O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, January 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
2005 in review
February writing challenge
Market information
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for October submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
2005 IN REVIEW
2005 was the best year ever for OWWriters as a group. The following
OWWers sold novels in 2005: Elizabeth Bear (two books to Roc/Ace and
two books to Bantam Spectra), Mike Blumer (Windstorm Creative), Sam
Butler (three books to Tor), Cat Collins (Five Star), Chris Dolley
(Baen and the Science Fiction Book Club), Ilona and Andrew Gordon (two
books to Ace), Simon Haynes (Fremantle Arts Centre Press), Tamara
Siler Jones, Dena Landon, Sandra McDonald (two books to Tor), and
Joshua Palmatier (three books to DAW). Other current and former OWWers
had books published in 2005: R. Scott Bakker, Elizabeth Bear, Charles
Coleman Finlay, Karin Lowachee, and Karen Miller. Karen Miller's
novel was a #1 fantasy bestseller in Australia.
The following members made their first sale to a professional market
in 2005: Sam Butler, Chris Dolley, Way Jeng, Amanda Oestman, Joshua
Palmatier, Marguerite Reed, Debbie Smith, and Jeremy Yoder. We're sure
there are more, but they just forgot to tell us. OWW members had
sales to _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_, _Asimov's_, _F&SF_,
_Interzone_, _On Spec_, _Realms of Fantasy_, _Sci Fiction_, _Strange
Horizons_, _The Third Alternative_, and dozens of other magazines and
anthologies. Well over a dozen members were selected to attend the
professional summer writing workshops at Clarion, Clarion West,
Clarion South, and Odyssey. And OWWer Leah Bobet, OWW admin Charles
Coleman Finlay, and OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link all had stories
appear in Year's Best collections.
In 2005 award news, OWWer Benjamin Rosenbaum was nominated for the
Hugo, Charles Coleman Finlay for the Spectrum, and Karen Miller for
the Aurealis. They were almost outnumbered by the award winners:
Catherine M. Morrison won the 2005 Darrell Award for Best Midsouth
Short Story, John Schoffstall won the Grand Prize in the Writers of
the Future Contest, and Elizabeth Bear won the John W. Campbell Award
for Best New Writer! To top it off, OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link
won the Hugo Award.
Given that kind of year, you think OWW staff would be pretty satisfied
to rest on our laurels. Instead we made quite a few small
improvements in 2005: moving the workshop to a dedicated server with
more frequent backups and hardware/software improvements, adding the
word count feature to the submission list, expanding the submission
selector to include subgenres and readerships, and redesigning the
member directory listings, including adding links to blogs. More
importantly, at the end of the year we launched a wiki for
members--the OWW Writer Space--and opened the workshop to children's
speculative fiction. Oh, and we made OWW t-shirts and other fun OWW
stuff permanaently available through CafePress.
We've got more in store for 2006 -- and we hope you do too! Here's
wishing all OWWers the best in the new year.
FEBRUARY WRITING CHALLENGE
Jodi, OWW Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace,
writes:
This challenge is from Celia, our former Challenge Dictator--
"The hazards of inter-species dating."
Just in time for Valentine's Day!
Remember: These are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to stretch
yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've never tried
space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be great. It's all
about trying new things. There's no word limit, no time limit, no
nothin'. Just have fun. :)
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until February
first. Include "February Challenge" in your title so you can show off
how fancy you are to all your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges
or the Challenge home page at: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
MARKET INFORMATION
OWWer (and Managing Editor of _Abyss and Apex_) Wendy S. Delmater
sends us this anouncement:
Did you know that last year four _Abyss and Apex_ stories received
honorable mentions in Year's Best anthologies? _Locus_ is begining to
mention our fiction, and last year our genre poetry captured the SF
Poetry Association's highest award, the Rhysling. A&A is having a
fundraising drive -- with a twist. You can make a one-time donation.
But, starting in January, we've also set up a business Paypal page to
take $5 monthly automatic withdrawals. Donors who give this small
amount on a monthly basis will receive a thank-you gift book after three
months of giving. Authors who wish to donate a book as a donor premium
should contact the editors. Only 30 auto-donors are needed to fund us
for a year. Please give what you can so that we can continue to
publish the best in speculative fiction!
For more information, visit: http://www.abyssandapex.com/support.html
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks
and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
MIDNIGHT MIRACLES CH 1 by Roger Davey
Roger Davey's MIDNIGHT MIRACLES caught and held my attention with a
nicely detailed POV character and a situation that made me want to
continue reading. This first chapter in the second book of Davey's
three-book series could be lengthened to address the tension
imbalance. Coming to this chapter cold, without having read book one,
does not seem to be a roadblock at the moment, but this chapter was so
short it was difficult to know how the story linked to the first book.
