O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, January 2005
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Off to a good start
OWW switching servers later in January
OWW gallery pages
February writing challenge
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for December submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
OFF TO A GOOD START IN 2005
The new year begins with four OWWers reporting first sales!
Debbie Smith made her first professional story sale to the DARK DELICACIES
anthology. She informs us that the story is now called "The Fall" but was
posted in the workshop as "Afraid of the Dark." She thanks Jeff Spock, Vylar
Kaftan, Anita Buehrle, and Kelly Link.
Cat Collins can't stop smiling! Her first book, SLEEPING DRAGONS, has just
been accepted for publication by Five Star Publishing. She gives "particular
thanks to those who stuck by me so loyally - Kevin Kibelstis, M.Thomas
(bless your pom-poms, girl!) Derek Molata, Amy Alward and A.K. Wrenn."
Joshua Palmatier sold a three-book fantasy series to DAW--his
first-ever fiction sale. The first volume, THE SKEWED THRONE, will be
out sometime in 2006. He thanks everyone at OWW, especially the
members of the Vicious Circle: Carol Bartholomew, Mike Blumer, Bonnie
Brunish, Kishma Danielle, Laurie Davis, Dorian Gray, Penelope Hardy,
Heidi Kneale, Robert Sinclair, and Larry West.
Like Joshua's, Sam Butler's first fiction sale was huge: a fantasy
trilogy to Tor. The first book, REIFFEN'S CHOICE, is due out in the
spring of '06. He sends his "thanks to everyone, especially Susan
Jett, Andrew Ahn, Jodi Meadows, Aaron Brown, Sandra Ulbrich, Ian
Morrison, and Holly McDowell."
More details on these sales are in our PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS
section below. Congratulations to Debbie, Cat, Joshua, and Sam, from
all of us here at OWW, and to all the other members who reported sales
and publications this month. We wonder who's going to be next!
OWW SWITCHING SERVERS LATER JANUARY
The workshop will be moving from one server to another later this
month. We plan to accomplish this without much disruption, but it's
tricky to do without just shutting the workshop down for a day or
two--which we don't plan to do. We will send out announcements via
this mailing list when the process begins and ends, so that if you do
experience any disruption (like not being able to access the workshop)
you'll know how temporary it will be. Our URL will remain the same,
as will all other features of the workshop. (For details on our
challenge, research the workings of the Internet's distributed Domain
Name Server system. In fact, maybe this should be the March
challenge...incorporate the DNS system or a metaphorical version
thereof into a story.)
OWW GALLERY PAGES
The OWW Gallery Pages have been updated with more member faces. You
can page through the member directory... or see them gathered in the
Gallery Pages at James Stevens-Arce's website:
http://stevens-arce.com/Ark.html
FEBRUARY WRITING CHALLENGE
Jodi, Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace, tells
us:
"This month's Challenge is something a little different. Our fearless
resident fantasy editor commented on tension in the zoo a short while
ago, and how she is interested in how to keep it up. So for the
February Challenge, that's it. Start a piece with high tension, build
it, and don't let it drop.
"Remember: Monthly challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget
to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've
never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be
great. It's all about trying new things.
"Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until
February first. Include "February Challenge" in your title so you can
show off how fancy you are to all your friends.
"Note: Someone recently suggested a challenge on one of Saturn's
moons, Titan. Feel free to use it as your February Challenge if you're
so inclined. (Double points if you keep the tension challenge too!)"
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
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For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
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For more information:
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Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos and Kelly Link, award-winning novelist and
former OWW EC winner Karin Lowachee, and experienced science-fiction
and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of
Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are archived on the
workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors'
Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
EARTHBOW, Prologue & Chapter 1 by Sherry Thompson
Sherry Thompson's first chapter and prologue of EARTHBOW caught my eye
with an interesting character and unique antagonist. Cenoc is a
nobleman, "the savior of Latimus," and a military man who stops at an
outpost on his inspection tour. Sevris, the keeper of this outpost,
has captured a werewright named Alarz. In exchange for his life, Alarz
agrees to give Cenoc information that will help the nobleman gain more
power. But in a double-cross, Cenoc orders Sevris to fight the
werewright. In the ensuing confrontation, Sevris beheads Alarz.
In Thompson's notes, she says events and characters have been
reordered to make it more "reader-friendly." I haven't read the
previous version so I'm not sure if this if "more" reader-friendly
than before. I did like the introductory glimpse into Cenoc's
character. He's described as a man "born of low degree" who possesses
the "bearing of a fighting man" and his actions seem to show him as a
somewhat ruthless manipulator.
