O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, April 2005
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
OWW in award news
April crit marathon prizes
Midwest writing jams
Market news
May writing challenge
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for December submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
OWW IN AWARDS NEWS
The Hugo nominations have been officially announced, and we would like
to draw your attention to the nominations of two OWW Resident Editors
and, even more exciting, two OWWers, in this year's awards (for the
full list of nominees, see
http://www.interaction.worldcon.org.uk/pressr31.htm):
Best Novelette
* "Biographical Notes to 'A Discourse on the Nature of Causality,
with Air-Planes' by Benjamin Rosenbaum" by Benjamin Rosenbaum
(ALL-STAR ZEPPELIN ADVENTURE STORIES, Wheatland)
* "The Faery Handbag" by Kelly Link (THE FAERY REEL ,Viking)
Best Short Story
* "The Best Christmas Ever" by James Patrick Kelly (_Sci
Fiction_, 5/26/04)
John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer (not a Hugo)
* Elizabeth Bear (second year of eligibility)
Good luck to Ben, Kelly, Jim, and EBear!
In other award news, Catherine M. Morrison, known to many on the
workshop as Chance, won the 2005 Darrell Award for Best Midsouth Short
Story for "Elvis in the Attic" published last year at _Sci Fiction_.
Congratulations! If you see her, buy her a beer.
While not actually an award, we also note that James Stevens-Arce's
website was listed in the _Writer's Digest_ 101 Best Web Sites for
writers. While Jim also maintains the OWW Gallery Pages, we suspect
the recognition was for his writing links page here:
(http://www.stevens-arce.com/Links.html). If you haven't checked it
out, you ought to.
APRIL CRIT MARATHON PRIZES...
...will be announced next month, silly. But we're giving away some
cool books, including Paul Witcover's TUMBLING AFTER and Karin
Lowachee's CAGEBIRD. So check back then.
MIDWEST WRITING JAMS
Tobias Buckell, who's sold two novels to Tor and has numerous short
story publications, is sponsoring the second annual Midwest Writing
Jams in Bluffton, Ohio. The dates are:
*June 3-5 2005: Short Story Writing Jam
Guest: author/editor Mike Resnick
A weekend away to get a story critted and work on something new while
around other authors.
*June 10-12 2005: Novel Writing Jam
Guest: agent Steve Mancino of JABberwocky Literary Agency
A weekend away to get a novel proposal critted and work on something
new while around other authors.
More details in full at http://www.tobiasbuckell.com/workshop
MARKET NEWS
M. Thomas wrote to inform us that _Lenox Avenue_ (which you will find
in the sales and publications section this month too) is having a
themed issue. Please note the reading period and special instructions.
The theme is "Mechanical Oddities." She says "We look forward to
seeing your submissions!" Read the complete guidelines at:
http://www.lenoxavemag.com/lenoxavemag/themeguidelines.htm
MAY WRITING CHALLENGE
From Jodi, Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace:
"WAKE UP!
"This month's challenge is... Coffee and/or tea!
"(Caffeeeeeeeeeeine)
"Remember: Monthly challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget
to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've
never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be
great. It's all about trying new things.
"Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until May
first. Include 'May Challenge' in your title so you can show off how
fancy you are to all your friends."
For more details on the challenges, check the Challenge home page at:
(http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html).
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE TRAVELER'S DAUGHTER; CHAPTER 3 - THE ANOINTING by Miquela Faure
What I liked most in Chapter 3 of THE TRAVELER'S DAUGHTER is the
writer's confidence. We see it in the very first sentence:
"Before dawn, while the cliffs ringing the temple compound still cupped
the morning fog like silver nectar, Helvina stood beside Elmrik on the
dais of the Hall of Priests."
There are other passages just as well-crafted:
"They stepped outside onto the wide, mosaic-inlaid portico and
separated, one to each side of the temple doors, to stand beside
tables where wreaths of frangipani and roses exuded notes of cream and
spice."
I would draw attention to the specificity of the descriptions.
Although it's not evident from these two selections, the author also
knows how to vary sentences to achieve different effects. Complex
sentences to describe busy scenes and situations, and simple, short
declarative sentences to convey sudden action or a series of quick
impressions, as she does here:
"Helvina ran to him but stumbled to a halt as she realized what the
Valiants were carrying: Litters. Litters stacked with bodies. Young
women. White robes."
That's nice! Economically and dramatically crafted. As fellow
writers, we're appreciate grace in writing enough that we're often
willing to overlook other problems; readers, who most often read for
story, are less forgiving. And I think there are problems in this
chapter that should be addressed.
The chapter is titled "The Anointing" and it begins with a two page
description of Helvina anointing a baby. This is followed by about
five pages of the relationship between Helvina and Bria, focusing on
Helvina's attempt to bridge some of the distance that has grown
between them. Their conversation is interrupted by the major events
of the chapter -- the murder of the virgins, which Bria is blamed for.
The one survivor is questioned for information about the attack.
The middle section, describing the discovery of the attack and its
aftermath, is the strongest section. Here the story feels focused and
grounded in the reader's present. But the opening scenes and the
conclusion are not as strong.
