public and private
archive in the city." I suggest that you break those up into more
sentences.
I giggled at "white men can't jump/black men can't ski." But I lost
sympathy for Hudson after the following exchange:
"Maybe it's because I'm the most efficient grad student you've got.
Not only is dinner ready, but the bags are packed, and your notes for
tomorrow's lecture are transcribed. I even gave you a killer ending."
"Good, I want to leave right after class. Taconic traffic is a bitch
this time of year." "Hey! Aren't you going to ask what I wrote?"
Okay, so Molly's his grad student. In other words, he's having sex
with someone who's dependent on his goodwill for her grades, approval
of her thesis, and therefore her future career. I know situations
where this has worked out okay, but Hudson's on really shaky ground
ethically right now. Then we find out that she's being his dogsbody,
too; she's cooked for him, packed for him, and she, the person without
an advanced degree or tenure, is writing bits of his paper for him,
and he's taking the credit. He doesn't even really care what she
wrote. Add all of that to the way he's just manipulated the librarian
into working late, and you have an unsympathetic character. I'm
finding it difficult to care about him. Even though it's clear that
he cares about Molly, he doesn't seem charming; he seems like a user,
perhaps particularly a user of women. Now, none of this is
necessarily a bad thing; Hannibal Lecter was a sympathetic character,
even though he tortured and ate people. Just be aware that you've set
yourself a challenge by making Hudson the way he is. Some readers
won't even notice, but for many of them, you're going to have to work
hard to get us to know Hudson so well that we care about what happens
to him, even if we don't like him.
A thing to note when Hudson gets cold-cocked over the ear; people can
easily die from that kind of head trauma; or, conversely, they may not
go unconscious at all. If his assailants are smart and want him to
live, they might come up with a more sure and less potentially deadly
way of overpowering him.
You talk twice about adrenaline "surging." I suggest that you find a
couple of different ways to refer to it.
The following sentence needs the word "had:" "A breeze from somewhere
deep within the chamber stirred the ashes, filling him with hope that
the muggers [HAD] left an exit door open." It's one of a few places
where you use the wrong tense. I know that it's popular to tell
writers that "had" is a "weak" word and should be avoided. That may
be so, but don't avoid it if you need it in order to be using the
correct tense.
Nice writing: "The story of the candle's recent movement was written
in the dust and melted wax on the table."
What's Cosmoline? Can you use a more general descriptor that's not
dependent on a brand name?
I loved it that poor Hudson found a way to both empty his bladder and
help his own quest to get out of that basement! There's some nice
humor to this writing.
Run-on sentence: "The moment he stepped inside, she fell into his
muscular arms, her head barely reached his massive chest."
When we meet Hudson's dad, I begin to have some understanding of
Hudson, and a bit more sympathy for him. The flashback scene that
shows their argument is a nice piece of character development, and it
does a good job of telling us what the crux of the story will be. One
thing, though; it feels quite didactic. It was a bit like trying to
sit through a history lesson. I found myself wanting to skim the
details and get back to the story. Yet it is important information
for us to have. Is there any way that you can cut this flashback up
into pieces and feed us bits of it throughout the novel, instead of in
one big lump the way that it is now?
All in all, this is a strong opening that perhaps tries to feed us too
much history too soon.
--Nalo Hopkinson
Lots of good short stories this month! Runners up: "As a Hand Rules
Heaven" Part 1, by Chelsea Polk; "Feather and Ring" by Ruth Nestvold;
"Year of the Snake" by Steve Nagy; "Sea Change" by Celia Marsh;
"Goodboy Rattie" by Mike Dumas; "Smart Hunting" by Bill O'Dea;
"Elizabeth's Head" by Michael Keyton; "Closes Within a Dream" by P.J.
Thompson; and "It Is Mine" by Satchin Savari.
Editor's Choice, Short Story: THE PARTY DEVICE by Magda Knight
This is a near-perfect story that perhaps begins a bit too slowly.