The chapter opens with the apprentice, Nicholas, closing up shop and
then receiving a "gift" from his master, which turns out to be a man's
arm recently detached from the torso. It's a very good specimen for
dissection, which Halston, the master surgeon, orders Nicholas to
study after dinner. The conversation at dinner reveals the beginning
of a mystery -- the Grand Duchess is ill and her physician is a
decrepit man rumored to be impotent against whatever ails the woman.
Halston seems to know more than he reveals, but sends Nicholas back
down to the surgery for his lesson in dissecting and sketching. While
there, Nicholas is visited by an unseen and unnamed spectre that
leaves a message in blood on the wall.
The small details worked for me, grounding me in that place. For an
opening chapter of a second book that does not go into a summary of
the first book or feel like we entered in media res, I thought these
details were solid cornerstones. "Nicholas followed his master to the
storeroom, where the various specimens floated in jars of preserving
fluid, and old Bonesy hung loose-jawed from his ceiling-hook." Bonesy
is a great name for something so minor. It helped me sense how
Nicholas -- as the POV character -- feels about his surroundings
without long-winded exposition (which helps keep reader attention and
can show growth of character through unfolding events).
"Nicholas tried not to look at the discolured fingernails; a dead
person's fingernails were always so human. To Nicholas, no other part
of a corpse said, 'I used to be alive', quite like the fingernails." I
really liked this bit, but still wanted to know more. How were the
nails discolored and what about them made Nicholas think of life --
this could have been expanded to start showing more depth of character
(is he a rationalist, a poet, a dreamer, etc.). It's a good start, I
just wanted more sensory details to fully show the scene.
"Another winter's evening was setting in, all cold grey gloom and
dripping thatch. Even as Nicholas watched, a lone trudger-by lost his
shoe in the sucking mud. What a lousy evening to be out." These are
great details at the beginning and then partway through the opening to
help me see the place. I would have liked a little more description of
the building -- mud just outside the window makes me think the surgery
is on the ground floor of a multi-story (at least two) building (since
they go up into the kitchen for dinner), and that Rumbossa is larger
than a farming village to impose a curfew or be in need of a surgeon.
I also think, based on the conversation of the Grand Duchess, that
Rumbossa is large enough to host a palace and a river. But most of
these assumptions aren't based on actual content, so I recommend
adding a small bit of exposition for setting.
Another good scene from this chapter was the conversation with Fran,
the housekeeper. She's described by Nicholas as having "Wisps of
steel grey hair dangled from beneath her woollen hat, and her plump
cheeks were red in the firelight" but she was timid. "She had
something to say. Nicholas loved Fran, but couldn't understand why she
was quite so timid. Halston was a proud man, but he was never violent;
besides, she was a servant, not the man's wife. Fran was a timid
soul." I like this bit, which serves to show both some characteristics
of Halston and Fran, but I'm missing the point connecting timidity and
being a wife in this culture. Obviously, we can't read a long
explanation of the gender culture in Rumbossa, but this sentence could
be clarified to give us both a stronger impression of how Nicholas
thinks Halston treats women and the culture in which they all live
(even if all of that were described in the previous book). This would
also help set up the mystery of the Grand Duchess's illness, which
seems to have some great importance for the surgeons.
"'There are seven physicians in Rumbossa, including Doctor Darius
Grey.' Halston turned to Nicholas, and smiled. 'Leo's old teacher, did
you know?' A memory flashed into Nicholas's head: stumbling across a
pale corpse on the stone floor of St Elmo's Priory...Was it only
eighteen months since he'd arrived in Rumbossa to begin his medical
studies under the famous Brother Dromwell? It felt like yesterday.
That was the shock that changed everything for me, Nicholas thought.
My chance to enter the medical profession died with Brother Leo, and
now look at me -- in this house, apprenticed in the surgeon-barber's
trade." This is great background information, but it's unclear how
Nicholas feels about his new profession. I get a whiff of uncertainty,
perhaps unhappiness, but it's far too subtle. Clarify how Nicholas
feels about his situation and this bit about his past might have more
impact. I also wanted to know the difference between a "physician" and
a "surgeon-barber" in this world. The difference seems to be
important.
The imbalance of this chapter comes towards the end when the unseen
unnatural force invades the surgery where Nicholas is studying the
severed and dissected arm. A cryptic message appears in blood on the
wall, and gust of wind blows papers and knocks over containers. The
introduction of the arm at the beginning of the chapter combined with
Halston's unspoken interest in the Grand Duchess's illness make me
think one or two of those things are connected. With the arrival of
the unnatural force (ghost? magical wind?), I keep expecting to see
some hint or two about this book's overriding plot arc. What exactly
is this book going to be about--the Grand Duchess's illness? A
necromancer? A fight between the physicians and surgeon-barbers?
