O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF & F Newsletter, August 2002
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
New OWW logo and T-shirts
The latest member challenge
Worldcon 2002--San Jose, California
Future focus groups: call for topics
New print anthology seeking submissions
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for July submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
NEW OWW LOGO! AND OWW T-SHIRTS
Online Writing Workshops has a spiffy new logo! And we've got OWW
T-shirts for sale to celebrate. The shirts have the logo and workshop
name on the front, and workshop name and URL along with "Just Write!"
on the back. To see the new logo and shirt details:
http://www.onlinewritingworkshop.com/art/newlogo.html
Material: 100% cotton
Colors: white or light gray
Sizes: M, L, XL, XXL
Prices:
$16.50 if sent by U.S. mail to a U.S. address (4-5 days)
$14.50 if you want it delivered to you at Worldcon at our workshop
gathering (see below)
International shipping: cost varies; let us know where you are and we'll
quote you a price.
How to pay: PayPal or check
E-mail support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com to order one!
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop conduct a monthly writing challenge,
open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a particular
topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and music. The
August challenge is to write an epistolary story (one told via
letters) with at least two correspondents. For the current rules and
how-to information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your
title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least
brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can. Search
for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
WORLDCON 2002--SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA
The official OWW gathering at Worldcon will be on Saturday, August 31
from 1:00 to 2:30 PM in Convention Center Room G. For some reason, it
is currently listed on the program as "SIG: Dystopian SF." Don't ask
us why; we're trying to get it changed! (Many thanks to James Stevens
for setting this up, since our efforts were all in vain!) The
brand-new OWW T-shirts featuring our new logo will be available at the
gathering.
Check the daily convention news for updates to the schedule. Please
let us know if you are planning to attend Worldcon, and if only for a
day or so tell us which day. (More about Worldcon, August 29-Sept. 2:
http://www.conjose.org)
FUTURE FOCUS GROUPS: CALL FOR TOPICS
Starting fall we will be arranging 1-2 week focus groups on various
writing-related subjects, to be led by various authors and editors.
If you have a topic or writing skill you want to focus on, let us know
what it is at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.
NEW PRINT ANTHOLOGY SEEKING SUBMISSIONS
The Challenge: An Anthology From Manuscript to Printer in One Month.
Working Title: To Die For. Theme: "Characters to die for"--stories
rich in characterization, with heroes (or antiheroes or sidekicks or
villains) for whom other characters, and perhaps the reader, would
risk their lives. Seeking stories of all lengths from flash to
novella. Submission deadlines: August 23, 2002, preferred; September
1 at the latest; will consider stories through September 5th if the
anthology is not filled. For further details please visit
http://www.klio.net/byrenlee/antho.html or e-mail CMS Burrell at
byrenlee@klio.net. Although this is a not an official Online Writing
Workshop project, the member editing the anthology tells us that all
profits are earmarked for the workshop's Scholarship Fund.
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks
and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth a dollar a week to you? Award us a
$12 bonus along with your membership fee. 25% of any bonus payments we
receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip for good
personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen the
shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
About our company: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Editorial Board. One from each category (SF chapter, F chapter,
short story) is given a detailed review, meant to be educational for
others as well as the author. Reviews are written by our Resident
Editors, award-winning authors and instructors Kelly Link and Nalo
Hopkinson, or occasionally other writing pros. The reviews are
published on the site and in the newsletter. Close contenders for EC
will be listed here as runner-ups but won't get a review.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Runner up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: ANSWER TO THE SPUR,
Ch.s 5-6 by Kyri Freeman
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE RING OF
CALBANNIN, Book 2, Chapter 5 by Greg Byrne
There were some evocative and fresh turns of phrase in this
excerpt. Some examples: "the brown, swollen smell of the river" and
"darkness crawled like a wounded soldier over them both." Even so,
the language doesn't weigh the plot down; the story kept
moving along at a nice clip and kept me engaged.