Throughout the first two scenes, I have the feeling that the author is
setting up things that will be important later. In particular, the
opening scene with the anointing of the baby feels like it's there to
flesh out the world, and perhaps to introduce a character -- Sister
Anigale -- who may play a role later in the story. But there's no
conflict or tension in the present moment of the story. Nor do we
seem to learn anything about new about Helvina; the scene concentrates
on her actions, but doesn't develop her character or advance the
present moment of the plot in the way the discovery of the murders
does later.
This simply won't do. Every scene must earn its place on the page,
usually by doing at least two things. Advancing the plot, building
the world, developing the character, amusing the reader are all things
a scene can do. Because Helvina is so immersed in her role, the author
could choose to take us deeper in her head and give us her perceptions
of the significance of this event. Or go the other way, and have her
going through the motions, but thinking instead about her concerns for
Bria, which might solve some of the problems of the second scene as
well. A chapter title will usually draw our attention to the most
important event or scene in a chapter, and the anointing doesn't seem
to be very important here compared to either Bria or the murders...
unless the author ironically intended the murder of the virgins to be
an anointing of a different kind. The first scene needs to do more to
earn its place, and the chapter title, than it does right now. It
needs tension of some sort, even if its subdued and internal. There
needs to be something at stake somewhere in those two pages.
The second extended scene focuses on Helvina's relationship with Bria.
There's one particularly nice moment in this scene:
"Though she [Bria] was part of the group, the conversation skipped over
her; and the other children, while standing around her, had their
bodies subtly angled to where she was not included. The initiates'
faces were cheerful and free of guile, apparently unaware that they
were snubbing her, but Bria's hunched posture and downcast eyes
declared she felt their unintentional exclusion."
I felt that too much of this scene was backstory; there weren't nearly
enough moments in it like this one. I was very intrigued by the idea
of "The Lover's Friend" and the use to which Helvina meant to put it.
And I was more interested in seeing how Bria reacted! Instead, when we
finally get to that moment, where the story between them might go
forward, it's interrupted. I might not have minded as much if there
were some tension in the first scene. but I felt very frustrated that
this important relationship did not get a chance to change or develop
in any way after all the exposition. So the second scene needs some
forward movement as well.
"Isaferre," the ominous final proclamation from the rheumy-eyed old
priest that ends the chapter, was not much of a hook for me either.
The stakes did not seem clear to me in the final scene -- so what if
another priest gathered their essences? So what if they all go back
over to the mainland, away from the scene of the crime? I want a
clearer reason to keep reading.
My other concerns for the chapter are minor but persistent. While the
settings are lovingly described, the characters all tend to blur
together. Elmrik tugs at his beard, which is okay, and Ferj sits with
his legs crossed, "the top one flopping like a landlocked cod," which
is very good. But the Valiants are mostly their title (and yes, I know
that the "brawny" one has "work-chapped fists" -- more on that in a
moment), the virgins are mostly white robes, and overall here is very
little sense of the physicality of the characters. I'm not sure why
Crecelle, "a thin redhead with a tight mouth," who appears once and
never speaks, gets a description here, when Jynn, who has a fairly
major role over several pages, doesn't. Or Dorie's father, who is
merely "the man," despite his actions and dialogue.
Finally, although much of the writing is sharp and specific, in too
many places it relies on stock phrases and cliches. The ferryman's
"particular rolling gait," the "brawny" guard and the "gray-haired"
guard who have essentially interchangeable voices, the "insane
laughter" that "bubbled," the realization that hits Helvina "like a
bucket of cold water." Wooden buckets are heavy enough that they might
even cause a concussion; a splash of cold water would feel fresher.
But all of the problems here feel like artifacts of a first draft.
When the author comes back to revise it -- and I might recommend
waiting until the whole first draft is done -- find something at stake
for the first and final scenes, flesh out the physicality of the major
characters, and make some of those weak phrases stronger, if not as
strong as the best, and this will be a very promising book.
Good luck! I hope this helps.
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Author of THE PRODIGAL TROLL (June 2005)
http://www.ccfinlay.com
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SHADOW - REVISED CHAPTER 1 & CHAPTER 2 (Partial) by Rob Mende
The concept of this story grabbed me immediately. For whatever reason,
we don't tend to read a lot of SF that deals directly with religious
issues, which is somewhat surprising considering everybody has an
opinion on religion. Maybe it's too controversial, but that to me
seems to be a good enough reason to explore things to do specifically
with spirituality as it relates to organized religion. A corporate
theocracy is a fascinating idea and your brief summary stated before
the chapter begins is a great hook.
At the same time, however, books can't be written on good ideas alone;
as we all know, execution counts.
* Briefly:
Cliches: "haunting familiarity"
Wonderful phrases: "Being within the shadow of the Monolith is like
seeing life as an underexposed photograph, a world filled with muted
hues, diminished colors and deep shadows."
Some of this language just flows beautifully. The somewhat wordy style
is one that can pull in a reader, but be careful you don't overdo it
and end up driving away meaning with too much purple phrasing.
* Tagging dialogue:
"Might you have scared someone off with your approach?"
"The dark will always recede from the light, even if it is the light
reflected from a moon. It is not your stature that drove them away."
Tag these. Who says them? I figured it out after rereading but you don't
want readers to do that with dialogue; it breaks the flow.