From the notes, it also feels like Thompson is reorganizing her plot.
Since this is, as are most of the chapters on the 'shop, a work in
progress, I'm going to make some structural suggestions that may help
ease the reader into her world, make for a stronger hook, and build on
the all-important opening.
The point of view wanders from Sevris to Cenoc. Because Cenoc seems to
fill this chapter, I'd recommend making Cenoc the focal POV. His
contempt for the belief that "werewrights... were Elders themselves,
but of hideous aspect, the product of Wenos Zex's own deep sorcery"
balances our view of Sevris' nervousness. I like Sevris' drinking
throughout this chapter, but it would make his fight with Alarz less
likely to have the outcome that it does. Perhaps Cenoc could also
dismiss Sevris' superstitions about werewright blood or their magic --
whatever it is that makes them so valueable and fearsome. By making
the POV Cenoc's, the reader can get a sense of the character (his
motivations, ambition, purpose in this story), the world (his
dismissal of the superstition could help show more details about the
rest of the world's culture; some people believe the old tales, some
don't--a clash of modernism and traditionalism), and the werewright as
antagonists.
Because the werewrights aren't fully described in either physical
description or threat, I'm never quite sure what this chapter is
supposed to be about. On a microcosmic level, Alarz poses some threat
as a member of the werewright race. He's a part of the Shadow, but not
knowing what "the Shadow" is to Cenoc or Sevris, I'm not sure if it's
a magic, a race, an evil, or a demon. This opening chapter sets up
some very good things upon which to build a great world. Clarify the
nature of the conflict so the reader is completely enveloped into the
immediate danger. That danger can then be extrapolated into the larger
novel conflict and begins the plot building that will appear over the
next few chapters.
If the primary conflict is character based -- let's say it's Cenoc's
ambition to rule the land -- this chapter would also be a great place
to set that up. I get a sense that Cenoc is a major character, but I'm
not seeing any clues to help me sympathize with him. Is he the
antagonist or is he the protagonist? There's little emotion (other
than dismissal and confidence) from Cenoc; firming up the POV will
help the reader get a better sense of him and help get an intended
reaction.
World building also ties into the plotting. Cenoc dismisses Wenos Zex
as a fairy tale. What or who is Wenos Zex? One or two lines of
exposition could clarify some of the cultural details as well as whet
the readers' appetite. I am not suggesting Thompson add in an
info-dump, but with grounding details of world culture -- it can be
done with dialogue, internal monologue, character reaction -- the
readers start to pick up a wider and more complex world in which the
novel is set. We already get some wonderful details of the keep
through Cenoc's eyes. He sees Sevris as weak and pampered. Soft. While
this is somewhat cliched, I wouldn't necessarily change it.
There are some odd extraneous pieces to this first chapter that feel
as if they were written at another time, then the thread picked up
again. I agree with the comments about the scullery boys -- it feels
as if Thompson was going to use the scullery boys for something and
then changed her mind. Watch out for these sorts of things in the
final drafts. Fresh eyes can help pick out the lost threads and weed
them out.
I really want to know more about this world and these characters.
What's the bigger story? Who are these werewrights and what makes them
so fearsome? What or who is Mexat -- I'm not sure I need to know that
in Chapter One. But I think Thompson has a nice foundation that will
hopefully get stronger with each chapter and draft.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THIEVES PROFIT Chapters 1 & 2 by Bruce Davis
The author labeled this as "pure space opera, intended for fun
reading" and I think he succeeded. I enjoyed the set up and dialogue
in these chapters right off the bat. The casino scene was dynamic,
pulling me right along, and Zach's interiors were amusing and
colorful. I especially liked the quips about the croupier, Vincent,
and Wu. But even a story that is intended as "light reading" can still
get an edge up with some attention to the following issues.
I found the description (especially of the ship, "Profit") was not
really delivered in voice. My mind started to wander at this point,
where it was hooked before. When you're dealing with a first-person
narrative, a way to plow through description but still make it dynamic
is to take into consideration the voice of the character. Don't lose
it. Would Zach talk about his ship in such structured sentences, with
such encyclopedic language? Too often in first person narrative the
author treats it like third person except with a replacement of the
pronoun. First person narratives have a great excuse to really pepper
the language with interesting vocabulary, point-of-view (what he
notices and what he doesn't), and pacing. This goes for description of
people too, and basically anything the character looks at or interacts
with. People all notice different things depending on perception and
personality. While you have to deliver information to give a reader a
proper picture, it's the writer's responsibility to do that without
necessarily letting the reader know you're doing it. Writerly
sleight-of-hand is what can make a narrative soar off the page instead
of falling flat or being bogged down.