I found that I wanted a better idea of the woman's age, and what she
looks like, particularly because although she speaks like someone who
may be of advanced years, she has a lot of physical strength and
endurance. I hope my impression is correct; I do so like the idea of
a wise crone who can kick butt and drag a landlubber prince safely
across a swollen river with her bare hands!
Some unclear spots; "Rohan heard the woman cutting short branches and
stripping them of leaves; he knew she was slipping them under her
shirt to dry against her skin." Is she drying the leaves, or the
branches? And where under her shirt is she putting them?
"One purpose. Grow tall. Reach out. One purpose only." This is a very
compelling image, yet it pulled me out of the story the first time I
read it applied to the cedar tree, because I'm not convinced that a
cedar tree has only one purpose: to grow. At the very least, it also
reproduces. But you might still want to keep the image, and the chant
that it becomes, because it ties in powerfully to Rohan's notion that
like the cedar he can only have one purpose in front of him now too.
And the repetition is quite effective so long as you don't overuse
it.
I got confused when Rohan told the woman that he couldn't swim,
because they'd just been in water over their heads and he seemed to
manage okay, if a bit clumsily.
This sentence is awkward, due to the repetition of the word "water":
"The intruder without defence in the water, lying like a sacrifice on
the water."
Generally, this is a well-written and engaging chapter. The
characters are interesting, and I was quite amused by the contrast you
set up between the young would-be ruler and the nameless (old?) woman
who's better at survival and strategy than he is, and who has a thing
or two to teach him. This man needs to learn humility fast, if he's
to be a good king. Nice set of conflicts, well delineated. I'd
definitely read on.
--Nalo Hopkinson
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: BEE HOUSE RISING, Day 2,
Chapter 14 by Keby Thompson-Boyer
There's lots to recommend about this excerpt. The bond between Andie
and Coffey is affecting, despite Andie's homophobia; we can really see
their deep love for each other. Similarly, the scene where Andie and
Aren begin to talk and she finds herself starting to like him is
beautifully drawn. By writing that scene from Aren's point of view,
you show us Andie's reactions through his eyes; we can see her growing
acceptance of him without your doing too much telling. Deftly done!
And then there's the paragraph that begins, "Silence can be so loud
sometimes. Lack of noise can be thunderous, booming inside your
head..." That whole paragraph is a good description of what it can
feel like when you're waiting for someone to pronounce judgement on
you. It uses sensory detail to good effect by taking us through the
physical sensations of what it's like to feel yourself alienated from
others by the fact of being trapped inside your own body. I was
really with Andie at that moment.
There were also evocative metaphors in this excerpt: "cloud cover,
wisps as thin as cotton candy" and "the groan of a foghorn," for
example. I could immediately see the clouds, hear the foghorn.
Some word and storycraft business:
Sometimes you used the wrong past tense. For instance, look at the
following bit: "He closed his eyes and tried to remember what the
woman-child, sharing her private thoughts with the bathroom at the end
of the balcony, looked like at birth." That should be "had looked
like at birth." In fact, the whole section where Aren tries to
remember what Andie had been like as a girl jars, because you so
determinedly refused to use the past pluperfect. And the flashback
that followed it goes on way too long. It gives us information that
we need, but it pulled me away from the main action of the story for
too long, and I found it distracting.
An odd image: "She wore a white wrapper, accenting the paleness of her
skin." First, do you perhaps mean accentuating the paleness of her
skin? And if you do mean that, then white won't accentuate her
paleness. A dark color would do so much more effectively.
Andie explains why the jungle is no place for a dog with the following
strange statement: "Sooner or later, someone would have probably eaten
her." Who would do such a thing, and why? I could be wrong, but my
sense is that even people who live in jungles tend to treat dogs as
companion animals--combination employee and pet--rather than dinner,
especially in a jungle, where there's more tasty food around than a
small, tough carnivore.