"This is not exactly the best place in which to practice wanderlust.
There are some in this neighborhood who would see you as a tempting mark for
a mugging." I almost laughed out loud.
and
"I have little of value to a potential mugger. It has not been a
problem." The Blademan gives me a questioning look, but says nothing.
Conversely, don't associate the action of one character with the dialogue of
another; a general rule of thumb is to start new paragraphs for each
character action/line.
"And there was no sign of anyone else?"
"No."
"But you definitely heard them?"
"Oh, yes. There were at least three distinct voices."
"Do you think you would recognize any of the voices?"
"I doubt it. The words were not clear, but the tone of each voice was
different."
"Hum, well that is interesting. I am still of the opinion they were more
interested in covering their identity than the crime, but your presence puts
an interesting spin to the situation."
"How so?"
I do not like mysteries, and this Blademan is presenting me with several
-- the greatest ambiguity of all being the simple question: why am I still
alive?
Tag some of these or we lose who is saying what. Also, are Blademen cops?
Because this is starting to sound an awful lot like a police investigation
now. And his questioning of why he is still alive doesn't hold much weight
because the reader still doesn't know what or who this Blademan really is
and what his role is in this society and toward the Padre.
* Some general things:
I have seen lies bound by charismatic personalities in eloquent words
specifically created to stoke the fire of ill-reasoned passion and in
return, I learned to listen for deception by reasoning for impartial
truth...
Right around here I wanted a little less self-reflection for the
beginning of a novel and more forward action to better set the scene,
the place, the way these people interact in this unfamiliar world.
It's not as dynamic here as it could be if he was doing something more
than reflecting. The actions of him with the street kid are lost
amidst his interior monologue. I think we get early on that he is a
believer, but has issues. Thoughts like these can be interspersed
instead of dumped right at the beginning, because too much of these
internal debates or realizations tend to alienate a reader who wants
to instead identify with the character on some more mundane level (for
the beginning of a book). Also, it's fun to discover what he thinks of
these ideas of faith or control or dogma over time, as opposed to
right at the beginning.
The beginning summary states: "Shadow is the story of a minister of
the corporate religion who goes into the Shadow community to convert
and becomes converted." But from the above paragraph and just the
allusion in the first couple hundred words, it really sounds like he
has already, at least spiritually, left behind the corporate religion.
He's already suspicious, he's already doubting, he's already
skeptical. What greater change would it be if at the beginning he was
bought into the dogma, but then you show the slow change, from a mild
doubting to a full-blown conversion "to the truth"?
It no longer matters what etiquette demands, for at any moment the
blow will come that will sever head from body. I look directly into
his eyes.
Is it that he isn't allowed to look people directly in their eyes? I
was confused and then realized he actually was talking to the Blademan
himself, not just invoking or thinking of him. Maybe make this a
little more clearer right off the bat. Also, is this normal for the
Blademan (Death) to just walk up to people and speak? Is this an
actual man or some kind of otherwordly concept/being? Their initial
dialogue is somewhat obtuse and I'm not sure you want to lay that on a
reader right at the beginning, especially after a lot of internal
reflection. Though this story might in part be a discourse of
religious or spiritual concepts, you still want the _story_ to move
forward.
Generally, people are uncomfortable with silence and will unconsciously
fill it with details to justify a statement or position. These additional
details often contain clues to facts the speaker would rather keep hidden.
There is only one simple rule once the silence game has been invoked: he who
speaks next, looses. I am not about to tell him about my martial training. A
secret is only of value as long as it remains hidden.
This is where the tone or the voice of the character sounds more
textbooky and less of a personality. There is an amazing opportunity
to give this man a wealth of dynamic personality, because he is
intelligent and is the person that will change the most, one assumes,
through the course of the novel, so there is that seed of rebellion
somewhere inside...right now he sounds rather like a typical
impression one would have of a holy man. He's stoic and earnest and
serious, and that amounts to a rather bland voice. Even if the point
of the character is to be kind of bland at the beginning (is it?), you
don't want that to be too completely conveyed because readers won't be
interested in a bland voice. Also, this is where I'm confused about
the Blademan. If he's more "supernatural" wouldn't he know of the
priest's martial training? Who would know this, or is it some secret
thing that nobody outside of his order knows, or...? If we knew this,
that line or the concept of that line, would carry more weight.
"There really is not much to report," I continue slowly. "I was
walking by the alley entrance when I heard what sounded like a crying
child. When I called out to see if someone needed help, I heard some
muffled cursing and some shuffling. When I called out again, the only
response was the moan of a child. I found the boy much like you see
him now."
I was struck by this, and wondered why the novel didn't start out like
this, with this bit of action? By action I don't mean a fight scene
necessarily, but seeing the character going about his business with
this stark image of a kid with his brains blown out, dead. I still
can't _see_ much of what is obviously an intriguing society -- the
Shadow. This is where some cinematic thinking might be an interesting
thing to try. How interested would you be watching a film where the
first frames show the protagonist basically standing still and having
a mild conversation over a body? (Or just showing the character
standing still with long bits of voice over -- which the internal
monologues basically are). As opposed to following the character for a
bit through some dark streets, where he encounters what happened
above, that he describes in dialogue? This way we'd get to see him
performing his duties, see his interest or doubt or care. That would
be our first impression of the Padre and I think would grab the reader
a lot more immediately.