Clarify what the central conflict might be--alluding to it here, which
is what I think Davey tried to do, can set the plot-wheels in motion
and pull the reader right into the next chapter. And the next. The
momentum of this chapter was stopped too abruptly, and it suffers
because of it.
Overall, this chapter has a great foundation. Davey is doing a very
good job using grounding details to show character, setting, and
backstory. The chapter is a bit uneven because of its abrupt ending,
which I think could be lengthened to heighten tension and set the
stage for the book's overarching conflict, and some setting details at
the beginning can help place these characters in the city, even just
as a reminder to the readers returning to the series. I very much
liked the way Davey did not go into lengthy details recapping the
events of the previous book, but using small bits of exposition to
weave together the two books is also necessary (depending on the kind
of series he's writing). This is a promising start, and I wish Roger
Davey the best with book two.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
MORTIFIED, CHAPTER ONE by Kim J Zimring
I've actually clumped the Prologue and Chapter 1 in for this selection
because the Prologue was short enough. The first thing is I'm not so
fond of the title, but those are always open to change, especially
once the book is completed.
The opening paragraphs of the Colonel grieving over his son, with the
connection to the wormhole, immediately give the impression that this
will be a character-driven tale. The confusion and sense of numbness
make him identifiable. All of the questions he has about why his son
suicided embed in the reader to ask the same questions, which is good
for the beginning of a book as it plants curiosity, something that
will drive the reader to turn the page.
"That was grief at the edge of the normal space, maybe; the equations
were unequal." Connecting the science to the emotion is beautifully
done. It makes a metaphor of the situation set up here in the
prologue, that the rest of the novel will expand on. Writing this way
in "tiers" instead of just something plain and plot-driven makes the
world resound a little deeper.
The break at the end of the Prologue was jarring, though, as what
followed is only a couple lines. I would suggest flowing it all
together with a connecting thought, something like:
He wished he wasn't going to wake up again tomorrow and put his
uniform on and play colonel like it was possible to start another day.
But of course he did, he started again, and two weeks later the Io
station was attacked by an unknown enemy, coming though the wormhole
and putting a bolt-blast through its side.
This doesn't allow the reader to pause on the thought or the emotion
already introduced. The very last line of the Prologue is powerful
emotionally and stands well as a temporary "conclusion."
The first chapter segues nicely, carrying over all the questions. The
reader quickly makes the connection between the Colonel here and the
one in the Prologue, even before it's said explicitly, because the
set-up is all there. The prose reads very easily, the internal voice
of Stephen a light one that gives a little of his personality, but it
may have gone a little too overboard (see further down in my
comments). Though he doesn't know what's going on, he's got some sort
of instincts about the situation. We only know barely more than he
does, so the discovery is in tandem. I especially enjoyed his astute
observations that allude to an alien presence, and the discomfort he
draws from it. "It felt alien, Stephen decided, and not just because
he didn't recognize anything. It was the scale of the place: the
aisles were too wide, the readout panels too low, as if built for the
convenience of something smaller and broader than a human. The air was
thicker than normal, too; musty and organic, with a metallic tang
hinting at an atmosphere of somewhere not-quite-Earth.
"He shivered, more from a bone-deep feeling of the creeps than from
the cold. The tanks on either side of him were sealed, and Stephen
wasn't sure if he wanted to know what, or who, was hidden down inside
them. They looked uncomfortably like coffins, arrayed upright in rank
and file formation as if for some strange post-humous review."
This is a tight third-person, and filtering the descriptions through
his eyes creates suspense and a way to drop clues that may either be
undercut or fully explained later. If the character is ill at ease,
this alerts the reader to be as well. I find the short paragraphs to
be a little too breezy, however. What does the Colonel look like from
Stephen's point of view? What of the other people standing around him,
not that there needs to be a truckload of description but picking one
or two faces that he might focus on just to further enhance his sense
of dislocation and confusion?
"Wake up with alien machinery in every orifice and no memory of what
happened to you and all of a sudden you're an object of suspicion."
The blase observation seems out of place, considering the fact he's
surrounded by military men and he has no real idea what is going on.
It also directly conflicts with the tone set up in the Prologue. It
becomes kind of jaunty and devil-may-care, which one could chalk up to
Stephen's personality, but it doesn't sit well with the apparent
situation. When Redlake introduces himself to Stephen this also seemed
unusual; Redlake was just given an order by his Colonel, it seems
unlikely he would volunteer a connection beyond what his orders were.