It's full of great future detail: trends--the current trendy exotic
pet is a manatee, the fashionable style of dress is nudity; the
translation device that comes along with the drug; the kind of
slurred/modified slang the characters speak is goofy, but works (deft
use of dialogue throughout). The idea of someone being the head of
Mass Consciousness Fun Industries is wonderfully silly, and so is the
main character, Fielder Red's, job--manufacturing pop stars (like
Budgie Bardo).
The drug iD-hello is a terrific story device--"How you see is what you
get," Fielder thinks--but this story is a lot stranger and better than
a simple future-drug story, or even a future nostalgia story. The
farther along we get, the less I knew what to expect, and the more
delighted I was. The pirate bar is fabulous, and as a reader, it was
so very nice to tag along with such a practical, easy-going
protagonist: the scene in which Fielder tells the pirates that he's
taken a drug, and should probably wait until it wears off to commit to
any sort of adventure--"You know how things seem great, and then you
say them--and they come out wrong."--is terrific and feels exactly
right. Not to mention the pirate's very reasonable response: "Fair
enough, bruv. It can wait."
To quote a few wonderful bits from the club scene:
"Can you keep the phone on? [the translation device says] I seem to
have an insistent urge to hear the darkly melodic sounds of drum and
bass." "Me too," said Fielder. "My feet are tingling."
"Sounds too loud to be contained in mere beats dragged across his ears
like wetted gravel...women danced like foxes."
The very last line of the story is absolutely perfect. While a lot of
writers try very hard to conclude a story by nailing down every last
nail, tucking in each loose thread, tidying away anything that might
complicate or make more complex the conclusion, stories like this one
(and John Walsh's "Mr. Mac" from last month) are working on a much
richer level. They're the equivalent of the drug that Fielder
takes--we don't know exactly what they're going to do, or where the
author is taking us, and that's a large part of the pleasure of
reading them.
A few small suggestions:
The opening of the story isn't as tight or interesting as it could be.
You might contemplate compressing things a bit more--perhaps you could
have Sacchrin Promol calling at the same time as Fielder's manatee
arrives--you could have the delivery team giving him info on care and
feeding, Fielder simultaneously checking out the manatee, preparing to
take the drug, and fending off Promol. And the idea of Fielder's
trendily naked mom working away in the next room is great, but you
should use her just a bit more. Maybe Fielder can suggest Promol
invite his mom out--doesn't matter if she goes along with the
suggestion or not, just make her slightly more prominent in the story.
The comparison of the record sleeves to the wax things you make cakes
on seems not quite futuristic enough, esp. considering that electric
kettles are mysterious to Fielder, a bit later on.
When Fielder finally manages to leave his lodgings, it isn't quite
clear what happens--he steps out into a corridor, and suddenly he's
outside? Does he live in a ground level flat, or in an apartment
building? The description of the landscape he sees and smells is
beautifully done, but at first I wasn't sure if he'd ever really left
his apartment.
Two small suggested cuts in brackets:
The music came to a stop. Its absence was rich and musical [in its
undertones.]
A young boy approached Fielder [from the side, all], shaky and feral.
(And move "shaky and feral" so that it comes after "young boy".
Don't be discouraged if you have a hard time selling this story--try
sending it to Ellen Datlow at Scifi.com, and then _Asimov's_. Good
luck with it, and write more.
--Kelly Link
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! (Some months we also award a prize to a
special reviewer.) If you got a really useful review and would like to
add the reviewer to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online
honor-roll nomination form--log in and link to it from the bottom of
the Reviewer Honor Roll page at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your nomination
will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all July nominations beginning August 1. Some
advance highlights from the July honor roll:
Reviewer: Brian Dick
Submission: "Intrepid" (crit for crit) by Sylvan Arrow
Submitted by: Sylvan Arrow
Nominator's Comments: This is exactly the sort of help I was looking
for when I signed up for the workshop. Brian addressed the specific
questions I listed in the comments section as well as giving his
impressions. He also took the time to analyze the sentences that
didn't quite work for him. Brian went beyond correcting grammar into
suggesting ways to make the sentences stronger and/or more relevant to
developing the story. Thanks, Brian.