As a reader, I'd be much more interested in how the ship feels rather
than its blueprint specs. Is it lived in so it feels comfortable; in
need of a good cleaning, so it's not somewhere you would want to touch
the walls? How does it smell? Involve the other senses. All of these
suggestions can be applied to any setting your characters are in. It
doesn't mean you have to go on for three or four paragraphs; thread in
the description, and maybe at first drop three salient
characteristics. I tend to like to follow "the rule of three" -- which
is to let the reader know three major things about a place right off
the bat, and then allow their imaginations to fill in the blanks while
you allude to finer details throughout the scene.
Another issue is sentence structure, something I pointed out in last
month's Editor's Choice as well. The narrative is more interesting
when you vary the length and rhythm of sentences, and when you don't
begin sentences all in the same way. For example:
"Her voice had a musical lilt, just enough to turn a man's head. Her
body then demanded his attention. She stepped into the salon wearing
only a thin towel, her long black hair wet and clinging to her back.
The towel barely reached to the tops of her perfect thighs. Her skin
was smooth and golden. Her face turned to catch the overhead light
just so. Her eyes were deep brown, almost black, with a slight
Oriental lift at the edges."
The sentences all begin alike: her, her, she, the towel, her, her,
her. You also fell into this pattern when describing Wu. The result is
an almost perfunctory delivering of details which doesn't really
capture what you're trying to say -- that she's beautiful or
captivating. The use of cliched language also doesn't help. Musical
lilt to the voice, perfect thighs, golden skin, long black hair. Zach
doesn't have to get purple with his prose but the reader might
identify with her more as an interesting -person- rather than a
character if there was something different or unusually described
about her. Also, his anger and grabbing her hair seemed pretty harsh.
This would be fine if it was somehow alluded to before that he doesn't
mind being even a little violent with women. The rest of the exchange
between them was great, it gave us a good look at the dynamic and what
some of the root causes of their animosity might be.
Randomly, I laughed at this particular line of Deuce's: "Hey, Cleo,"
he nodded in her direction. "Nice towel..."
To answer more directly what the author asks in the introduction: I
think the stakes are clear, although they might be amped up a little
more. Wu is obviously a canny and cunning business type with hands in
something illegal. What if he had more on Zach than just his ship? If
not, then perhaps just emphasize a little more that the ship is his
livelihood, not to mention his home, and he's more than a little
territorial about it. I'm thinking of Han Solo and how he would react
if someone tried to confiscate the Millennium Falcon. There would be a
strong emotional reaction to that.
The characters come off as interesting and different from one another,
and the beginning of a situation where much adventure will ensue is
clearly introduced (and introduced early). This promises to be a wild
ride.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD (April 2005)
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choices, Short Story:
Just as she has for the past two months, Kelly Link selected two
promising short stories for this month's reviews.
"While Mrs. Pruitt Fertilized Her Gardenia Bushes" by Keby Thompson
This is an appealing, eccentric story, which may not be entirely well
served by the style in which the author has chosen to tell it. Mrs.
Pruitt, an older woman who is becoming increasingly estranged from her
grown daughters, finds a mysterious object in her garden which she
matter-of-factly assumes is an energy source for her neighbor's
spaceship. The description of the artifact is very nice:
". . . it was round and glowing and yellow with deep orange spots that
rippled across its surface, slippery like pudding. Mrs. Pruitt held it
between her gloved hands, glad for the gloves because it looked hot,
and thought it was like holding a piece of the sun. She put it in the
gardening cart beside her and went back to fertilizing her gardenia
bushes."
and it draws the reader right into the story. But there's a tone
problem here. The problem isn't that Mrs. Pruitt recognizes that what
she's found is alien, or that she puts it aside while she continues to
garden, or even that she finds a rather eccentric use for it after
she's finished gardening. I think the problem is in the strangely
bland and specific label she picks for it: "energy source." Frankly,
she doesn't seem like the kind of person, as a snoop and a reader of
Keats, to pick that phrase. Why not use an alien word, like "portch"
or "vool"? Then when Mrs. Pruitt's neighbors, Mr. O'Callahan and his
daughter Kath, show up, they can separately insist that it isn't a
"vool," it's a "lant" or a "morlee"; when she describes it to her
daughters, they can tell her that they've seen an ad on TV for such a
thing on TV and it's called a "rhomby"; the man in black can tell her
that he's sure it's a "kank," etc.