An overall comment: the writing is often beautiful, and you're good
with character development. What isn't working for me is the notion
that this novel is science fiction. I'm never quite convinced by the
aliens, their biology, or the science of how they do things. That all
feels more like wishful thinking than a premise with enough scientific
rigor for me to suspend my disbelief. It doesn't even have to be
scientifically possible, only plausible, but your world-building is
not yet plausible to me. I don't know if any of your other readers
has had that reaction, but for me, it was distracting enough that if I
had pulled this book off a shelf, I wouldn't have wanted to continue
to read it. One way to address that is to think through your
world-building more solidly. It's probably possible to find some
scientific underpinnings and language that would make your world seem
plausible. Another way would be to change your world into a fantasy
one--a bigger change, to be sure. But even as fantasy, the novel
would have to have an internal logic that convinces.
In summary, this excerpt is strong in character development and
evocative language, but the world-building feels like it needs a more
rigorous internal logic.
--Nalo Hopkinson
Editor's Choice, short story: "Sealed with a Curse" by PJ Thompson
This was an amiable, nicely-written story less about magic than about
the disorder and difficulties of ordinary life, about wanting things
that aren't good for you and the dangers of getting what you wish for,
even when magic isn't involved. In fact, while there are two kinds of
magic in this story, one of them isn't working: Superflux sounds more
like an American soccer team, or a video game, than a realm of magic.
At best, it sounds downright silly. While the gritty details of the
cunning man Simon Jellicoe's spell--eggs, spoons, cups, urine, sealed
jars--are convincing, all the references to the Superflux
significantly weaken the story.
The strength of the story is in the characters: Simon Jellicoe, Megan
Boyle, her innkeeper husband Robin. It's also in the strong, realistic
portrayal of sexual attraction between Megan and Neddy Jenkins, and in
Megan's desire for a secure, happy, loving marriage with Robin.
There are gaps that need to be filled in--for example, we are told
that Simon Jellicoe has visited this town before, and performed some
large-scale act of useful magic, and that the townspeople should
remember him, and yet no one ever refers to his previous visit to
Wilbury Cross. Either lose the reference, or else manage to work it
into the story. Also, over and over again, we're told that Simon
Jellicoe knows better than to work a spell in a situation where so
many people want so many different things; Simon knows Neddy isn't
really a witch, and yet he goes ahead and performs a spell for Megan
and Robin, and despite our expectations, everyone seems much better
off afterwards, except, perhaps, for Neddy and his descendants. It's
an interesting way to play off reader expectations, but perhaps one or
two references to the dangers of using magic should be cut, when, in
the end, Simon is so easily persuaded to play fast and loose with
spells.
Most importantly, Neddy Jenkins doesn't feel fully fleshed out yet.
We're told that he's a ne'er-do-well minstrel, and we see that he's no
good, but there's no evidence that he's any sort of musician. It would
be nice to show us he at least has some sort of musical instrument, if
not musical ability. Also, whether or not he's any good is less
important than knowing whether or not Megan thinks he's any good. We
need to know that. And it would also be nice to have a scene in which
either Robin Boyle or Simon Jellicoe hear Neddy playing, and to have
their opinion of his musical ability. Later on, this will give the
ending of the story, and Neddy Jenkin's future life as an upright
citizen more weight or poignancy--you might even want to say that in
later life he couldn't stand any sort of musical performance.
The story needs a bit more of Neddy: some sort of confrontation
between Neddy and Robin Boyle, perhaps, or at the very least the
reader needs to know that Robin has gone out hunting for Neddy after
he realizes that his wife has been meeting Neddy in the barn. I would
suggest that Neddy successfully hides from Robin, but encounters Simon
Jellicoe, who after all, is going to cast a spell on him. In some
ways, Neddy and Simon are very like each other: both itinerants, both
talented in unusual ways, and both a little amoral. Putting them
face-to-face at some point would add dramatic weight to the end of the
story.
You may wonder how, in a story of this length, to add all this
detail--fortunately, there's a lot of trimming that can be done
throughout, to tighten the narrative. For example, in the following
two passages:
[Polly looked confused, but] Mrs. Boyle snapped, "Do as he says!" and
Polly hurried off... "What is in this that weighs so much?" she said
[with peaked interest.] [Simon did not want to encourage snooping.]