"I might be naive, but I am not a fool." I speak with more heat in my
voice than desired, and work to tone it down a notch. "I kept my eyes
and ears open while performing last rights. It surprised me that you
were able to sneak upon me the way you did."
So we see that he is quick to be irritated with someone that he seems
to fear; this doesn't seem to jive with what you've shown us in his
internal speech. Also, is he truly naive? Be mindful that when you
have a character think a lot, that his words and actions outside of
his thoughts are at least mostly consistent to what we are privy to in
his thoughts, and if not, if he is someone that acts unlike how he
thinks, that there is reason shown for that and some description as to
whether that is purposeful on his part (like it would be for a spy or
something.
"So are you implying that my presence changed this... this crime,
somehow?"
"It definitely changed their environment and they did not adapt well
to that change. What do you think happened here, Padre?"
I'm lost. Changed the environment how? Because they heard him coming
they killed the kid? The dialogue has this curious mixture of complete
directness, candidness, and then these vague sort of allusive phrases.
"Yes, I agree. The implantation of the jacks was incomplete, though.
See how the flesh around the temples is still inflamed." I doubt my
stomach could endure another attempt at close scrutiny, so instead I
give a sage-like grunt of agreement. "The neurosynaptic junctions have
more blood that gray matter on them as well. It's no wonder the jacks
blew free. Someone was in a great rush to get this boy jacked into the
Data Net, which also suggests they did not plan for this boy to
survive." The Blademan glances around the alley. "The nearest public
VR jack is quite a ways away. This is not the part of town where a
public jack would likely be found to be hijacked. There may be an
illegal VR hack box in the area, but it would be virtually impossible
to find. It's a good bet the illegal box has already been disconnected
and..."
Technobabble that has little meaning to the reader at this point, and
is far too much telling and not enough showing. The entire tone of the
book has shifted at this point to become an investigative CSI dynamic,
and none of the earlier introspection or set up is in sight. The story
is running hot and cold at this point; the reader isn't sure where to
plant their feet and for the beginning of a novel there really needs
to be consistency before throwing in new elements.
Dark, oily clothes hang on oddly bent bodies. They move about the
Blademan with a strange hip-swing waddle, as if they cannot stand
straight.
Great imagery. But then the following dialogue completely lost me.
Again I get the feeling of being painted by numbers in how I am
reading the story. The characters are talking about something that I
have no grounding for, so the reaction is a detached one, which a
writer does not want. The protagonist is hidden away and watching from
a distance too, so there is no identifying interest in what's going on
between the Blademan and the odd creatures.
"Fresh flesh!" the other shouts, "You give up fresh flesh on the
promises of a light dweller? What a fool you are, Velnor!"
It is really difficult to get away with someone shouting "Flesh,
flesh!" and not have images of sword and sorcery Dungeon & Dragon-type
fantasies dancing through the forebrain. What follows is a fight scene
but the main character isn't involved.
And this sums up a lot of my impression with this chapter: it was
inconsistent. I began with a healthy interest in the idea and the
world, and despite the heavy internal monologues, I was still
interested in the Padre and how he might navigate the Shadow in order
to become a changed or converted person. But along the line the
narrative became muddled and bogged in a detective-type tone, then a
fantasy-type tone, when it started out more as an SF dystopian-type
tone. This resulted in a lack of focus for the story, the plot, and
the characters.
I think if the writer distills what he wants to show, and say, through
the main POV character (or characters, if the Blademan is essential as
well), this would give a lot more clarity to the story. Balance the
dialogue so the reader is grounded in specifics, not allusions to
things or concepts with which we aren't yet familiar -- this doesn't
create suspense, only frustration. The idea of the story and the arc
of the character as stated in the summary is definitely worthy to
explore.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD (April 2005)
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Impulse" by Steve Ramey
This is an excellent attempt to look at possible near-future
scenarios, building a world through small details, and sketching out a
believable character who would be affected by new technology, new
laws. Mickey Bajo is a sympathetic viewpoint character, with
believable and real difficulties and impulses, and because of this,
although his world is tightly circumscribed, and his actions are not
wildly dramatic, he's far more interesting and original than most
characters in the science fiction submissions that I read.
The shape of the story is perhaps a bit too tidy, the way it both
opens and closes with Bajo shaving, regarding himself in the mirror.
It makes this an easier, less ambitious story, but since the story is
concerned, in more than one way, about symmetry, I'm not sure how to
fix this. The idea of the Stermark, a dyed purple brand which
indicates that the person marked has been compulsorily sterilized, is
a nice sfnal idea. But since the rules aren't clear, even to Mickey
Bajo, it leaves me with some questions. How common are these marks?
When did the courts start mandating them for individuals? Why is so
much effort expended on tracking down Bajo for such a petty crime?
Despite the much-publicized, recent roundup of wanted drug offenders
and suspects, I don't think that the police ordinarily have the budget
or number of officers necessary to send a squad car out to pick up
Bajo. It seems far more likely that he would have been collected on
the spot, by the Target security officer -- far more cost-effective
and time saving.