When it becomes apparent that Redlake is more of a biologist than a
soldier, his behavior still seems too cavalier. There should be some
sort of decontamination and seclusion procedure for a specimen found
in an alien tank, and certainly a mild interrogation of what Stephen
might remember that would be more formal, especially considering his
discovery comes after an alien attack on a human space station. Though
these details might disrupt the story as it is being told, they are
practicalities that might raise unwanted questions in the reader when
the reader ought to be concentrating on what is actually going on and
what might happen.
"What you don't know, you can't report, Stephen thought, feeling a
sudden rush of gratitude to Redlake. Maybe he had one ally in the
room." This especially is highly unusual. Something wrong in Stephen
can jeopardize everyone in the company and hardly something someone
like Redlake would overlook for the sake of Stephen's feelings. It's
difficult sometimes to be very accurate when dealing with specific
professions (military, scientific, etc) but any genre writer has to be
careful of the professional bounds and expectations because there will
always be readers who will know the difference. One also just wants to
be as accurate as possible for the sake of the story.
"Just keep on being a perfectly normal human being." How does Redlake
know that when he's done no conclusive tests? Just by appearances?
The release of the alien without any actual caution or protocol
doesn't seem realistic. By this point the reader has lost faith in the
details of the story and its revelations, because they seem to be
serving what the writer wants to get out rather than the internal
logic of the plot or characters. Redlake becomes the focus when the
initial interest was firmly on the Colonel because of the Prologue.
Stephen's point of view is quick and light, yet the situation is
severe. The contradictions provide an unease and unbelievability in
the reading, in addition to the character decisions and procedures
that don't quite ring true.
Still, there is interest in really what is going on, so the
underpinnings of the plot, the idea and the characters, are all there
in order to tell a good story. When using "bug aliens" and invasion,
which has been done a bazillion times before in science fiction, the
story reallly then has to rest on execution of details and
believability of characters, the things that will set your work apart
from its precedents because it is in your voice.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choices, Short Story:
"Fire in the Mountain" by Matthew Herreshoff
This was a pleasant and fairly gentle picaresque tall tale about a
young man named Ralphie who is "haunted by barbecue." We follow him as
he drives across the country and back again, stopping whenever he
comes across gentlemen barbecuers. He provides beer, tries the
different styles of barbecue, listens to some tall tales, and tries to
pinpoint the current location of a legendary barbecue master named Mr.
Otis, who is supernaturally old, possibly otherworldly, and who seems
to be followed by fire and birds wherever he goes. In the end, of
course, Ralphie finds Mr. Otis, samples his barbecue, and discovers a
firebird's egg in Mr. Otis's firebox, which promptly hatches and sets
fire to the mountainside -- although this doesn't seem to upset Mr.
Otis too much. There's not much to the story, but the voice of the
story is tremendously appealing, and the characters are all amiably
sketched people; throughout, the dialogue is homespun, witty and well
chewed. For example, the following exchange:
Mr. K looked up from his grill as Ralphie got out of his truck. "The
boy who loved barbecue," he greeted Ralphie. "Care to join me?"
"Pleased to, Mr. Knauer," Ralphie said. "Pull up a piece of grass,"
the old man said, and Ralphie did. "I figured I hadn't seen the last
of you." "And I was worried you might have forgotten me." "Of course
not. What brings you by?" "The pleasure of your company?" Ralphie
said, smiling. Mr. K smiled back. "It's a sin to tell a lie, Ralphie."
"That's more of a fib than a lie," Ralphie said, "as I do enjoy seeing
you again. Would you believe I stopped by because I was hungry?" "A
man can be hungry for many things," Mr. K said. "For food, for sex,
even for righteousness like the Good Book says. Man is a hungry
animal, Ralphie, and you are a hungry man. I'll believe that much."
I don't have any major fixes to suggest, but I do have some minor
comments. For one thing, I would cut "Don't stop" from the second
(first long) paragraph in the first section: "You take the four-lane
to the two-lane. Keep going. You'll pass a field full of boulders,
some the size of houses, some the size of barns, sitting there as
though they were set down by some ancient god. Don't stop." For one
thing, it breaks the flow. For another, it doesn't feel exactly in the
voice of this story. This isn't a story where people come to abrupt
stops. I'd also suggest cutting the last paragraph in this section,
the one in italics: " As Ralphie Adams thought about the trip ahead,
he found himself retracing the journey he had already taken." There's
no need to set up the ending so plainly. Instead, this section just
jumps me right out of the story. It feels like a piece of scaffolding
that needs to be taken down now that the story is complete.