As I said, the voice, which is both matter-of-fact and also somewhat
glancing, may be as off-putting to the writer as to the reader. It's a
very slick story, but it doesn't allow anyone to get to know even Mrs.
Pruitt very well, which is a shame. Funny is good, and so is matter of
fact, but too often the story settles for a cute quirkiness and
doesn't push any farther. Readers need slightly more weight. For
example, we learn that Mrs. Pruitt's older daughter
"had a pinched quality to her voice--no doubt because her thong
underwear chafed. Mrs. Pruitt thought she was boring."
But we don't find out why she finds her daughter boring. A little
later, we're told that Mrs. Pruitt doesn't like her son-in-law, but
there are no interesting specifics. This is a story that needs
pertinent digressions. We need more screwball dialogue, and more sense
of the characters and their quirks, their relationships with each
other. It's not enough to tell us that Mrs. Pruitt reads Keats -- have
her quote Keats to the man in black. Give us a snippet of Keats that
Mrs. Pruitt loathes. Figure out why she's reading Keats in the first
place. I'd try writing more conversation between Mrs. Pruitt and her
daughters. Let them get to know each other, even if they don't
understand each other very well.
The setting of this story is remarkably vague. All we know is that
we're not in Australia. It might provide some telling details if you
gave us more setting.
The most significant relationship in this story is probably the one
between Mrs. Pruitt and Kath, the alien child. It's Kath who loses the
artifact in Mrs. Pruitt's garden. It's Kath who invites Mrs. Pruitt to
come along with the aliens, wherever it is that they're going. It's
Kath who seems interested in a relationship with Mrs. Pruitt, when
Mrs. Pruitt's own children are either emotionally or geographically
distant. It's for Kath that Mrs. Pruitt decides to go on a long,
strange journey, even though we've been told that she hates flying.
But we need to know more about Kath. Does she have a second parent?
Did she purposefully lose the artifact in Mrs. Pruitt's garden? If
Mrs. Pruitt has spied on her neighbors, has Kath spied on Mrs. Pruitt?
The story suggests that they are both lonely (Mrs. Pruitt wonders if
Kath plays with the neighborhood children) but it would be nice to
discover that they have both been wondering about each other.
On the sentence level, sometimes the sentences seem a little awkward,
or as if the writer may be trying too hard for poetry when poetry
really isn't needed. Go over your prose, sentence by sentence. For
example, this is a fantastic description:
"Mr. O'Callahan was a smallish man -- smallish hands, long, smallish
fingers, a smallish square to his shoulders. He had large, black eyes
and a smallish mouth, like the mouth on a trout. His skin was an
unusual shade of gray. Mrs. Pruitt thought he could use a day in the
sun."
But then, instead of saying in the next paragraph, "He had a strange
accent," keep us rightly in Mrs. Pruitt's point of view: "Mrs. Pruitt
had always found his accent strange. He wasn't a local man."
This paragraph below just feels cluttered, as if the writer is just
trying to get the energy source into the room, because that's what the
action of the story and the motivation of the character requires.
Believe me, I write this kind of paragraph all the time. But then you
have to go back and look at those sentences again:
"She found a wide-mouth vase in the cabinet under the sink, tried to
remember the flowers that had once graced it but couldn't. Putting the
energy source inside, she centered it on dining room table. The
windows in the room were smallish and up high. Mrs. Pruitt had always
wanted a better light source in the room, but didn't like the idea of
going above a sixty-watt bulb in any light fixture. So, the energy
source with its warm yellow lights and deep orange spots fit
perfectly."
Why not:
"She found a vase in the cabinet under the sink and put it on the
table in the dining room. The energy source fit nicely in the wide
mouth of the vase. The windows in the dining room were smallish and up
high. Mrs. Pruitt had never liked the room very much. It was dark, but
she had never found the right light fixture. She didn't care for light
bulbs over 60 watts. The warm yellow lights and deep orange spots of
the energy source suddenly made the room seem sunny and welcoming."
One last thing: Mrs. Pruitt begins to feed her visitors cookies and
meatloaf, etc. It might be interesting if she began to feed her alien
artifact as well. Maybe she could feed it Keats? Or at least read to
it? After all, energy sources need energy too, probably.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
"Seconds Out" by Nigel Atkinson
This is a science-fiction story told from three alternating points of
view, which is a technique that I usually enjoy as a reader. It's
always interesting to see how the author is going to stitch together
the narrative threads. Here, we have an adolescent fan of virtual
space adventures made by the celebrity Tessa Speek (a wonderful name),
Tessa Speek herself, and an up-and-coming death-match boxer, Cabal.