It also seems strange that Bajo is so curious about the Stermark, and
at the same time, so uninformed. In the same way, it seems strange
that his acquaintance, Plumm, who bears the Stermark on his chin,
should bring up the subject of impulsive actions and crimes. That
conversation needs to be a bit deeper and stranger, perhaps slightly
more drunken. We should get a piece of Plumm's story, even if it seems
unlikely that he's telling the truth. Learning parts of the stories of
various characters is always part of the pleasure we get from reading
fiction. We also need to know more about Bajo's relationship with the
other men at the poker party -- how he met them, and what he knows
about them. Otherwise, it doesn't matter that they abandon him to his
fate, and it should matter. If they aren't really Bajo's friends, even
if they're only casual acquaintances, we should see that, too, even if
Bajo doesn't. And even then, we should get more of a sense of their
character or background or habits and quirks.
At the moment, this is a story of a man who goes to a poker party and
decides, because of a somewhat drunken conversation, to go out and do
something impulsive and dangerous. Of course, Bajo's theft is actually
premeditated, planned beforehand, although planned poorly. He has made
a decision to do something that appears impulsive, although it isn't
actually impulsive at all. Then he is caught, does something really
impulsive and foolish, and is punished for it. It's a bit like a
Russian novel. There's a nice irony in this, but I'm not sure that the
writer has really used that irony as nicely as he could, or really
wound the tension as high as it could be ratcheted.
I'd suggest making the poker party seems as magical and inspiring as
possible -- Bajo seems to find it so, but we don't really get that
heightened sense of possibility and electricity. You say that Bajo
feels that he's had a revelation, but we don't really get that
charged, moment-where-a-flipped-coin-hangs-suspended-in-the-balance
feeling. Slow down the narrative, really describe everything, as if
Bajo is really living in the moment, there at the table, holding a
hand of good cards, feeling on top of the world and among good friends
and really lit, in every sense of the world. Then send him off to
Target. And once he's there, don't make it so crowded and full of
vaguely described people. It rings a false note. You can have him
really notice one or two people, but have him seem to notice
everything, like the fact that a woman has mis-buttoned her shirt, or
that one of the clerks has a chipped tooth, or a wandering eye. Be as
vivid as possible.
During the conversation at the poker table, perhaps it shouldn't be
Plumm who begins it. If there's something to Bajo's conspiracy theory,
it isn't working and I don't think it can work. If the conversation is
just conversation, it should be more natural. Give us a piece of
Plumm's history, and tell us how he reacts when Bajo asks about his
Stermark. Let Bajo react as well, be more aware that he's really put
his foot in his mouth. When Richards tries to restart the stalled
conversation, it doesn't feel natural in any way, that he brings up
crimes of impulse, under the circumstances. He would try to start an
entirely new conversation. Either that, or else you could make the
story slightly more interesting by shifting the dynamic, having all
the men follow Bajo's lead and press Plumm for his story. You can show
us that someone with a Stermark will always be under suspicion, and
always a subject for needling, that a group will turn against them
easily. I'd suggest trying to push the story this way. It makes the
story slightly more complex, slightly less like a trap story.
I'd also suggest giving Bajo's lawyer slightly more personality.
Because Bajo's story line is fairly simple, you might as well
complicate the story in interesting ways by showing us how this law is
affecting a number of people. I'd like to have enough sense of the
lawyer to know why he doesn't press charges. I'd like to get the sense
that he's overworked, that he has a life, that he and Bajo, in other
circumstances, would have things in common: difficulties with their
families, a love of poker, whatever. This way, it matters more and
also in more than one way, when Bajo punches him. The most horrifying
thing in this story is that Bajo's children will also be sterilized.
But the ending of the story seems to gloss over this, just a bit. I'm
not sure how to push it forward without making the story more
melodramatic, but then again, it's a lot easier giving the critique
than rewriting the story -- all I have to say is fix it, and good luck
with that.
My favorite parts of the story are the ways that the writer uses
little details to draw the characters of Bajo and his wife. Details
like how Maria sleeps with three pillows, and how she only takes her
crucifix off when they make love. Maybe if you make their two children
slightly more real in the same way, it will make their future
sterilization more real as well. Your style of dialogue, and the voice
of the narration, for the most part, is very natural. But do watch out
for slightly purple descriptions or metaphors, and take a look at the
first paragraph.
"Mickey Bajo sang quietly as he shaved, the electric razor humming
happily along." -- You may not want to double up pairs of verbs and
adverbs like that. -- "He stretched his left cheek taut, then his
right, sparse eyebrows lifting in turn as if to escape the gravitation
of his round, brown eyes." -- That sentence really throws me, for a
number of reasons. Although we're moving into Bajo's point of view, it
doesn't sound like close third-person narration. The adjective
"sparse" stands out too much. And the simile really knocks me out of
the story. You don't want to make the language do acrobatics here. You
don't want to impress the reader, you want to make her feel
comfortable, to forget that there's a writer at all. I'd cut about a
fourth or a third of this paragraph: you don't need to set up Poker
Night so early. Don't stuff it so full of essential information,
because then you end up with phrases like "Maria distracted taking
care of their two toddlers all day." -- We're in Bajo's POV, remember?
So he doesn't think of his children as "their two toddlers." Keep the
focus and language tight and close.