The other thing that I would suggest thinking about is Ralphie. Why
has he chosen now to go in search of barbecue? We're told that he's a
young man, but we don't know anything about his life in between the
first time he tries his neighbor's barbecue, and his sudden return for
seconds. As far as protagonists go, he's footloose and fancy free. He
seems to have no obligations, and although that makes for an
attractive character, it also means that the story has slightly less
weight. So I'll ask one more time: where is he coming from? What does
he want in his life (other than good barbecue?) Is this just a road
trip, a one-time adventure, or is there something more at stake? Is
Ralphie choosing between two kinds of lives? Is he running away from
something? What has happened to set the story in motion, and what will
Ralphie go back to (or not go back to?) When he shows up at his
childhood neighbor's house, Mr. Knauer, what about Ralphie's actual
childhood house? What about his parents? Do they still live there? Are
they alive or dead? Why is Ralphie more focused on barbecue than on
the house where he was a child?
My last question has to do with the very ending. There is a firebird,
and the mountain is going up in flames. Ralphie is driving away.
Behind the firebird (what does it mean, exactly, when you say
"behind") is "Mr. Otis, larger than life, standing like a titan amidst
the flames." It's hard to know whether the reader is supposed to take
this literally -- yes, Mr. Otis is larger than a human being and yes,
he is standing in flames without burning - or whether the description
is more figurative than literal. I'm not sure how much it matters, but
it might be useful to know that it isn't clear. More importantly, what
does is mean that Ralphie is driving away? It's an exhilarating
ending, but I'm not sure where Ralphie is going, or whether he finally
found the thing that he needed to find. Mr. Otis has given him some
advice about barbecue, but it might give the story more of a
satisfying feeling if there were a way for the reader to map that
advice onto Ralphie's life and his future as well.
Good luck with this. I'm in North Carolina at the moment, and the
barbecue is fantastic.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
"Sister of the Benevolent Gods" by Regina Patton
This was a strong although problematic early draft of a story about a
mortal woman who was once a god, and how she goes back as an old woman
to the mountain where the gods live to see her family one last time
and witness a wedding. The narrator, Addie, upon discovering that her
nephew, a god, is about to wed a mortal woman, interferes with this
arrangement, because she believes the bride will not be happy. Addie
challenges various members of her family, and also (for reasons which
seem confused and poorly thought out) eats an apple which makes her a
goddess once more (although at no point does she appear to want to be
immortal again). Although her plan to thwart the wedding is thwarted
in turn, the bride (and new goddess/family member) arranges for Addie
to return to her husband again, and the story ends.
The story is told in first person, present tense, and I don't have too
much trouble with either of those things -- in fact, at the beginning
the narrator's voice is tremendously appealing. There's an excellent
insight into the difference between gods and mortals right away, as
the narrator's husband asks if she is bringing a gift. "[He knows] I
rarely think of such things. I was raised with the gods, and we don't
give gifts; we are the gift." That's a wonderful and true-feeling
aside, and I read the story hoping for other insights into the
difference between mortals and gods, but as the story goes on, we
don't get much more in the same vein. Instead we get a lot of plot
complications and tantrums from Addie, without ever really
understanding why she ever fell out with her relatives and rejected
immortality in the first place.
Let's start with the relative ages of Addie and the other gods. We're
told that Addie rejected immortality when she was twenty. We're also
told that her nephew Kratus, the groom, was a toddler the last time
that she saw him. All of Addie's brothers don't seem to be that much
older than she is - only shinier and more immortal. Addie's father,
we're told (far too late in the story) is retired, and now lives in a
mirror. He seems to have given up any power than he might once have
had, as Addie easily bests him and her mother by trapping them in a
shard of the mirror, and threatening to smash them. So how are these
gods and this wedding, and Addie's reunion with her family, really any
different from an ordinary family reunion in which the narrator has
been estranged since early adulthood? Why are all these gods so young?
Why are they all so close in age, and why is Addie (newly restored to
godhood) so much stronger than her parents? And most importantly, why
did she give up her family and her immortality when she was twenty?
What was the thing that drove her away?
The interesting thing here is that Addie forces the mortal bride,
Berdina, to learn why Addie left her family behind. But she does this
in such a way that Berdina, and not the reader, comes away with a
fuller understanding. My thought here is that if it's important for
Berdina to know, then it's important for the reader to know as well.
If you really want to keep Addie's reasons obscure, you'll have to
work a lot harder to make the story cohere in a satisfying way.
Overall, Addie behaves in the story as a spoiled adolescent girl would
behave, and not as an older, mortal woman. She doesn't go to see her
mother or her father when she arrives. She doesn't talk through her
concerns about the marriage of Berdina with Berdina's mortal family
(who may or may not be on the mountain - it isn't clear, though it
needs to be.) She eats an apple which the reader knows will give her
immortality, and even this comes across in a way that reflects badly
on Addie. I can't believe that she's such an idiot that she doesn't
understand the warning that her brother gives her, and so I end up
thinking that she wants her immortality back, but wants to pretend to
herself that she hasn't made such a choice. Then she takes her parents
hostage and makes a scene at Berdina's and Kratus's wedding and in
effect tells her brother that "you're not the boss of me."