The problem is that none of the stories ever really pushes far enough,
and that we don't ever really get to know the three main characters
well enough to care what happens to them. Although we begin with Stone
Parker, the fan, which suggests that his story is going to be
important, we don't return to him until the end.
The story of the boxer is the least successful at the moment, even
though he has the most at stake. It takes too long to get going, and
isn't really strange enough. There's no real tension as he goes into
the fight. I don't particularly care when he fatally mismanages his
own career by boxing for second too long. And I never really learn
anything about Cabal, other than his boxing name or that he's on his
way up, and that he wants to win.
As for Tessa Speek, she spends most of her POV being bored and
bickering with her agent, Richard. Instead of genuine tension or
conflict, we get Tessa arguing with Richard, Richard placating Tessa,
Tessa being rude, Richard being pettily rude to the sommelier at a
restaurant, etc. A confession: I don't think Richard's dialogue works
at all. I don't have a sense of him as a character, and in any case,
you'll have to make me work hard to believe in an agent who prefaces
remarks with "ahems."
But I'd really like to see more of Tessa's character. I want her to
have quirks, to behave in a lively way. The only time Tessa comes to
life is when she talks about space. This is when I become engaged with
the story.
I'm a fan of John Varley's short stories in BLUE CHAMPAGNE, and of
James Tiptree, Junior's "The Girl Who Was Plugged In." I like
near-future stories which are about society and advertising and
compromises. I would like to see this story work, but at the moment,
the three POVs feel like a framework waiting for the real story to
begin. You need something to jumpstart this story, and I don't think
that the death of Tessa-Speek-style adventure entertainment in favor
of death-boxing is big enough, or new enough, or good enough. Why not
consider giving more space to Stone Parker, and then later on
revealing that he's just a figment of Tessa's agent's marketing
research? Why not consider throwing in some political unrest, or a
Presidential assassination attempt? Why not have both Tessa Speek and
Cabal upstaged in their attempt at fame by some sort of unforeseen
disaster? Why not then have one of them ride the wave of publicity to
better ratings?
Make this story a lot stranger. Make your unsympathetic characters a
lot more unsympathetic, but also make them weirder, more believable.
Make Tessa interact with her himbos -- don't just have her notice that
they've strayed off to chat with other celebrities. Make Tessa the one
who blows up at the sommelier (if you must have a sommelier). And make
the encounter stranger -- for example, she could accuse the sommelier
of staring at her breasts. And go on to say even more outrageous
things.
I want to stress that there are some extremely nice details in this
story, like the Korean businessman whose suit is crawling w/ Adfeed
showing happy children and skylarks and dam construction. Do consider
changing "Adverts" to "Advirts." I like the gene therapy, and the fans
who program their shirts to tell Tessa that they love her, and then
start brawls with their neighbors who don't love her enough. I like
that Security uses a sonic wave to stun them all into unconsciousness.
On a language level, keep your prose tight and clipped when you're
building tension. There are too many sentences in Cabal's section,
especially, that drag. Don't try for poetry. This is a section about a
character whose every nerve twitch has to count, has to be exactly
right. The prose needs to reflect that. Cut descriptions like this
one:
"Three and a half seconds . . . Iron fist almost closed, lungs
approaching full oxygenation and strategy decided, Cabal was ready.
Time strained at the leash, desperate for the whirlwind of violence to
be unleashed.
There are a lot of sentences as well like "The time for second
guessing was over." Cut all of these. You're just slowing down the
narrative for no purpose. Cut as much any explanatory description like
"In an odd quirk of synaesthesia and bioelectronics" as possible --
all you need is to tell us "He tasted the vibrations rather than felt
them."
The description of what the vibrations taste like is great, but I'd
break it up a bit for more impact:
"The background of the crowd, yammering and stomping, tasted like
overcooked sweet potatoes and white pepper. It was almost
overwhelming."
And then don't forget to give us more synaesthesia, later on.
I'd suggest taking a look at the nonfiction by writers like A. J.