Look out for similes like "He was tired of civilization looming over
him like the shadow of some grotesquely overgrown vulture." Don't
reach for descriptions like following up "burying her head in the
middle like a sandwich" with the hard-to-picture "hair protruding like
blackened bean sprouts." Yikes!
A few more small things: when Bajo is taken away by the police, the
sequence gets mixed up. First he's driven away, and then Maria stands
silently on the doorstop. Reverse these.
When you describe Maria's grievances, I'd cut the sentence beginning
"And she had resented, he knew, his parties with Campano and Richards
and Plumm..." It feels unnecessary and slows down the paragraph. I'd
also cut this telling-not-showing series of sentences: "Mickey felt
doom closing upon him, thoughts circling , biting their own tails. Was
he truly to be betrayed by his own wife and friends? It wasn't
possible!" Also cut "His fears were confirmed" and just say "Several
hours later, the lawyer came back to his cell."
Finally, cut "His entire life seemed to be composed of such trivial
episodes, integrally stitched together into memory." This may be true,
but it isn't something that you need to tell us, or that Bajo needs to
realize while we're reading. It rings false when you have to say it.
The last sentence of the story is remarkably powerful. And I love that
Bajo wonders if he would have enjoyed the stolen music of Bon Jovi.
A last question: much of the tone of this story suggests that Bajo's
family is in difficult straits because Bajo is irresponsible, a
somewhat feckless, eternal optimist, and too macho to let his wife
work. But I'm not sure that you mean to suggest this. It would be good
to see that Bajo does actually work hard, and that all of this doesn't
happen simply because he plays poker with friends when he ought to be
home, helping his wife take care of their children. Really, the
occasional poker night doesn't seem all that criminal.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
OFF SUNSET by Mark Ogden
This first-person vampire story has a very engaging voice that
immediately drew me in and kept me reading to the end of the chapter.
The voice is consistent and strong, which is critical to making the
character believable. The plot also has some fun and interesting
elements--the vampire helping celebrities look young by biting them,
and the rules by which vampires really live. I have a few suggestions
to strengthen this, which I'll put at the end of my critique. More
than suggestions, though, I have some observations and some cautions.
As I've said here before, it's very hard to write a fresh vampire
story. So much has been written in the last twenty years, it's very
hard for a writer to carve out his own territory in this subgenre.
This chapter, for the most part, succeeds at feeling fresh and bold,
though it does incorporate a number of elements that have been used by
other authors in vampire stories. Many vampire stories have been set
in California, dealing with Hollywood, celebrity, and eternal youth.
Many have been written using a hip, brash style. Many have been
written where vampires can go out in sunlight and break other
traditional vampire rules. Many have been written where vampirism is
spread through a virus or other biological agent. At least one story,
"Origin of Species" by A. M. Dellamonica, has been written about
vampires evolving over time (I know about this one because I included
it in my anthology, THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING). And of course
Anne Rice's INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE has a vampire telling his life
story into a tape recorder.
This doesn't mean that you can't use any of these elements. If
authors didn't use elements that had been used before, we wouldn't be
writing anything. Often, familiar elements can be combined to create
something new. That's how George Lucas created "Star Wars." That's
how Stephen King created the Dark Tower (he wanted to combine THE LORD
OF THE RINGS and "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"). But working in
an area that has been so thoroughly explored in recent years makes
this a challenge. As I read this chapter, I recognized the familiar
elements, but they didn't bother me because I was having too much fun
with the voice and what the voice was telling me. Whether the voice
and the plot can keep me reading through an entire novel, I'm not
sure. The voice won't be able to do it on its own. I will have to
care about the characters and be involved in the plot, and the book
will need to more firmly stake out its own territory and distinguish
itself from other vampire books I've read.
As far as I can tell, the plot hasn't really started yet in this
chapter, which illustrates the validity of one of the most profound
writing rules we have: You can get away with whatever you can get
away with.
Most of the chapter is exposition, as the vampire explains the rules
of being a vampire. Having so much exposition (background
information) in a big lump is generally a very bad idea. Any writing
book you pick up will tell you not to do this. In addition, nothing
of significance changes for the main character in this chapter. He
has an encounter with one of his usual celebrity clients and starts
telling his life story, but it seems his life at the end of the
chapter is pretty much the same as it was at the beginning. Most
writing books will tell you that something significant should change
for the main character in every scene. So the chapter breaks two
basic writing rules. The story, however, is so entertaining that I
didn't mind at all. Thus the most profound rule -- you can break any
writing rules you want as long as the reader doesn't mind. It's not
easy to break rules and still write a strong story; that's how these
rules became rules in the first place. But it is possible, and that's
a good lesson for all writers to remember. I wouldn't suggest that
you continue to break these rules in future chapters; I think the plot
needs to kick in big-time in Chapter 2. But it's a testament to the
strong voice, intriguing situation, and compelling images you created
that you have succeeded so well in this chapter.
I did find some weaknesses in this chapter, which I'll address here:
* Insufficient motivation:
We need to believe that the characters are motivated to do what you
say they do. Otherwise, the characters feel like the puppets of the
author, and they never come to life as real, believable people.