It isn't necessarily the worst thing to have an impetuous and
trouble-making point-of-view character. But it's probably a good idea
to give them moments of insight into their own character, and points
at which they behave reasonably as well as badly. Addie seems to be
angry at her family because they're chauvinistic and condescending,
but we really don't ever see this. I like the idea of benevolent gods
who have flaws as well, but we don't really see the flaws. And we
don't get the pleasure that most family reunion stories offer: Addie
and her family never have one of those comfortable scenes where we see
the good aspects of family life, the good things that Addie chose to
give up to become mortal.
At the moment this story feels too rushed. Slow it down a bit. Show us
Addie with her mother, and Addie with some of her other brothers. Tell
us how hard the climb up the mountain is, and what the climb was like
when she first came down from being a goddess. Tell us something about
her other visits -- how often, and does she always pick fights? Has
she brought her children before? Do her benevolent god family watch
after her and her mortal family? What does Addie do in her mortal
life? What is her relationship with her mortal family like? Has her
relationship with her children changed the way she sees her own
family? Are her own children married? Why did they move far away from
the mountain and her?
When Addie throws the cup of wine in Math's face and storms off, why
doesn't anyone follow her? Her mother? One of her other brothers? And
has someone taken over the duties that Addie used to have as a god?
As the narrative builds, I become less and less engaged. Addie's
behavior becomes more extreme, and more foolish, and I understand less
and less of the rules of this story -- why her parents are powerless
in their mirror, why they aren't at the wedding instead of in the cave
with Addie, why Addie faints when she eats the apple, whether or not
putting her memories into the pool means that she no longer remembers
why she decided to leave her family -- and why anyone would bother to
keep their memories in a pool in the first place. It seems like an odd
place to keep them. Finally, why hasn't Addie simply asked her family
to make Petr, her husband, immortal as well? Why did she give up her
immortality as well as life with her family? Why didn't she just run
away to be immortal somewhere else? What is it that the mortal life
promised, and was that promise kept? Judging from her behavior at the
wedding, I don't think it was. Why does Addie feel betrayed by
Berdina's choice to marry a god and become a god? "Betrayed" is a very
odd word to use.
I'm not going to give you too much feedback on the sentence level.
There are a lot of typos and other minor catches, but I see that
you've already gotten a lot of useful feedback on the sentence level
in the critiques. (And because it came up in the critiques, I'd like
to add my two cents' worth: speech tags really aren't that annoying.
In fact, I find them much less annoying than going out of the way to
avoid using speech tags by replacing them with minor, fiddly
identifying character actions like shrugging or various kinds of
grimacing or having characters pick up things and put them down.) I
might think twice about telling us that Berdina is from Ethiopia - as
far as settings go, it makes this one too much from this world, and
yet these aren't a pantheon of gods that I recognize. I'd also look
out for more contemporary slang like "Hail, hail, the gang's all
here." That doesn't ring right.
One last thing: the ending is cute, but it doesn't quite satisfy. If I
were someone's husband and my wife came home immortal, beautiful,
young, and also missing an eye, I wouldn't immediately attempt to make
love to them. I'd want to know the story. I'd ask how they lost their
eye. It's a more satisfying ending if Petr asks Addie to tell her
story than if we fade out on their lovemaking. And frankly, it says
more about their marriage as well, and why she chose him.
Good luck with this. You've got a lot of interesting and original
material to work with, and I found Addie's voice compelling even when
I thought she was being an utter idiot.
--Kelly Link Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY
& HORROR http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"The Scream" by Nancy Fulda
"The Scream" is a creepy and compelling story about a pumpkin that
releases a horrific scream when a boy, Kody, cuts into it. The scream
is then trapped inside Kody, whose behavior becomes erratic and
irrational, and it is up to his brother, Pete, to attempt to
understand what has happened and help Kody.
Nancy, you do a great job of planting critical information early in
the story without drawing attention to the information. You establish
that the pumpkin farmer's son died of a crazy fit, yet we don't jump
on that fact as a clue to the mystery -- if we did, we might guess the
answer to the mystery. Instead, you focus our attention on the fact
that Kody himself suffers from some mental instability, so we think
about Kody rather than the farmer's son. This sort of skillful
misdirection of the reader's attention is critical in a story that
ends with a surprising revelation, as this story (and much horror)
does. It allows the reader to be truly surprised, yet at the same
time to accept the truth of the revelation, because the supporting
evidence has been established earlier. The story also contains some
strong description, such as Pete's account of the scream: "The bone
around my eyes and forehead resonated -- a violent, unearthly hum, as
though my skull was about to shatter -- and objects in the room seemed
to waver, stretch and distort." You also do a good job of slowing
down important moments by using lots of description. That helps
heighten intensity and suspense.