Liebling, who wrote gorgeous, fluid essays about boxing. Throw some
Liebling (or Joyce Carol Oates, who is excellent on both boxing and
celebrities) and some Varley together, and you'll have a story with
real impact. Good luck with the rewrite. If it's easier, set this
draft aside, and start over, cannibalizing the good bits. I know this
sounds ruthless, but it might be less painful in the long run, and
Tessa Speek is worth saving.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Big-Time Girl" by Magda Knight
This story, of a fairy-tale character who forces a writer to write a
screenplay about her life, has lots of fun elements in it. I loved
reading about Inskrid's magic, indestructible dresses; her coat made
of a thousand skins; and her amazing walnut, into which she can fit
anything, including the writer. The scene where the writer spends the
night inside the walnut, and his tears fill it up, was scary,
wondrous, and enchanting. I was completely involved in the story at
that point.
Many stories have been written with this same general premise -- a
character, muse, sprite, or ghost inspires a writer or forces him to
write. This doesn't mean that a new story can't be written with this
premise. But it does mean that you have to do something really
different from what's been done before. As an author in the
horror/fantasy field, you have a responsibility to know what else has
been written in this area. Then you can figure out how your story
differs from all that have come before and stress those elements that
are different. Right now, the walnut section stands out as the
strongest. I also like the idea that the writer is secretly writing
to his agent for help while pretending to write the screenplay; it
reminds me of several fairy tales, as well as the epic Odyssey, in
which Penelope agrees to choose a new husband when she finishes
weaving her tapestry, and so weaves the tapestry every day and undoes
the work every night. I haven't seen that in any of the
supernatural-spirit-forces-writer-to-write stories I mentioned above.
I think you could do more with these elements, stressing what makes
your story different, and reduce the presence of more familiar
elements.
The most familiar and least interesting section, for me, is the first
third of the story. The mysterious, beautiful seductress is a common
archetype, and Inskrid's seduction of the writer/narrator feels like a
situation I've read many times before. Inskrid really doesn't start
to interest me until p. 6, where she's pulling Snow White books off
the rack at the bookstore and acting as insane as Brigitte Nielsen on
the Surreal Life. Also, the appearance of the mysterious girl (who
turns out to be Red Riding Hood) doesn't seem necessary to the story
at all, and doesn't make sense if Red and Inskrid haven't been working
together all along. Red's section reads like a kind of standard
horror story, and delays the real story from getting started. This is
really a darkly humorous piece, and you want it to be as tight and as
funny as possible. The revelation that you are building to -- that
Inskrid is a fairy-tale character and wants the writer to write about
her -- is something we've read before, so the less time you spend
building up to it, the better. Instead, you want to focus on making
the situation after the revelation as fresh, funny, and fascinating as
possible.
A further problem with the opening is that it makes no sense given the
conceit of your story -- that the story itself is a secret letter from
the writer to his agent, pleading for help. The story reads as if you
only figured this out halfway through. If the story is indeed a plea,
then it needs to read like this from the first sentence. You say
Inskrid can't read, so there's no reason that the writer wouldn't just
write, "Help me, Richard! Inskrid is going to kill me! Send the
police to my house right now! Please, just call and send them now!"
Someone who fears for his life is not going to go through all the
details of his sexual exploits with this strange woman before asking
for help. He could be killed at any moment! Yet he's not acting like
someone who fears for his life. You need to take your premise
seriously. Oddly, this is a problem many writers have. They're really
not interested in their premise (it is only a means to an end), so
they give it lip service but don't really believe it, and don't have
the characters behaving as if it is true. This puts the reader in a
bad situation. If the reader doesn't believe the premise either, then
he doesn't believe in the story and has no reason to read. If the
reader does believe in the premise, but the characters don't seem to
believe it, then he can't relate to the characters and is alienated
from them.
The premise is also inconsistent. You tell us on p. 8 that the writer
is tricking Inskrid into believing that the story is the first draft
of his screenplay about her life. He explains that he has to make the
story long because he's afraid of finishing and being killed. Yet on
p. 12, he says that he is working on the story in between working on
the screenplay. The story and the screenplay are two different
things. In that case, he has no motivation to make the story long.
In either case, he has no motivation to make the story read like a
story, to give it the first paragraph that you give it, or to tell
things in this slow way that only begins to hint that he's in trouble
on p. 7, and only really shows it on p. 10. If my life were in danger
and I had one chance to sneak a note out for help, I wouldn't wait
until p. 10 to ask for it. Since Inskrid can't read, the idea that he
has to drag out telling his story to his agent doesn't make sense.
Logically speaking, he could plead for help and tell his whole story
quickly, and then just write nonsense for as long as he could get away
with it.