Reviewer: Margo Lerwill
Submission: LIGHTNING STRUCK CH 1 (REVISED) by Neil Mason
Submitted by: Neil Mason
Nominator's Comments: Margo reviewed this piece the first time round,
and carefully worked out for me the path of my wavering point of view.
I had no idea that my POV wavered, or that this was a bad thing. Her
care in doing that, and in several other very valid criticisms have
helped me improve a lot. Here, in the revised version, where I have
tried the same chapter from a different character's point of view in
order to begin from the viewpoint of the protagonist, she has made
very valid and pertinent comments on this POV change, and pointed out
several other areas which need strengthening. Margo's comments are
always very well considered, clearly expressed, and based on good
commercial knowledge. She has helped me through several crits, and
with e-mail chat off the site, to be a better writer.
All nominations received in June can be still found through July 31 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Three workshoppers received Honorable Mention in the Year's Best SF of
2001 anthology, edited by Gardner Dozois. The three stories are:
"Underground," by Jennifer de Guzman, _Strange Horizons_ 3/26;
"Footnotes," by Charles Coleman Finlay, August _F&SF_; and "Latency
Time," by Ruth Nestvold, July _Asimov's_. In addition, Cecilia
Dart-Thorton's novel THE ILL-MADE MUTE was mentioned as one of the
notable first novels of the year. (OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link
also had two stories on the Honorable Mention list: "Louise's Ghost,"
which won this year's Nebula Award, and "Sea, Ship, Mountain, Sky,"
co-authored with Gavin Grant.)
Leah Bobet sold "With the Help of Your Good Hands" to _On Spec_. She
says that anyone who critted it will remember it as "the one that put
Shakespeare's Tempest, a Finite math problem, and the Odyssey in a
blender with five other things."
Jennifer de Guzman sold her story "Counterpoint" to _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) for publication this fall.
Mark Fewell sold his story "The King of Balloons," which was
workshopped in our horror workshop, to _Hadrosaur Tales_
(http://www.hadrosaur.com) for publication in Issue #16, April 2003.
Cathy Freeze's story "Duck Plucker" will appear this fall in _Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com). Cathy says, "Yay to all you
great critters out there. Thanks for the help."
Resident Editor Nalo Hopkinson's novel MIDNIGHT ROBBER has gotten an
Honourable Mention in the 43rd Casa de las Americas Prize for
Literature, in the section for Caribbean literature in English or
creole (http://www.granma.cu/ingles/febrero02/6casa-i.html). (Nalo's
latest book is a collection of short stories, SKIN FOLK.)
Steve Nagy's feature on author Tad Williams and his new online serial
novel SHADOWMARCH and other work is now online at the new webzine
_MarsDust Online_ (http://www.marsdust.20m.com/people.htm).
Marsha Sisolak sold her first story ever, a flash piece called
"Staining Snow," to _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). She
says, "Thanks to Sharon Lee McGaw, Charlie, Angela Boord, Celia Marsh,
Stella Evans, Kim/Tempest, chance, Dena Landon, Wade Markham, Ruth
Nestvold, and a few others for their critiques. I could never have
done it without you all!"
Tempest, a.k.a. Kimberley Bradford, sold "Elf Aware" to webzine _The
Cafe Irreal_ (http://home.sprynet.com/~awhit/) under the pen name
Finley Larkin.
M. Thomas's fantasy story "Slaying the Dragon" will be published in
the August edition of _Deep Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net).
Mikal Trimm's short story "Cable and the Possible God" (workshopped
with us) will appear in Issue #3 of _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight
Magazine_ (http://www.andromedaspaceways.com). This is Mikal's first
print fiction sale!
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 7/20: 495 paying, 128 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 853
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 56.2%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.2%
Number of submissions in June: 473
Number of reviews in June: 2245
Ratio of reviews/submissions in June: 4.75
Estimated average word count per review in June: 548
Number of submissions in July to date: 328
Number of reviews in July to date: 1340
Ratio of reviews/submissions in July to date: 4.1
Estimated average word count per review in July to date: 564
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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