Several times, I felt you were forcing the characters to do things
they had no reason to do. The first is on p. 2, where the narrator is
trying to race away from his vampiric urges on the highway: "What in
heaven's name put that idea into my head I'll never know." Well, we
know. It was the author, who was looking for a snappy opening. I
really liked the opening of the vampire racing down the highway, but
when I got to this, I was extremely disappointed, since I realized
that the character had no reason to be doing this and the author had
forced the situation. The further I read, the less sense the opening
made. If the vampire has clients who pay him to bite them, and the
bite causes them no harm, why is he fighting the urge? You never
establish this.
Later, when the actress asks the narrator to tell his life into a tape
recorder, he explains why he doesn't want to do this, and then goes on
to do it. I have no idea why. It seems unmotivated.
Also, the actress says she wants his life story, and then later says
she doesn't really want his life story; she wants a summer
blockbuster. If she doesn't want his real life story, then she
shouldn't ask for it in the first place.
* Meaning what you say:
In the previous section, I pointed out several instances where you
didn't seem to really mean what you said. This happens at other times
as well. For example, on p. 2, you say the actress is "stark naked but
for her usual post-coital terry cloth robe." Someone wearing a robe
is not stark naked, and by putting stark naked so much before robe,
you make us think she is naked. I form an image of her naked on the
couch before I get to the word robe, and then when I do, I have to
completely redo my image, which is hard for any reader to do. You
should never say something that isn't true, or something that you
don't really mean. The author has to earn the reader's trust, and if
the reader starts to doubt the author, the whole story falls apart.
You could easily say she's wearing a robe with nothing underneath.
Another example on p. 2: "Not only do the gods look down and laugh,
they make rude farting noises." You don't really mean this. The gods
aren't doing anything. This is just the character running off at the
mouth, and this is something you have to be very careful of when
writing in the first person. The narrator becoming too talky is one
of the common weaknesses of first person that wrecks many first-person
stories. The paragraph on p. 7 that begins, "So apart from liking
cats, thunderstorms, spicy food and dancing, I think that about sums
up me in a nutshell" seems talky and unnecessary, as if the narrator's
voice has gotten away from the author.
When you say that the vampire keeps a jug of holy water in his fridge,
I don't believe you, since I've been doubting some of what you say,
and you don't explain his motivation for doing this.
* Saying what you mean:
Sometimes authors don't quite choose the right words or phrasing,
which leads to them not quite saying what they mean. For example,
"Thrusting my lap into the air, she flies up a bit and I work my hand
into her robe to slap her backside." I'm lost in this one. I don't
think she can thrust the narrator's lap into the air, which is what
this sentence claims. I think what you mean is that the narrator
thrusts his own lap into the air. If that's what you mean to say,
then the opening phrase is a dangling modifier. You would need to
rephrase: "As I thrust my lap into the air, she flies up a bit and I
work my hand into her robe..."
* Taking your reader into account:
I think it's safe to say that anyone who reads this book will have
been exposed to vampire stories before. So your introduction of the
topic on p. 4 seems like you are making too much ado about vampirism.
The narrator says, "I am a vampire. Seriously.... Attend please. I'm
only going over this once." This section plays up the revelation like
it's a big deal, when I'm feeling pretty ho hum about the whole thing.
Don't overplay your hand.
* The rules of vampirism:
I get a bit confused during your explanation of the rules. By talking
about evolution, you make me think that vampires are a separate
species, meaning that one would be born a vampire. But later you say
that a person will become bisexual when he becomes a vampire, which
implies that one is not born a vampire. You never explain how one
does become a vampire, so that's confusing.
That's about it. The chapter has strong writing and a strong voice,
and is a lot of fun to read. I hope my comments are helpful as you
work on the rest of the book.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING & author of INVOKING DARKNESS
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all April nominations beginning May 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Heidi Kneale
Submission: Thistledown: Genesis, chapter 4 by Nellie Vrolyk
Submitted by: Nellie Vrolyk
Nominator's Comments: Heidi has given me much to think about when it
comes to character motivation among other things in this review. All
of Heidi's reviews of my story have been very helpful.
Reviewer: B.K. Dunn
Submission: The Traveler's Daughter; Chapter 1 - The Rendering by
Miquela Faure
Submitted by: Miquela Faure
Nominator's Comments: BK takes a person seriously when she says she
wants honesty, and I appreciate that very much. He pointed out
several things that could be strengthened in the chapter, so much so
that it looks like a negative crit. However, because of his wording,
his obvious desire to help, his offering of useful solutions, it
didn't come across as too harsh. Thanks, BK!
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during March include: Heidi
Anderson, Bonnie Egerton, Tyler Enfield, Miquela Faure (3), Rabia
Gale, elizabeth hull (2), michael keyton, Sharon Lee McGraw, Lizzie
Newell, Lawrence Payne, Steve Ramey (2), Daniel Sackinger (2), Jay
Sauls, Michael Sawyer, PJ Thompson, Nellie Vrolyk, Jeff Weitzel, and
Maria Zannini.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in March can be still found until May 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
Elizabeth Bear reports that her novel HAMMERED is #3 on the April
Locus best seller list, that her novellette "This Tragic Glass" was
longlisted for the Tiptree, and that just sold workshopped story "And
the Deep Blue Sea" to _SciFiction_, "for which thanks go out to John
Tremlett, Chris Coen, Kathryn Allen, Craig Hickman, and Ejner
Fulsang." That's not a bad year... and she did it all in one month.