I do feel there are several weaknesses in the story that can be
improved with revision. One is the narrative voice. The story is
told from Pete's first-person point of view, so the voice should be
his voice, using his vocabulary. Pete is looking back on events, but
not from far in the future. The end of the story, where you shift
from past to present tense, seems only a month or two after the rest.
But the voice throughout the story seems very mature, too mature for
Pete. A narrator who says, "I'm a creature of incurable habit,"
sounds more like Sherlock Holmes to me than a teenage boy. Similarly,
"I'm more of a traditionalist myself" sounds very adult and either
from a foreign country or an earlier era. If you can find a boy of
Pete's age and Pete's intelligence, and tape a conversation with him,
you can listen over and over to his voice to help get it into your
head as you revise. This could be very helpful.
Another weakness is that the solution to the mystery is not presented
in a convincing manner. One reason is very simple -- the explanation
is given in the wrong order. The order in which you give information
-- within a story or within a paragraph or within a sentence -- is
very important. The solution to the mystery is that the scream is
passed from one carrier to the next. The farmer's son apparently had
the scream inside his head and clawed himself to death. He was buried
in the pumpkin patch, and the pumpkin vine pierced his skull,
transferring the scream from the skeleton to the pumpkin. Kody's
knife pierced the pumpkin, transferring the scream from the pumpkin to
Kody. The explanation has three steps (the previous three sentences),
and they need to come in chronological order for us to make sense of
them. Here's the way you explain what happened: "Kody knifed into
the pumpkin. The vine dug into the skull. Heaven knew what plant or
animal the poor little boy might have injured in his play." Your
explanation is backwards, in reverse chronological order, which makes
it extremely difficult to follow. I had to read it over several times
and think it over for a while before I figured out what you meant.
You want the reader to be amazed by the revelation rather than
confused, so you need to clarify this.
There's a further difficulty with getting the reader to accept the
solution. It seems to explain some of the facts, but not all of the
facts. What stands out for me as Peter discovers the skull of the
farmer's son and solves the mystery is that the farmer's son is buried
in the pumpkin patch. This doesn't seem the normal place to bury a
child, and he apparently has no coffin or headstone. I immediately
think that the child was murdered and his body was hidden. This
doesn't make sense with other things you've told me, but the other
evidence you've offered was hearsay, whereas this is hard evidence, so
I trust it more than anything else. Your solution doesn't offer any
explanation for this, so I don't really accept it. The solution feels
imposed by the author. I don't have an easy fix to offer here; I
think you need to rework the evidence and the explanation so they work
together better.
The final weakness I want to mention is the ending. I think the last
scene should be cut. You seem to want to tie a neat bow on the
ending, when instead you should leave us horrified. The story seems
finished to me when the second-to-last scene ends. The one thing you
need to add in that second-to-last scene is a stronger description of
Kody, just a moment where we see that he has regained his sanity. You
don't quite do that now. If you do that, then you'll have a strong,
vivid ending without the last scene.
I hope this feedback is helpful. You're a strong writer, and this is
an involving story that with some revision would make a good candidate
for publication.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all January nominations beginning February 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: magda knight
Submission: Eudora's Song by PJ Thompson
Submitted by: PJ Thompson
Nominator's Comments: "Magda not only made some helpful hints regarding
cutting down this story, she suggested a simple but elegant fix for a
problem with it that's been bothering me for quite a while. Thanks!"
Reviewer: Aaron Brown
Submission: Kiss - Chapter One by Holly McDowell (w)
Submitted by: Holly McDowell (w)
Nominator's Comments: "Wow. I have been boggling over this first scene
for months, and Aaron has come in and pinpointed exactly where it
needs help and how to fix it. He has reworded things for me to make
the beginning tighter and hookier, and he has given me specifics on
where to add dialogue and why. What great insight! Thanks, (A)aron!"
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during December include: N
Chenier, Jeanette Cottrell, Mike Farrell, Margaret Fisk, Barbara
Gordon (2), Patty Jansen, Leonid Korogodski, B.E. Laing, Kevin
Raybould, Gene Spears, Michael Staton, Linda Steele (2), sharelle
toomey.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in December can be still found through January 30 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
OWW Staff Sales and Publications:
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "An Eye for an Eye," the story he read at
World Fantasy, in which the audience's groans acted as an impromptu
critique. Thanks to everyone who showed up to listen to it.
OWW Member Sales and Publications:
Aliette de Bodard sold her short story "The Triad's Gift" to _Deep
Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net). She sends "My thanks to all of
those on the workshop whose reviews kept me going as a writer!"