"All the curses and mysteries that a cunning man needs," [he]Simon
said in a sinister tone."
And: The next day, Simon had a steady stream of visitors [in the
common room]. Mrs. Boyle had allowed him to use the inn's common room
in gratitude for his work with Bridget, and word was out how he had
helped the [woman]inn's cook.
Keep an eye out for awkward construction (reading a story aloud is the
best way to "hear" sentences that need to be rewritten, or which can
be cut down): "So it was with almost no sense of a bond between them
that she watched Neddy Jenkin walk through the door of the inn."
Another example: "When her father had threatened to hang Neddy from
his stones unless he left Megan alone, and Neddy had called her father
'a baseborn individual,' Megan had been forced to choose."
The interlude with Neddy and Polly seems a bit clunky as well as
overly long, although the end, where Polly makes her wish, is
wonderful. Also wonderful is the scene in which Simon's accidental
interference affects Megan and Robin's lovemaking for the better. The
ending is fast, very strong, and comic. It's by far the best part of
the story.
Two small comments: In describing Polly, why use "equine features"
when you can say "horsey features"? "Horsey" is more immediately
visual. In general, don't strain for effects of language.
A pet peeve. "Rage" used as a verb always causes my heart to sink--as
a slush reader (and a reader of romance novels), more often than not
I've found it indicates amateur prose.
--Kelly Link
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! (Some months we also award a prize to a
special reviewer.) If you got a really useful review and would like to
add the reviewer to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online
honor-roll nomination form--log in and link to it from the bottom of
the Reviewer Honor Roll page at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your nomination
will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all August nominations beginning September 1.
Some advance highlights from the August honor roll:
Reviewer: Glenn Carter
Submission: SANCTUARY, Ch. 4 by Elizabeth Donald
Submitted by: Elizabeth Donald
Nominator's Comments: Glenn's review was detailed, in-depth and made
sense. He pointed out both grammatical and structural errors, while
also providing positive feedback for the things that worked. It's the
kind of review you clip out and keep for your revision process.
Reviewer: Anika Leithner
Submission: The Once-Knight, Chapt. 12 by Kevin Kibelstis
Submitted by: Kevin Kibelstis
Nominator's Comments: This review was helpful because Anika analyzed
each and every character involved in the chapter. She let me know
exactly what she was thinking and why, and how I could change that
perception. It not only let me know what I accomplished in this
chapter, but also what I accomplished throughout the entire novel so
far.
All nominations received in July can be still found through August 31
at: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Original member Barth Anderson's story "Show Me Where the Mudmen Go"
is in the latest issue of _On Spec_ magazine
(http://www.icomm.ca/onspec). It was an Editors' Choice long, long
ago.
James Stevens-Arce's screenplay "Sins of the Heart" was selected as
one of 300 Nicholl Fellowships quarterfinalists out of 6,044
screenplays submitted.
Elizabeth Bear's story "Tiger! Tiger!" will be included in Del Rey's
forthcoming anthology SHADOWS OVER BAKER STREET, a compilation of
stories dealing with the intersection of the Lovecraft mythos with the
Holmes ouvre. Also, her poem "e.e. 'doc' cummings" has been accepted
by _The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction_
(http://www.fsfmag.com). She says, "Thank you, everybody. I never
would have done it without the Zoo."
Leah Bobet's story "Teapot" will appear in the _Vivisections_
anthology. It was workshopped with us. Leah says, "Lots of people
were helpful, but particularly Elizabeth Bear, Audra Bruno, Jon
Paradise, Kathryn Allen, and John Borneman, whose suggestions all had
substantial impacts on the final version."