It's about time! J. M. (Mike the Janitor) Blumer, of Serendip fame,
just signed a contract with YA publisher Windstorm Creative for THE
BOOK OF SECOND CHANCES. He reports that "They have first refusal
rights on 4 more in the series. I guess I'll have to get a typewriter
for the basement of the Serendip."
Leah Bobet IM'd the newsletter editor a couple nights ago with this
news: "THE YEAR'S BEST FOR TEENS antho with my monkey story in it is
out. That be all. :)" That be pretty good!
We hear strangled rumors that Hannah Bowen sold a story to _ChiZine_
(http://www.chizine.com) that was tattoed on the skin of a former
editor she had ritually killed and flayed. No word yet on the
publication date. Perhaps Hannah will email us with any corrections or
addendums.
S. Evans didn't report any news this month. This is just a note to let
her know that we're concerned.
Charles Coleman Finlay's short story collection WILD THINGS is now
available for preorder from Subterranean Press. There's a limited
edition of 250 signed numbered copies, containing an exclusive
chapbook for $40, and a fully clothbound hardcover for $25. To order
either one, go to:
(http://www.subterraneanpress.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&
Store_Co de=SP&Product_Code=finlay)
Simon Haynes, better known until now for being the creator of SONAR,
which many OWW members use to track their submissions, sold a series
of three novels featuring Hal Spacejock to Fremantle Arts Centre
Press. The first title will appear in November 2005.
Nora Jemison saw her fantasy short story "L'Alchimista" in SCATTERED
COVERED SMOTHERED (http://www.jasonlundberg.net/twocranes/scs.html).
And her fantasy erotica short story "Red Riding-Hood's Child" was
published in _Fishnet_ (http://www.fishnetmag.com/) in just the last
week or so.
Vylar Kaftan sold his story "She Called Me Baby" to _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) He says, "I workshopped the story on
OWW and got great feedback on it which really improved the story. And
I wish I'd written down who critted it. This is one of the first
stories I put up, and I didn't know that feedback would vanish when I
deleted it." Whoops. Sorry.
It must be spring -- sales are blooming everywhere. Sandra McDonald
sold her story "The Heirs of Cenpa" to _Lone Star Stories_
(http://literary.erictmarin.com/) and her story "The Writer's Orchard"
to new publication _Fictitious Force_
(http://www.fictitiousforce.com).
Steve Nagy sold his story "A Paradigm of Coats" to _Lenox Avenue_
(www.lenoxavemag.com/lenoxavemag/) for their July/August 2005 issue.
He wrote "Thanks to eBear a bit for this one. If you hadn't sold them
a story, they wouldn't have come on my radar."
Ruth Nestvold sold "Feather and Ring" to _Asimov's_ and "Rivers of
Eden" (co-written with Jay Lake) to _Futurismic_
(http://futurismic.com/fiction). Ruth says that "'Feather and Ring"
went through the workshop ages ago, and I don't know anymore who
helped me out with it -- but thanks to them all anyway. 'Rivers of
Eden' went through only recently, and I'd like to thank Wade White,
Daniel Sackinger, Jeff Spock, Linda Dicmanis, and Robert Haynes for
their help in whipping it into shape."
AndrŽ Oosterman writes: "Dear OWW: I don't know what's happening, but
for some strange reason people started buying my stories. I just sold
'The Island of Dmitri Ivanovich Mendeleyev' to _SFFH_
(http://www.sciencefictionfantasyhorror.com). This is the third sale
in three months, after a barren spell of over a year. As always, the
story greatly benefited from reviews of Gene Spears, Carlos
Jimenez-Cortes, Travis Jeffers, Treize Armistedian and Zvi Zaks.
Thanks a bunch, guys." Dear AndrŽ: We suspect what's happening has
something to do with those folks mentioned there at the end. Call it
wild speculation....
Much-loved OWW alum Sarah Prineas sold her short story "Crow's
Changeling" to _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com).
Michelle Thuma recently sold her fantasy short story "Echoes of Me" to
_Realms of Fantasy_. Or, as she said, "WOOOOoooooooOOOooo!"
Steve Westcott sold two stories, "Hell's Bells and Bunny
Resurrection," to _Eternal Night_ webzine
(http://www.eternalnight.co.uk/). He adds, "'Hell's Bells' was
workshopped around eighteen months ago with 'Bunny Resurrection' being
a new story, ready in time for the Easter break. I also have my next
two novels under consideration with a UK publishing house. Many thanks
to the workshop and my critter buddies. Without the support and useful
crits I would not be where I am now. Struggling! No, seriously. Many
thanks to you all for helping me hone my meagre writing skills." Not
so meagre, we think.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 4/20: 647 paying, 57 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 531
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 81.2%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 1.9%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.30
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 702.82
Number of submissions in March: 402
Number of reviews in March: 1704
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March: 4.24
Estimated average word count per review in March: 762.52
Number of submissions in April to date: 290
Number of reviews in April to date: 1652
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April to date: 5.70
Estimated average word count per review in April to date: 774.80
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 26 (4.9% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 1
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 8
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 17
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2005 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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