Another logic problem -- if he believes he'll be killed when he
finishes the screenplay, then making the screenplay his plea for help
isn't going to save him. And I believe he does fear this from the
minute he starts writing this story (when he is, after all, tied up
and fully aware of the power of Inskrid). So you need to work out the
logic of his plan and figure out exactly how he would write this
story. Maybe he rewrites the same scene each day, telling Inskrid
it's not good enough to be worthy of her, rather like Penelope weaving
the same threads every day. Maybe he tries to talk Inskrid into
faxing a scene to his agent, but she won't go along. The smarter you
make him, the more we'll like him. Right now, he's behaving pretty
stupidly -- we catch on to Inskrid's nature a lot faster than he does
-- and like teens who go into the basement in horror movies, we don't
feel a lot of compassion for him.
If you start with the plea for help, then you can telescope the first
third of the story into a couple paragraphs. The writer could tell
his agent, "I know Inskrid charmed you when we all had lunch together.
I agree she's the hottest babe I ever picked up at a book signing,
and she's beyond incredible in bed. But she's also insane." Then he
can jump directly to describing her weird behavior in the children's
section of the bookstore, and we're into the wacky, fascinating, and
distinctive part of the story.
One final suggestion is that the hunting knives that Red wields at the
end get introduced early in the story. Right now, they seem to appear
out of nowhere. Earlier, Red had an axe, but that seems to disappear.
Inskrid is the one who should have the knives, and we should see them
early. It would be nice if, at the end, we understood he would be
made into part of her coat of a thousand skins.
If you can work out the logic of the writer's plan and have that
reflected in the story, I think this could be a very strong, fun,
fresh, and entertaining piece. Good luck with it!
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all October nominations beginning November 1.
Here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Walter Williams
Submission: Stealing the Sun Ch. 16 (sex) by Kyri Freeman
Submitted by: Kyri Freeman
Nominator's Comments: A strong review in which the reviewer considered
the whole novel and did a good job of looking at structure.
Reviewer: Sharelle Toomey
Submission: The Lure of Space - Chapter 17 by Pamela OBrien
Submitted by: Pamela OBrien
Nominator's Comments: Sharelle has come to my novel very late in the
game, but has brought a fresh perspective and offered wonderful
insights into the believability of some of the character interactions.
It's tough to jump in to the end of a novel, but Sharelle has done so
fearlessly; I'm very grateful. Thanks, Sharelle!
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during December include:
Andrew Ahn, Deb Atwood, Sam Butler, Rae Carson, Clayton Deschamps,
Mike Farrell, Melinda Goodin, Michael Goodwind, Edward Hoornaert,
Magda Knight, Bill Kohler (2), James Lemacks, Heather Marshall, Holly
McDowell, Jeremiah Sturgill, M Thomas, mark williams.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in December can be still found until February 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
The first book in R. Scott Bakker's _Prince of Nothing_ trilogy, THE
DARKNESS THAT COMES BEFORE, was selected by _Publisher's Weekly_ as
one of the "Best Books of 2004." Volume 2, THE WARRIOR PROPHET, was
just released.
Sam Butler told us it "feels like I've been holding my breath forever.
Anyway, I'm pleased to announce, with great help from the gang at OWW,
that I've signed a three-book deal with Tor. The first part of the
trilogy, REIFFEN'S CHOICE, was workshopped over the last year on OWW,
and is due out in the spring of '06. Thanks to everyone, especially
Susan Jett, Andrew Ahn, Jodi Meadows, Aaron Brown, Sandra Ulbrich, Ian
Morrison, and Holly McDowell. Could never have gotten this book right
without their help." This was Sam's first fiction sale. "I've had
no fiction sales before this, although I've had a great many
rejections over the years, mostly with mainstream novels. Regarding
what helped me from OWW, I would say it was very much the reviews.
Finally finding a place where I could get feedback that wasn't the
'It's great!' of friends or the generic 'No thanks' of editors and
agents was a great help. And enough folks told me that the middle was
slow that I knew I had to do something. Susan Jett and Andrew Ahn
were especially helpful. I also discovered that, if anything, my
reviewing other people's writing was even more helpful than the
reviews I received. I found writing a review was a great way to
codify my own thoughts about the process, and to force myself to
recognize similar problems in my own writing. If I complained about
something in someone else's story, I couldn't very well do the same
thing in my own. Really, I can't emphasize that aspect of membership
enough. For that reason alone, I intend to keep posting and reviewing
on the site. The honest give and take of the critting process is a
great thing. I'm halfway through the second book now, and hope to
start posting once I get the chapters into some sort of recognizable
shape."
Cat Collins wrote us with this understated announcement: "WOOOOHOOOO!!!