Charles Coleman Finlay's novella "A Democracy of Trolls" will be the
cover story of the October/November issue of _The Magazine of Fantasy
and Science Fiction_ (http://www.fsfmag.com). Part of the novella was
an Editors' Choice on the original workshop. His short-short called
"The Frontier Archipelago" is in the current issue of _On Spec_
magazine (http://www.icomm.ca/onspec).
Kyri Freeman says, "If you want to see the bastard child of my brain
and too many Patrick O'Brian novels, check out the August _Ideomancer_
(http://www.ideomancer.com)" for her flash story "The Merrow."
Karen L. Kobylarz sold reprint rights for her short story "The Silence
of Hearts" to EOTU. It's currently appearing in the August issue
(http://www.clamcity.com/august2002/pg12hearts.html).
Andre Oosterman's story "Hyperscoop" will appear in Issue #7 of
_Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_
(http://www.andromedaspaceways.com). Andre says, "The story was
critted in the workshop and I would like to thank the reviewer."
Sarah Prineas sold short story "The Dragons of Fair D'Ellene" to
_Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com) for publication in November.
Tempest's short story "Elf Aware" is now up at the _Cafe Irreal_
(http://home.sprynet.com/~awhit/issue8.htm) under her pen name, Finley
T. Larkin. It was workshopped with us. Tempest says, "In fact it was
my piece for the 2nd person POV challenge. So thanks everyone who
critted it."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 7/20: 539 paying, 142 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 784
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 58%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.4%
Number of submissions in July: 526
Number of reviews in July: 2189
Ratio of reviews/submissions in July: 4.16
Estimated average word count per review in July: 572
Number of submissions in August to date: 334
Number of reviews in August to date: 1457
Ratio of reviews/submissions in August to date: 4.36
Estimated average word count per review in August to date: 545
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIP: CREATING AND SHOWING COMPLEX CHARACTERS
I've been pondering characters for a while now, and in between reading
other members' stuff and writing my own, I've come to some
conclusions.
How do you show a character's character? How do you show that your
protagonist is ethically weak, or likes order, is courageous or is
prepared to do the job as long as there is a reward at the end? What
tools can you use to reveal character? And most importantly, how do
you do it so that the reader doesn't see the mechanics of the
revelation? How do you make it seamless and invisible so that, at the
end of the book, the readers know that the character was courageous,
but aren't quite sure _how_ they know?
In four different ways, I think.
1. You can say so. "Derek was ethically weak, so when the bribe was
offered, he took it." Good old-fashioned authorial omniscient voice.
The easiest way to go, but possibly the most flat and least satisfying
for the reader.
2. You can show it through internalization. Here Derek's italicized
thoughts show an internal dialogue with himself. _Should I take this
bribe? Or shouldn't I? Oh, it's too hard! I really don't know!_
Satisfactory, but fairly obvious.
3. You can show it through dialogue. Derek doesn't say outright that
he is ethically weak, but as the dialogue between he and his business
associate continues, his refusal to reject the bribe outright shows
his weakness.
4. You can show it through action. A third party sees the antagonist
comes out of the office looking pleased. Derek is shown standing
behind his desk, looking guilty. Melodramatic maybe, but Derek's
character is shown by what he does, not by what he says or thinks.
Of the four, the latter two are the better choices, and the ones that
require most craft.
In some ways, writing is a little like acting. The writer has to
become the character, and get into the shape of the character's
thought processes in fairly much the same way as an actor gets into
the character's head. The more well-rounded and real a character is,
the easier this is, strangely enough. Characters can be fairly
illogical and inconsistent people as well. Character change can be
what drives us as readers to finish the book, to see how the character
grows into the person at the end: witness Frodo's growth.
When writing now, I ask myself of each character:
1. Is the character well-rounded enough? Does he/she have enough color
and texture, or is he/she too narrow and flat?
2. Do his complexities make for interesting reading? Are their some
quirks thrown in every now and then?
3. Is there a logical (or at least plottable) emotional progression
from beginning to end during the novel?
4. Are there conflicts between different parts of the character's
personality as he/she strives to achieve the story-goal?
--Submitted by member Greg Byrne
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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