"The Prank at Dragon Mountain" by Eric Joel Bresin appears in the
latest issue of _Beyond Centauri_.
Rae Carson's story "A Wish in the Old Hotel Lourdes" will appear in
the Jan 31 issue of _Flash Me Magazine_
(http://www.angelfire.com/biz5/authors/flashme.html). She write:
"Thanks go to...*deep breath*...Heidi Kneale, Amanda Downum, Martha
Knox, Heather Marshall, Aaron Brown, Kevin Kibelstis, Joanne Anderton,
Rabia Gale, Jeremy Yoder, Holly McDowell, and Jodi Meadows!"
Wendy S. Delmater's story "Little Green Men" may be found in the
latest issue of _Beyond Centauri_. And she also sold two poems to
_Breath & Shadow_ to for their February 2006 edition.
John Dodds sent us this note: "A story I workshopped in the workshop a
couple of years ago, 'Crow Among the Starlings,' received an
honourable mention in THE YEAR'S BEST FANTASY AND HORROR 18. It
appeared in a UK magazine, _Horror Express_, earlier this year. Thanks
to all who fed back on the original." And thank _you_ for letting us
know -- congratulations!
Rose Fox sold five poems to e-card site _BlueGreen Planet_.
First time! Rhonda S. Garcia's first published short story "Douen
Mother" is in the latest issue of _Abyss and Apex_
(http://www.abyssandapex.com/200601-DouenMother.html). Rhonda told the
mailing list: "I'm just so excited to see my words in print, I can't
seem to stop smiling, even though I have the most wretched cold and
I'm freezing my butt off in the office." No wonder -- congratulations!
Justin Gustainis has sold his story "damnation.com" to the SHADOW
REGIONS anthology, to be published in 2006 by Cavern books (which also
publishes _Surreal_ magazine).
Christine Hall, publishing under the pen name of Rayne Hall, starts
2006 with a bang. Her short horror story "Black Karma" is published in
the current issue of _Nocturnal Ooze_
(http://www.nocturnalooze.com/Screams2.htm); her short horror story
"Burning" will be in the January edition of _Byzarium_
(http://www.byzarium.com/default.asp); and she's sold her short horror
story "The Bridge Chamber" to the print anthology READ BY DAWN. All
the stories were workshopped. She says, "I'm on a roll! Sincere
thanks to everyone who helped me shape and revise these stories,
especially Donna Johnson, Teri Foster, John Hoddy, Douglas Kolacki,
Karl Bunker, Seth Skorkovsky, Kari Balak, Fiona MacDonald, David
Emanuel and Phillip Spencer who supported me through several layers of
revision."
Christopher Kastensmidt sold Polish-language reprint rights to short
story "Daddy's Little Boy" to _Nowa Fantastyka_. He says, "This is my
first reprint and first foreign sale!" Awesome.
Ann Leckie sold her short story "Hesperia and Glory" to _Subterranean
Magazine_. She sent her "Thanks to everyone who has reviewed me,
everyone I have reviewed, and everyone whose reviews I've read!" She
was going to send us a complete list of names, too, but we said we'd
point you to the Member Directory.
Maura McHugh will see her story "In the Woods" in the next issue of
_Cabinet des Fees_. She says it "was not put through the workshop,
but it was written because I saw (_CdF_ Editor) Erzebet's call for
submissions on this mailing list." OWW moves in mysterious ways.
Michael Merriam sold his story "And A Song In Her Hair," which was
workshopped on OWW, to _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_
(http://www.andromedaspaceways.com). Michael would like to thank
workshop members Dena Landon, Fiona MacDonald, Jodi Meadows, and Rae
Carson for all their help with this story.
Marshall Payne's short story "Souvenir Ball" is now online in the
Winter 2006 issue of _Nanobison_ (http://www.nanobison.com). He sends
"thanks to all for the help."
Where no OWWer has gone before: Jeremy Yoder sold short story "The
Smallest Choices" to Pocket Books for their STAR TREK: STRANGE NEW
WORLDS 9 anthology. Jeremy told the ML, "I know many here will scoff
at it being Star Trek... but I guess that's your problem. A sale is a
sale. :) To those familiar with Trek lore, my story is about Spock
and his previously betrothed wife, T'Pring, from the original series
episode 'Amok Time.' Special thanks to Keith Robinson who read over it
off-line before I sent it out."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 1/19: 601 paying, 55 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 440
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 76.59%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.18%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.07
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 658.54
Number of submissions in December: 303
Number of reviews in December: 1289
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December: 4.25
Estimated average word count per review in December: 706.25
Number of submissions in January to date: 198
Number of reviews in January to date: 813
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January to date: 4.11
Estimated average word count per review in January to date: 772.75
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: (9.3% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 2
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 16
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 23
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2006 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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