Huzzah, yippee and omigosh. I can't stop smiling. SLEEPING DRAGONS, my
first book, just got accepted for publication by Five Star
Publishing." Five Star is an imprint of Thomson Gale that specializes
in genre fiction. Cat continues: "The book was completely workshopped
about two years ago, if not more, and completely metamorphosed as a
result. The OWWers taught me the mechanics of writing, and gave me so
many great examples of the craft. Thank you all so much, but
particular thanks to those who stuck by me so loyally -- Kevin
Kibelstis, M Thomas (bless your pom-poms, girl!) Derek Molata, Amy
Alward and A.K. Wrenn. I'm currently writing the third in the series,
and hoping they'll also want to see the second book. Wish me luck!"
Luck, Cat!
Mike Farrell sold his story "Galva's Prize" to _Flash Me_
(http://www.angelfire.com/biz5/authors/flashme.html). He says: "Thank
you Ian Tregillis, A. Creg Peters, Kevin Kibelstis Andrew Ahn, Tracey
Stewart Deb Atwood, Roger, McCook, Alex Van Rossum, Treize
Aramistedian, and Gary Peterson for reviewing the story and helping
me."
Mark Fewell's short story "Night of The Space Princess" appears in the
Nov/Dec issue of _Calliope_. For more on Mark's long list of
publications, see his homepage at
http://home.earthlink.net/~markfewell
Charles Coleman Finlay's "Pervert" was selected for THE YEAR'S BEST
SF, edited by David Hartwell and Kathryn Cramer.
Kim Jollow writes to tell us that "Writing's not going badly--took
fourth in Ralan's contest and made the quarterfinals in Writers of the
Future, both with OWW-ed stories. Little things, but hey!"
Andre Oosterman sold his short story "Love is in the Blood" to _Alien
Skin_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com) for the Feb/March 2005 issue. He
says: "I'd like to thank my OWW reviewers for much needed advice."
Joshua Palmatier reports that he and his agent have just agreed to a
three-book fantasy contract with DAW. He tells us that "the first book
in the series will be THE SKEWED THRONE, whose first few chapters were
workshopped at OWW, and should be out sometime in 2006. Once a release
date is set, I'll let everyone know. The other two books will be
sequels. I have to thank OWW, and in particular all of the wonderful
people of the Vicious Circle -- the critique group we formed on our
own and ran using OWW (composed of Carol Bartholomew, Mike Blumer,
Bonnie Brunish, Kishma Danielle, Laurie Davis, Dorian Gray, Penelope
Hardy, Heidi Kneale, Robert Sinclair, and Larry West) -- as well as
all of the others at OWW who helped me improve my writing technique.
Everyone at OWW was supportive and encouraging. It's a great place to
experiment with writing, among professionals and friends. Thanks to
everyone who had something (good or bad) to say about my writing and
who helped to make it better." This was Joshua's first fiction sale,
but he made it a big one.
Debbie Smith made her first pro story sale, to the DARK DELICACIES
anthology. She informs us that the story is now called "The Fall" but
was posted in the workshop as "Afraid of the Dark." She accomplished
it with a little help from her friends. Debbie tells us "This was my
first 'invitation only' anthology. A friend wrangled the invitation
for me. I didn't think I had a chance of selling to an anthology
which already had stories by Stephen King, Ray Bradbury, F. Paul
Wilson and Neil Gaiman. But I submitted anyway and... they bought it!
I want to thank Jeff Spock for the title. Jeff, Vylar Kaftan and
Anita Buehrle gave me great reviews that allowed me to do a polish
before I sent it in. I also want to thank Kelly Link. She read the
first draft of this story at Clarion West, and suggested I write it
from a different point of view. That made all the difference in the
world."
Jaime Voss sold two poems, "Sir Once Forgotten" and "Clockwork" to
_Star*Line_. She said: "A 30 minute acceptance for these totally
floored me. These are the first submissions I've made for 2005 and
I'm hoping this bodes well for the rest of the year." Less than two
weeks later she sold her poem "Destiny" to _Between Kisses_. Hrmmmm.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 1/20: 660 paying, 68 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 503
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 71.4%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 4.8%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 4.82
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 636.39
Number of submissions in December: 300
Number of reviews in December: 1251
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December: 4.17
Estimated average word count per review in December: 712.93
Number of submissions in January to date: 251
Number of reviews in January to date: 1085
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January to date: 4.32
Estimated average word count per review in January to date: 691.07
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 59 (11.8% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 6
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 26
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 27
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2005 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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